Dance

last week’s friday five had a challenge rather than a question:

try to incorporate dancing into your week and tell us how it goes!

let’s see how the five did…and feel free to share any dancing adventures of your own.

lissie

so…i can think of 4 times i got to dance this week.
1. i babysat ethan a little on sat morning to give brent and meredith a small break and we played a kiddie cranium game that involved some dance moves.
2. halloween night at nathan’s turned into a kitchen dance party. it started with couples being goofy and turned into everyone moving around. that was a blast!!
3. chris twirled me around a little at the joe nichols concert on tuesday night.
4. my class got canceled last night so i joined tracy and some friends for some bday dancing downtown. while it was good to hang out with girls, djs refused to give me any 80s, ac/dc, or bon jovi so i went home early. punks. i thought of cory getting his groove on at 80s/ladies (or however that goes) and wished i could teleport to columbus.

kimi

Kinda a lame dance week for me. I was expecting to have more to say. Went to a group lesson at the studio wednesday night. It was a pretty standard lesson, with all stuff that I already know, but I impressed my instructor with the stuff I had been working on. Then he gave me the CD to listen to for the solo I am going to do in December. The song is cell block tango from Chicago and I have to test out the edits he made. We have been planning out the choreography and which parts of the song I would be acting out. We’ll start the actual movement work on that tonight. The best part however, has be designing costuming for that event in the style of the musical. Lots of black fishnets and gothic-y looking clothes. Fun.

Jen

I had a week that I was completely unprepared for. In the midst of unexpected events, I wish I had remembered that our challenge this week was to dance- maybe it would have made it all more fun!

As it was, I danced a few times with my 3 year old (which is pretty normal). My favorite dance time was when she was hooked up to a creathing machine getting an albuterol treatment at her doctor’s office and we were dancing around the exam room together while she sang an impromptu song about medicine smoke coming out her nose. hehe. And I don’t mean sweet dancing like me holding her and swaying. I mean both of us on our feet, boogie-down, rock-out dancing. With breathing tubes and mask and all. =)

Rachel

There was not enough dancing in my week! On Monday we had over a professor and he brought his two-year-old child, and we danced. After dinner we cleaned up the kitchen and put on fun music and shook our booties a little while putting away our mismatched plates. I know Jill Scott songs were involved. That was super fun.

I think the only other times I danced while was preparing cookies or brushing my teeth. That seems OK. You just have to be careful that you don’t hurt yourself with the toothbrush. Hygiene is dangerous!

Cory

about dancing, mine has been irreverence. i didn’t go out dancing or anything this last week, but there were a few times when i was being talked to, and i didn’t really like how the talk was going, so i just started to shake it. dance as protest.

Days

Ever have one of those days when you stick your entire foot in your mouth? When you thought without a doubt that you were totally and completely right on this issue, and then you hear the other perspective and you just can't shrink small enough. Yeah. Days when you wish you could literally swallow back up those words? Yeah. Today is that day for me.

Song Lyrics? Sure, why not.

Relient K, of course.... Bite my Tongue

I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me

I'm sweeping up the seconds
That tick off the clock
Save them all for later
When I'm too ticked to talk
And I need some time
To search my mind
To locate the words
That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called "tact"
And if you're always so intently listening
Then the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself not to say a thing

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
To bit my tongue

I said I'm always close-minded
With an open mouth
And the worst of me
Seems to come right out
But I've never broken bones
With a stone or a stick
But I've conjured up a phrase
That can cut to the quick

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
And the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself to keep

Quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed

And when I finally do
Let it come from you
The peace of understanding grips my soul
You're the reason I
Have meaning in this life
Is so I swallow all my pride
And give you control
I give it all to you

And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed
And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Bite my tongue

Again

It's Friday again, and I am sad to report that I have no major news yet. Oh well. Patience is a virtue, right? This week's Friday Five 2.0 question comes from yours truly. Enjoy.

The Question:

When was your last slacker day, as in a day you did absolutely nothing on the to-do list? What should you have been doing? How did you justify it? What did you do instead?

Jen:

Unfortunately, I don't have as many slacker days as I would like to have! I would have to say my latest slacker day actually turned into several in a row. Both os my kids (ages 3 and 7) got H1N1 at the same time few weeks ago. Over the course of 9 days, there were 3 trips to the doctor, but other than that we pretty much did nothing. We all 3 stayed in our pajamas for days. We laid around watching tv. I even ordered "on demand" movies for the first time EVER. Aside from them feeling awful, it was actually sort of nice to have a reason to just stay home and not go anywhere. The party ended once they felt good enough to be crabby and get on eachother's nerves, but still sick enough to have to stay home. Argh. Then it got ugly and I turned back into my list-making self.

