Martyr

Last summer I discovered Ted Dekker when I started reading THR3E. It is an amazing psychological thriller, which I must say are my favorite types of fiction. When I heard there was a new book by Dekker coming out that they compared to THR3E, I was really excited. So I promptly headed to my local library to pick it up while I had a chance to sit and read for a few days. Much to my chagrin, it hadn't come into the library yet. So I put my name on the top of the wait list and headed to pick out some other Dekker books.

I started reading The Martyr's Song yesterday and finished it just a few minutes ago. It is only 113 pages, but it packs a punch. Throughout the text it describes a priest going back and forth between a heaven-like world and the earthly world. While in this heavenly world, Dekker describes a song which is sung in this world. He writes some of the lyrics in the text. I knew when I picked up the book there was a CD in the back. I could hardly wait to finish the book so I could listen to the song they had created. I highly recommend this book. It is a quick read and the song makes it totally worth it.

The Martyr's Song

-By Todd Agnew

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colors you’ve never seen.

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you never dreamed

That’s always been in you.

And I’ve been waiting...

To see you tremble as you’re embraced

By a world saturated with My love.

And I’ve been waiting for The Day

When at last I get to say, “My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind, for you are finally home!

I’ve been waiting to watch you realize what all your longing was for.

I’ve been waiting to show you the thread of grace

that ran through all your pain. And I’ve been waiting...

to let you drink the water of which your greatest joy on earth

Was just a taste.

I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say,“My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

Sing! O daughter of Zion. Cry out! O child of mine!

Dance with all the strength that you can find...for you are finally home!

Every tear you cried dried in the palm of My hand.

Every lonely hour was by my side.

And every loved one lost, every river crossed—

Every moment, every hour was pointing to This Day...

I’ve been longing for This day!

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colors you’ve never seen.

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you never dreamed

That’s always been in you. And I’ve been waiting...

To see you tremble as you’re embraced

By a world saturated with My love.

And I’ve been waiting for The Day

When at last I get to say, “My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

Sing! O daughter of Zion. Cry out! O child of mine!

Dance with all the strength that you can find...

for you are finally home!...

for you are finally home!

Camp

I am not sure I could even begin to start describing camp this year. It was without a doubt the single most difficult week I have ever had with these children. I was beyond exhausted and ready to quit.

However, two days later with a little rest and a great deal of hindsight. I have developed an even greated passion for these children. My life, must, in some way, be spent giving these children a hope and a future. I was to be Jesus to these kids.

I want them to be more than a file folder amongst 30,oo0 files. I want each of these children to understand that they are loved and that someone, even if I am the only one, is looking out for them, loves them, and can be trusted. I will help B******s and D******s of the world. And with God's grace and power, these children will be shown the love they deserve and have an opportunity to meet their ultimate father, who loves them unconditionally.

I may post with some more information about camp if asked for it. But I just wanted to share the excitement I have again.

Idiocy

I relapsed into stupidity. I hate when I slip back into an old idiotic personality. Then I am left with the damage I have caused and the disappointment I feel in myself when I behave poorly.

Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

-Who I am hates who I've been, Relient K

And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I'll stare at you in disbelief
Oh inconsistent me! ...
crying out for consistency

-Let it all out, Relient K

Never

I never realized how much I was craving a little bit of time just hanging out with friends.

Carrie and I went to a softball game tonight. It was great. Aside from being petrified anytime the ball was hit or the bat was thrown I really enjoyed the game. Several boys from my high school youth group was there. It was really entertaining to revisit some old memories. Several of them contained our crazy antics and Carrie's frustration. Like beating Brad with a plastic blow-up hammer when he was screwing around too much. Or cramming the entire 20 foot sanctuary Christmas tree into one box. Or never letting Carrie live down the "Christmas Party" which actually was taking down the Christmas decorations in the church. Or really creepy people who seemed to follow us wherever we decided to mission trip. Like the large woman who slept entirely in the nude or the creepy man who liked to hug me and touch me a little too much.

We cheered on the Methodist Church team and laughed at each other. Carrie and one of my best friends from high school and his little brother went for some fast food and returned to the field and looked at the stars. It has been a long time since I have been able to have uninterrupted hang-out time with Carrie. I missed it a lot. She is so fun. All around it was a great night. Responsibility free and acting my own age. Delightful! It was great to be surrounded by friends.