Cory:

last saturday i was having a slacker day. i needed to do some research for my Arabic midterm, but I really did nothing on my list. i needed a personal day to sort out some personal issues. so i laid in bed all day - literally until 7ish at night. and i figured some stuff out. which brought up more questions, but it was really good. sometimes i need to plum the depths of what's going on after i spend weeks and months not dealing with things.

sorry to be vague. but that's what i've got!

Rachel:

I do not really know. Three weeks ago I went hiking with some friends from school and accomplished absolutely no school work that day. I justified it as personal enrichment, which is necessary to be a sane person. I had books to read, papers to write, rooms to clean, runs to take, and much more. It was worth it!


Lissie:

here you go guys...sorry for the wordiness again! =/ it's my illness


like rachel, i honestly don't know either! on this roller-coaster of unemployment, my days seem to blur together. any day i don't spend hours job searching or writing cover letters feels like a slacker day. unfortunately, it usually makes me feel guilty or results from having a bad day.
additionally, the element of playing hooky is a big part of the thrill for me and that's not available to me right now...at least not in the sense that i like most.

my favorite slacker days are those in which i prepare lesson plans for a "sick day", call for a sub the night before, sleep in, enjoy a carby breafast and then do whatever. i. want. this still might be something from my list but it's cause i want to, not have to.
and i never feel guilty or worry about my class. i trust that the sub will be able to handle things fine and we can make up anything she doesn't get to. frankly, i don't get the teachers who worry and think that's an issue they need to work on. =P plus, my mama instilled a strong appreciation for mental health days when i was just a youngin' and i think everyone would be happier to embrace the same.

wednesday actually had all the elements except hooky and it was delightful. i had pancakes for breakfast, blogged, did some homework, enjoyed a thai lunch, squatted at b&n to read a text for class (and had time to peruse while i waited for my ride home), scared myself to death by following chris onto his roof, bbq'd and drank wine, watched some tv, and went to the movies spur of the moment to use an expiring gift card.


Me:

The question came to me purely because I was having a slacker day. I hurt my back this week and was told by my boss I didn't have to come to staff meeting this Thursday so I took that opportunity to do a whole lot of nothing. I played on my computer, painted my toes, watched a whole lot of HGTV, took a bath, and laid under a blanket on the couch. I told myself as I looked at the laundry, cleaning, and church work, that I was simply following the orders of my boss to rest and recoup. Then as I was about to start working on dinner, my mother called and invited me out to eat. So I happily put the chicken back in the freezer. All in all a delightful day. My back feels much better and my toes are an awesome shade of purple, just perfect for halloween without being too obviously halloween.


Feel free to answer in the comments!

Enjoy the weekend!

Friday

Time for another Friday 5 2.0. I hope to have some exciting stuff to post in the next couple of weeks, but until then you may have to settle for Friday 5's.

The Question:

When was the last time you stayed up all night or most of the night? How was school or work the next day? What's your stay-coherent technique on days like that?

The Answers:

Jen:

I thought I was going to have to write about a few months ago when both of my kids alternately puked all night, but, alas, I remembered a more recent late-nighter that is much happier and less gross. =)
Our church has an annual girls retreat at Log Country Cove near Marble Falls. 20 or so log homes are rented for the weekend, and there are 10-18 women assigned to each one. There is a "hostess" (who makes contact with each of the women assigned to her cabin before the retreat and generally keeps the weekend moving along) and a "presenter" (who presents the actual teaching sessions planned for the weekend). I have served as a hostess for two years now, but this year held a bit of a surprise. =)
I got my list of ladies in my house a couple of weeks before the retreat, and there were only a couple on the list who I didn't already know. One was "Mary Smith", and her contact info was all the same as my presenter's info. I thought that was a little wierd, but my presenter told me she was a friend from out of town and that she would forward any correspondance from me to her.
Soooo, we all arrive at the retreat on a Friday (this was about 3 weeks ago), and a car full of girls pull up to our cabin, As I walk over to give them a hard time about taking so long to get there, etc, I notice that one of the girls in the car looks eerily like one of my best friends, Jenna Spears. But Jenna lives in Atlanta. As I got closer and realized it actually WAS Jenna, I laughed and cried and exclaimed "shut UP!!" all at the same time.
All that to say, that night was pretty much a school-girl slumber party. We stayed up till the wee hours of the morning chatting and laughing. And then my ridiculous body decided it should still wake up at 6:30am in the spirit of routine.
My coping mechanism the next day was pretty much to just keep the adrenaline going. I SOOOO could have used a nap, but instead rented a boat with a bunch of girls and went skiing for the first time ever. I even did a backflip off the boat (just to prove that I really AM still young and hip.... or something...).
There came a point that night when I hit the wall though. I pretty much knew that if I didn't go to bed right then, I was either going to get really mean or be reduced to tears over nothingness. So, off to bed I went, followed by Jenna, where I feel asleep in the middle of a conversation. =)

Cory:

well, as it happens, i stayed up most of the night last night. sadly, no Ladies/80s, but i helped a friend move some furniture and talked, then i went home stayed up watching movies on AMC with way too many commercial breaks. i just can't not watch Stargate...

my coping techniques are going to be drinking lots of water, and since it's friday, i might put some music on at work. i will probably hit the breakroom coffee machine a few times too.


Rachel:

I got 2.5 hours of sleep on Monday morning after getting home from Manhattan at 2 a.m. My pals and I went to see David Bazan at the Bowery Ballroom. He didn't start until 11 p.m.! That's late for us old people! The show was super awesome, and it was totally worth exhaustion throughout the next day. We drank coffee on the car ride home and so I didn't get to sleep until 3:30. I was up by 6 to write more on my paper and to get to an 8:30 a.m. class. Woooo!

My stay-awake plan: drink lots of water, drink lots of green tea, don't rely on coffee, eat very little sugar and eat light meals. Sugar makes me get really tired. Oh - stretch a lot, too.

Lissie:

the last time i stayed up all night, or practically all night, was two thursdays ago for my cousin's bachelorette party. we got in and slept for about 3 hours before we were up and running for day-before-wedding festivities and prep.
the next day wasn't awful like going in to teach kindergarteners has been after an all nighter. i had enough shots of espresso and family drama to get me through the day. it was saturday that i paid the price. word to the wise: don't spend 8 hours walking around and dancing in 3 inch heels if you have to wear heels at all in the following week. your feet will hate you!


Kimi:

The last time I stayed up all night was last March. I had gone to see Dirty Dancing on stage in Chicago that day and then ended up talking in my friend's (now boyfriend's) apartment until about 6:30. This was a Saturday night. I do unfortunately work on Sunday mornings because I work at a church. So I drove straight from his apartment to my church which took about 1 hr due to the nasty road conditions. It was one of my busier days at work so I was running the entire time, but I remember very little of that day, except several kids telling me that I looked really really bad and asking me if I was sick. I got home from church around noon and then slept until 5:00PM, when I headed out with him again to see another movie.

Almost

Friday Five... a tad bit gimpy... 3 out of 5....

The Question:

tell me both of the things you don't want to put on your blog because 1) was too embarrassing and 2) was too awesome, but awesome only to you and you're afraid other people wouldn't get the significance.


The Answers:

Cory:
1. embarrassing: I wore a full suit last week because i had an interview. i got this suit when i was a senior in high school. that's been 10 years ago. the pants are extremely tight now. all day i would have to take bathroom breaks every 20 minutes because there wasn't enough room for me and my breakfast/lunch in my pants. ugh.
2. awesome: at the ladies/80s last night, i was dancing up on the stage, and girls came up to dance with me (and others). it was really cool, but i didn't really know what to do after that because i really wasn't after the girls, i was just there to have fun. ha.

Lissie:
1. embarrassing: this one is a little tricky. i usually block embarrassing things out. but after sitting here and mulling it over for a bit, i guess i'll just come out with it: i might as well face it, i'm addicted to love. bwahahah. no, that's not it. but once i typed "i'm addicted" it just had to follow. i'm addicted to sex and the city! some of you are likely shocked...understandably. at one time, i would have said this would never happen and because of that i'm slightly embarrassed. however, i accidentally ended up with all 5 seasons on my computer and after catching an episode on tbs, my interest was piqued.
while my feelings on some of the things going on are firmly "NO!" and i find myself constantly pausing to ask chris if he thinks people really live like this, i am delighted by the friendship the girls share (reminding me of some of my closest girls), find myself constantly laughing at the accurate portrayal of female neurosis and am touched by carrie's genuineness. she's a real girl, struggling with choices and issues, who usually wraps up the episode with a true sentiment that gives me hope about life and people.
2. awesome: this too was tricky but that's cause i kept thinking of awesome things that i meant to blog about but didn't. that i would have blogged ixnays them from the category.
i guess the most awesome thing that people might not get is that chris and i have been openly annoying/frustrating each other a little. it's awesome because it represents depth and familiarity that comes with time in a relationship. we're learning how to talk through things (me saying "you're BOTHERING me!!" or him just saying "this makes me mad") without letting it fester. and, best of all, we've never said goodbye without ultimate sighs of contentment and reassurances of feelings. i never knew that i'd think of issues in a relationship as awesome but i do.