Today

• A very newly married friend of mine commented on a picture I was in. Reminding me how blessed I am to know her and to have had her share her life with me during my college years.
• I had a very severe heart attack, as the oldest of the children in my crawled into the house crying uncontrollable. He had fallen off the tree he was swinging on and his rib hurt really bad. He has asthma and I couldn't get him to calm down enough to slow his breathing. Very intense several minutes. He is OK, thankfully, but I certainly have aged quite a bit.
• I bought a gadget. I love gadgets. I bought a speaker set for my iPod. It is also an alarm clock and a radio, with remote! I really love all things electronic!
• I woke up at 12:30 today. That was amazing. I slept over 12 hours, I guess I really was tired. I felt about 1000 times better today due to the sleep.
• The third child in my charge sat in my lap for about an hour and played with my hair. I love it when he does this. He went from really disliking me last year to really liking me. It gives me such joy. He even told me he liked my glasses and asked me to put them on when I took them off when I had finished writing.
• I watched a little bit of Star Wars and actually paid attention. I have never been too interested in these movies, but when it is being explained by a three year old, it takes on a totally different light.
• I have rediscovered Care Bears. I have watched the same two tapes four times in the last three days. I love them. I think I would like to have a "Care Bear Stare"
• I am still unable to get an application for myself for Royal Family. I am actually beginning to fear that I may not be able to go. I would break my promise to one of the girls and I can't handle that.
• I rectified my recent crappiness today. I apologised and worked hard to make sure that I was more pleasant and less harsh with everyone. Seems to be going well. Maybe sleep and wellness aid that effort.
• I worked a little bit more transferring the TMS cards onto 3x5 note cards so I can read them better, but I have yet to have worked on my contact book. Maybe sometime I will get to that.

Michigan

I wake up this morning. I come into the main room. The first thing I do is sit and stare out the window at the vast lake before me. There are just starting to be waves for the first time since I arrived on Friday. It is cloudy, but supposed to clear up by this afternoon.

I report all this rather matter-of-factly, but truly I am amazed. I can't believe I am here. It's an amazing house with an amazing bed that I am allowed to sleep in. I love the kids and enjoy being around them so much. I can't fathom how I have ended up so blessed as to be here right now.

Dawn

My dear roommate and friend always seems to know just what to say. I don't even know what I need to hear but she does.

She is an amazing encourager when it comes to my head. Many a time I have talked to her in depth about the fears I have or the discouraging things I have been told. I will give you just two examples.

1. I went to a new neurologist. He was rude and not helpful at all. His solution was to buy me a helmet with foam balls on sicks attached to it, so that I wouldn't be able to hit my head on anything. This made me ridiculously mad. I don't need to waste my time visiting a doctor when that is his best idea. He then laughs about his suggestion. He says I just plain don't know what to do with you. I have never heard of this before. Maybe we will have to come up with some new forms of therapy for you. I am beyond angry at this point, because it is really not helpful to have a doctor tell you, that you indeed at the freak you have believed you have been. --------- Dawn's response in a text message when I told her about the jerk. "You should just throw up on his shiny shoes". The perfect mixture of humor and truth. She understands that my headaches and concussions cause nausea and she made a crack about his obvious arrogance. Perfectly what I needed.
2. In response to an email I sent out to the people from the one week trip I attended which included the previous post. Dawn explained that she understood my fears about the non-Christian counseling and offered a positive out of that situation. Then in several meaningful statements she said she believed me. I didn't realize how much that meant to me to have someone on my side. To say that they knew me well enough to confidently say that they believe that I wouldn't hurt myself consciously or subconsciously. Apparently, all I needed was for someone to place their trust in me.

Thanks Dawn. For being such an amazing friend for all these years. And knowing just how to communicate with me. I love you.

Sovereignty

My neurologist has declared it impossible for me to have 18 random and accidental concussions.

He believes I am intentionally hitting my head.

He is therefore sending me to counseling (purposely, non-faith based) to see if he can dig up some deeply hidden secrets from my past that makes me want to hit my head. I was really struggling today with the idea of God's sovereignty because of that appointment.

My mom doesn't believe that suffering is part of God's original plan but she does believe that he can use it for good. In trying to comfort me from being really angry that my Doc thinks I am a masochist, my mother kept reaffirming that thought.

Therefore, I was really struggling with seeking what I believed to be the truth. All I wanted to do was to settle down with a Bible and God and hash this out. God was really faithful in providing me with just what I needed. The person I nanny for was around all day and we discussed the Truth. Then as I got off work, I turned to Romans 8:28 and was still needing more. In a desperate moment for passages that would discuss God's sovereignty, I turned to Google. I typed in verses about God's Sovereignty. The first link was a sermon on exactly what I was dealing with. It led to be passage (Like Joseph and Jesus) which showed me that pain is part of the plan.

I am so delighted at God's provision despite a really nasty day.

The Sermon

Sunday

What are you doing with your day?

• Are you using this Sunday to serve and comfort others?
• Are you using this Sunday to draw closer to Almighty God?
• Are you using this Sunday to spend time in His word?
• Are you using this Sunday to talk to your Savior and thanking him for sacrificing so you may have salvation if you believe?
• Are you using this Sunday to spread the message of the Gospel of Christ?
• Are you using this Sunday to listen to the wisdom of God and find out if there is any offensive way in you?

What do you use your day of rest for?

Do you use it selfishly all for your own gain?

Or do you use it to further the Kingdom of God?

Who is getting your best, you or God?

Does your life have a lasting purpose or is it all for earthly gain?

Just some questions to think about while sitting on your Sunday.

Victory

Victory is mine! I finished my online class. Just turned them in! Hooray! Now, I can finally read or pleasure and learn to play my guitar!