Kimi:
1. embarrassing: I have been experimenting with fiber intake lately so as to help in weight loss and possibly regulate myself even more. I have now had two attempts with major fiber dosages. As it turns out, fiber apparently has the opposite effect on me as it does on most people. Not pleasant. Apparently, my body is just too used to the intake of junk to handle "good" stuff.
2.awesome: my instructor talked with me last night after my shared lesson with my partner with Ray Rivers, and said that he had heard that most of the lesson was focused on my partner. He asked how it felt to have passed up my partner's skill level in so little time. Potentially dangerous information, but nice to have the complement.

Relient

I saw Relient K at the House of Blues in Chi-Town last night. The band were amazing as usual, but apparently I am old.

5 years ago at a Relient K concert, I would have been in the very front, right by the stage, and jumping for every song.

Relient K yesterday, my back hurt from standing for so long, I longingly looked on the mosh pit from the outside rail, and did not jump at all. And at 10:00, I was so ready for bed.

While the music was outstanding, it brought back memories of times when I was younger and was much less inhibited. Not sure, why, at the age of 23 I am feeling so very very old.

However, Ray is in town tonight and tomorrow, so maybe that will make up for feeling so old and lame.

Sporty

I had an interesting weekend.

I shot one of these...


and on my first try, hit one of these...

But I didn't just hit it. I hit that top right circle.
With a shoulder that had been pulled out of socket the night before.
Awesome!
I took one shot. I hit the target and handed the crossbow back.
Always good to end on a good note.

Anyway, the moral of the story...
Should you ever see me with a weapon in my hand,
you should run... fast....
I apparently have beginners luck on my side.
I am sporty!

Arkansas

Things I have learned about Arkansas

• People sit on their front porches and watch other people drive around.
• The level of accent varies drastically, but apparently all people who make announcements over PA's have the thickest accents.
• Mosquito's are invisible, but effective.
• I am allergic to Arkansas as a whole.
• Bill Clinton is not from Little Rock, but his picture does in fact hang in the State Capital.
• The State cooking utensil is the Dutch Oven.
• The State musical instrument is "The Fiddle."
• Arkansas's reputation for violence and weaponry was cemented when a legislator stabbed another legislator at a duel.
• Rice is the state plant, but I'm pretty sure it is really Marijuana.
• There is a bridge named, "Big Dam Bridge," which I first believed was a description instead of a title.

New

It's been a while so I thought I would venture to do an update.

Chris and I spent 46 hours this week painting a mural in the basement of the Methodist church. He was off work and I owe him big time for working like a dog on a week off. But the mural looks good and I am just that much closer to completing the projects I promised I would start here. The other big one should be starting in the fall it is a midweek program. I promised to get one of those up and running, so I will be pleased when it finally hits.

I will be headed to Arkansas on the 29th of August to pick up a car that Chris' mom is giving him and I will be meeting the parents. It is kind of a frightening prospect, but he has already met mine. He actually knew my mom long before he met me and he just met my dad a few weeks ago. Thanks Sir for meeting us and treating us to lunch. But I have never really done the bring her home to meet mom and dad thing before.

In other news, I have now switched to a new instructor at the studio. Tim is expecting his third child now and is feeling too stretched between his wife wanting him to be home and needing to continue to study to keep up with his students, so he has decided to take a break for now. It was a wise decision on his part. Family comes first, but I was sad to see him go and I think he is bummed to not be dancing.

However the move to John will be a very good thing. He has spent a great deal more time lately training and knows a great deal more and I know I will learn a lot from him. Not to mention he is taller than me so I can wear real dance shoes and not have to be as low into my knees. It feels really good to stretch out after years of going so deeply into my knees. But as Ray told me long ago, learning how to dance low into my knees will just make me that much better of a dancers and will put me that much further beyond everyone else.

I think that is about it for now. Sunday School is almost over and I can head home soon. Happy Sunday!

Fall

So on Wednesday night in Ray's group, I fell for the first time in ballroom. It's a sickening feeling. I was dancing with little Alec. He is a fourteen year old that come up basically to my chest level. We were doing a really fast intricate quickstep. Crazy Sam, who has been dancing for at least 15 years now and still sucks, was doing his own thing and cut behind Alec and me. Now because of our height difference, Alec could not see directly behind me and I caught Sam leg with my leg and down I went. I was terrified of taking little Alec with me, so I pushed him off of me to ensure that he would not be injured. I tried to land as gracefully as possible without hurting anything important, eg. legs, back, head, feet. Instead I landed squarely on my tail bone.

I got up not terribly injured, but my butt was developing a knot already, but with a very bruised ego and extreme anger. You see, Sam never does what Ray tells him to. He doesn't listen and he is all over the place. It is hard to listen to Ray and do what you are supposed to when your partner is doing whatever the heck they want. So I already am severely annoyed with Sam and then because he is not doing what he is supposed to, I land on my butt. He walks up to me and says, "I did not get in the way." I said, "Actually, I did catch your foot." He says, "Oh" and walks away. Now I am seething. He made a woman fall, blames her for it, finds out he is to blame, and doesn't apologise? Really?

I find out that poor Alec went home and cried. He was so afraid that he had hurt me and that it was his fault. And while I don't typically have much sympathy or patience for Alec because he is a cocky hyper little kid, he was doing really well that night and totally surprised me.

So, here's the part where I am a bad person. The next night I am at the next Ray lesson and I am led out to the side in the direction of Sam and because Sam is never where he is supposed to be, his foot ends up squarely underneath my heel. And while this was a total accident. I felt a certain sense of poetic justice. I apologised to him and he would hear nothing of it. Oh well. Thus is the life of ballroom dancers.

California

I returned from California on Sunday the 26th. It was an amazing trip. We did a lot of amazing things. Four hours of coaching with Ray Rivers. Visited the San Diego Zoo. Several days at the Beach. Visited Old Town. Toured several ships. Pictures?

On the plane on the way there


I finally saw the Grand Canyon from the air



First sunset in San Diego



Touring San Diego by car


Took a ton of stairs down into a cave which let out onto the ocean



Chris, Aunt Fran, and Uncle Al who allowed us to stay with them and borrow their car all week. Their generosity and hospitality was amazing.


Four hour of lessons with Ray Rivers



Crawling through a submarine


View of the outside of the Submarine


The Star of India


On the Bay there were six ships which were open for tours. I took a ton of pictures for Grandpa Driver, but here are a few.

San Diego Zoo

California Highway sign in Old Town

Picture at Old Town. A very cool touristy shopping spot.

Chris and I started dating on Wednesday during our week in San Diego. I am continually amazed with God's provision and role in our relationship. My phone also died while I was in San Diego. I am currently waiting for a new one to arrive. Feel free to call and find out more about the trip. The new phone is supposed to come today. :)

Correct

It did in fact only take a few hours for the assurance to fade away into doubt. And while, the doubt doesn't feel very pleasant. I am none the crying out to God to hold me close and give me the strength I lack. I am sure His hand is in this somewhere, whether I can see it moving or not.

On another note:

Happy Birthday Sir!

Today

Today things seem evident and immanent. Like if it were a snake it would have bitten me. I like this feeling. It feels like I am in control and in the loop. But tomorrow... I'm pretty sure that tomorrow, if not in a few hours, things will not seem obvious anymore. I will begin to second guess and to doubt. I don't like that feeling. It makes me feel helpless, but it forces me into the arms of my Savior who can handle things far better than I. So I'll take either side knowing that God is sovereign.

Upcoming

7/5-7/11 - Prepping for VBS. Organizing materials. Begging for more helpers. Creating Emergency Info Sheets for Children. Finishing Decorating Sets.

7/12-7/18 - VBS. 9AM to 12PM. Friend's Wedding in Lafayette on 18th. Anniversary Party at the Studio.

7/19-7/26 - California. Lessons with Ray. San Diego Zoo. Beaches.

7/27 - --- - Prepping for the Fall

That's the basic outline of what is happening with me for the next several weeks. I find I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do and also the enormous elephant in the room. At least I have something to distract me from the work load.

Michael

I was greatly saddened by the death of Michael Jackson yesterday. It had been one of my life-long goals to see Michael Jackson in concert. I have determined to see him on this new tour. It's the first and probably only celebrity death which will actually bring me near tears.

It was an interesting day yesterday due to the death. I heard from a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time. Apparently, I leave a legacy of Michael Jackson appreciation with those who I meet and spend time with. I once had a roommate tell me, "I was never really into Michael Jackson and thought he was sort of weird. But after living with you I love the music and find myself defending him too." While I think maybe I should have left a different legacy with people, I am glad to have developed an appreciation for MJ in several people.

Cory and I had lots of good times of singing Michael Jackson songs in the car and I remember watching Dad's MJ laser disks whenever he turned them on. Some of my favorite memories with both people.

Lesson

I had coaching with Ray on Wednesday. As usual it was amazing. But this lesson was particularly fantastic. He cleaned up a great deal of my basics and we actually delved a little bit into the harder stuff that Tim and I work on.

There is one particular figure in the Tango that we have been battling through that is really difficult. It has an over sway in it. An image of this shape is to the right. I thought I had a pretty clear understanding of the over sway and how to create that shape. So Ray took me into position and the few steps that go into the over sway, I went where I thought I was supposed to go and thanks to Ray's fantastic skill was far better than I had been doing. But then he tells me to push my thighs further in and hold my pelvis to be square. Ray steps out leaving me in this position and Tim walks in as a sort of stunt double. Ray twists my spine more pushes my upper body further to the right and forces my back to be arched even more. Then he grabs a hold of my neck and pulls it out further from my body and pulls in back. Now if you had any doubt as to the physical aspects of dancing, I assure you that every muscle in my entire body was engaged and screaming for dear life at this point in time. Then Ray begins to talk to me, all the while holding this position which, as he said, "is wringing out my spine like a dish rag." What he said in this moment didn't really hit me until today because I was attempting to hold position, stop my limbs from shaking, and listen.

He was talking about my extension in my back and neck. He demonstrated that I always seem to stop myself. That I had a bit too much rigidity and control. He told me I needed to let go and just let the position happen. Let me head follow the shape my spine is creating and flow all the way into the drama of the dance.

Today this information strikes me as something beyond dance. I love to be in control of myself. I love order. I love patterns. I love predictability. I don't really like emotions because they are hard to control. I work hard to maintain control. This brings about a rigidity in my life and prevents me from ever truly letting go. It prevents me from letting go and allowing God to take control of my life. It prevents me from letting myself enjoy the music and movement in my life. And while a certain amount of self-control is a good thing, I believe I have gone way too far. So, I'll learn to let go some of the times and follow the direction happening in my life.

Not sure where or how this applies quite yet, but it was an interesting stream of consciousness that I decided to just go with.

Mom also wanted me to delve into some of the other experiences I had with Ray during this lesson, but I am afraid that it would be taken in the wrong way by those who are not used to the dance world and what is involved in it. But suffice it to say, that dancing and specifically coaching with Ray is a stretching experience in every sense of the word.

Unexpected

I got a very unexpected complement tonight from a very unexpected source at a point in time when I was feeling like I just had nothing to offer.

I was told that I had a gentle and quiet spirit. This is ironic because it comes from one of the people who can get on my nerves the quickest and has elicited several cutting remarks from me. This person is also incredibly hard on women. His standards and beliefs about what women should be is higher than I have heard from anyone else. So needless to say I was surprised at the comment.

I was feeling pretty all around terrible tonight. Out with the normal crew and feeling like I just wanted to sink into the seat I was sitting in. I knew that I was evoking concern in the people I was with, but I just couldn't pull myself out of the funk.

That's when this person said, "This is the first time I have ever seen you quiet quiet." I was almost tempted to ask what that meant, but settled for an apology. He went on to say, "Which is saying a lot because you are naturally a quiet person." I am rarely quiet in my mind around this person. Again, we do a lot of banter back and forth. He went on to say, "You have a gentle and quiet spirit and that is a very rare find in a woman now a days."

I was overcome with gratitude for the complement and almost lost my composure as my eyes welled up. You see, I know women who have a gentle and quiet spirit. I have always admired them greatly and desired that trait as well. However, I just didn't believe that was a part of who I was. I have too sharp of a tongue and too often speak my mind.

It is a trait that I have tried to work towards, but had seen no progress, so I was delighted to hear that God had also been working in me in that way.

I still feel terrible. I have a lot on my mind and am working through a lot of stuff as mentioned in my last long post, but I am delighted by a brother in Christ noticing a positive feminine trait in me.

Irony

I just discovered something in my own blog....

IRONY

Disillusioned

I have always been a cynic. Not really sure when or how that started, but that is the way I have operated for a least 10 years now. My motto has long been, "better to expect and plan for the worse and be delightfully surprised, then to expect the best and be let down." A fantastic self-preservation technique and the motto has served me well for many years.

However, I have realized that the cynic in me is dying. That I'm starting to trust and believe the best in people. Part of me really like this development and part of me was screaming warnings to myself. I keep my guard up so high and so strong that I am almost impenetrable, but I could feel those walls eroding away and it scared me.

Now, I find that I have been let down. I was believing the best and found that I should have been planning for the worst. I am kicking myself for my stupidity and reassuring myself that the walls and barriers were in fact a good idea. We are after all, all sinful humans and will of course constantly let each other down. So why would I hope for someone to not let me down when it is inevitable that they will?

And yet, even as I am begging myself to refortify and repairs the walls that have started to tumble down, I find that part of me is unwilling. I am struggling between my desire to maintain my hard and tough exterior to protect myself and actually strangely enough enjoying being softer. While the idea of vulnerability and setting myself up to be hurt and disappointed sounds stupid when I am so skilled at avoiding it, I don't want to escape back into bitterness.

God has clearly been doing a work in me and I didn't see it until now, literally, as I write this. The initial intention of this blog was to be a scathing bitter tirade to express my raw emotions and then be done with it. But God had a different plan for this time of self-reflection.

It amazes me to think that only three years ago I didn't believe in love in any format. I certainly didn't believe in romantic love. I had seen a ton of marriages disintegrate and been a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I didn't believe my friends loved me. I honestly believed I was just a pity friend, someone they kept around because they felt bad for her. And worst of all I didn't believe God really loved me. I thought when God said He loved and sent His son to die for all, I imagined that He had several favorites in mind and I just sort of held on the the legs of one of those people to be included in the bunch.

But now I find and overwhelming desire to believe that there may in fact be some type of fairy tale for me. That maybe there is someone in the world who finds me attractive. Whether I am in the height of my glory or a hundred pounds over-weight, only wearing sweats, with my hair tied up and no makeup on my badly broken out face. I want to believe that God did in fact lovingly design me and created me to look exactly the way that I do and that there is a man who is designed to find me attractive.

I want to believe that God didn't just save me in the same lump as a billion other faceless blobs of flesh, but that He is actually active in every part of my life and cares about every tear that I cry and every time someone breaks through my barrier and then disappoints me. I want to believe that He has a plan for my life and He is carrying it out whether I understand the direction or not. I want to believe that my overwhelming desire to have someone truly know and understand me is in fact fulfilled in my heavenly Father and He actually desires to know me and be known by me. I want to believe all these things and for the first time in my life, I think they may actually be sinking in as truth.

I do believe that I have friends who truly love me. With no strings attached or conditions or stipulations. A very select few, but they do exist. And I find that the easiest way to feel that love is to love them as best as my heart knows how. I am forever appreciated by the constant love and support from them.

There are days like today, when I am almost overwhelmed with sadness and frustrated by letting myself be disappointed, and it's hard to focus on the broader perspective. And while the softening process hurts more than I can say and as much as I hate letting myself be wounded when I can simply avoid it by "not doing emotions," I like who I am becoming. I like the softer Kimi. I like the loss of the cynical hard-butt who never lets anyone close enough to hurt her or see her cry.

So God, continue in the molding and softening process and help me to be content and focused on you and your will in my life.

Laughter

I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.

Navigators Never-Daters

Concussed

Things that are not okay:

Hitting my head eight days before my showcase in which I am doing a routine which involves spinning constantly for two and a half minutes at an incredible rate of speed. Super.

Ironically, I told Tim about two weeks ago that it was vital that I not hit my head before the showcase, so he was not allowed to teach certain moves in the Highland group.

In addition to now being concussed and dizzy, I had a surprise visit from a "friend" which I was working to avoid until after the showcase. Now I am dizzy, nauseous, and cramp-y. Fantastic Timing.

Ugh. I'm going to have to take it easy this week so I can be as healed as possible by Sunday.

Countdown

Lets see.... I have eight day left until my showcase.... My viennese is crazy fast and crazy difficult.. I have two hours to learn and master the ending of my routine as well. Yikes. I'm not as nervous as usual though. I guess I am getting used to performing.


I talked with Tim the other day for a long time about teaching and how people get to do that. It was a good talk and I have a bit of a game plan now.


I have officially lost 40 lbs since my highest weight. Pretty exciting. 45 more lbs to go though. I am determined to be done with all of it by December.

Odd

I'm in an odd place right now.

I'm experiencing emotions that I really thought were dead. I continue to be surprised by my thoughts. I didn't think I had it in me anymore. While I find I really like these emotions, they scare the dickens out of me as well. I am continually trying to reality check as a self-preservation, but my spidey senses are tingling.

I love my rational, unemotional side. It tends to win out 90% of the time. I like to force it to win sometimes.

So, I'm fighting right now. Fighting to maintain rationality. Fighting to keep emotions at bay.

Praying to maintain wisdom and discernment and for God to take control so I don't have the opportunity to screw myself up.

Dream

Pathetic who sings the song, but right where I am at right now.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But theres a voice inside my head sayin
You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
lost with no direction
My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high

Theres always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
I Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,


There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

Yeah-yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah-yeah-yea

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
Baby

It's all about
It's all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith

-Miley Cyrus

Surprise

Have I ever mentioned I hate surprises? With a passion? Thought I had a week left before Ray came so I could have a few more hours to work on my Viennese. April just called. He's here tonight and my lesson is at 9. I have a bum leg and am so not ready. Surprise. Crap!!

Hectic

Wow. I just realized that I haven't blogged in a long time nor have I read anybody else's blogs. So I did some reading catch up and thought I would explain my absence.

First: I have another showcase coming up. I picked a dance that is without a doubt my weakest in order to challenge myself. My instructor picked choreography that is way way way over my head. So I am busting my butt to try to be ready. Showcase is May 17th. I have a lesson with Ray to prep for the showcase on April 22nd, so I have to get a huge chunk of it done and ready to be critique by then. Yikes. Between Monday and Tuesday, I had spent 7 hours in the studio practicing. I have been dancing at every opportunity possible to further develop technique and skill to get me closer to me end goals.

Second: Easter is coming. It is without a doubt the busiest time in the church. Last weekend for example, I was at the church on Sunday from 7:30 AM to 9:30 PM. Long day. I had regular church stuff, taught dance at the church for a couple hours, then had to set up and run "The Bunny Hop" for the remainder of the evening.

Third: A very dear friend of mine is in a very bad place right now. I don't really want to disclose too much information on here, but he is not well and my closest friend in the world is his only advocate right now. So I have been trying to help out where I can and stay informed.

Fourth: I have resumed as rigorous of a workout schedule as time will allow again. I am headed to San Diego California in July to spend some time training with Ray Rivers in his own studio and spending some time on the beach. Therefore, I need to get a better beach body and improve my core strength for several concentrated hours of coaching with Ray. I am really really looking forward to this trip, as it will be the first real vacation I have ever taken.

Fifth: VBS is just around the corner. Ok, its in July but the preparations for VBS have already begun. I also have to find teachers for the summer for Sunday School and try to line some up for the Fall. Busy Busy Busy.

Sixth: I am still trying to maintain some sort of a social life and spend as much time with Liskeys and dance friends as possible.

Seventh: Still doing early morning Job which messes up my sleep schedule and means I am sleeping while most people are awake.

Determined

Things on the Determined List:

• Tell John and April I want to teach and ask what I need to do to get there.
• Take more lessons with Ray.
• Practice no less than 4 hours a week in the studio outside of regular groups and private lessons.
• Focus on technique
• Work on Arm styling and Facial Expressions
  
• Do not settle for inadequacy in my dancing
• Watch more dance videos
• Watch and observe instructors during groups and parties to pick up technique
• Read my bible everyday
• Go to church every Saturday
• Stay positive about church job and continue to work as though for the Lord
  
• Stay on top of my laundry
• See Liskeys as much as possible
• Keep house cleaner
• Save as much money as possible for dance
• Lose twenty pounds by July.
• Lose twenty more pounds by December.
• Start eating more vegetables and fruits
• Drink a Nalgene full of water everyday

Rivers

I sure do love when Ray's in town. I had a great couple of nights of dance. It's amazing how much he has caused me to improve from just group lessons. I can't wait to take more coaching from him.

He finally knows my name! That's a seriously exciting thing for me. I have moved well beyond "girly". YES!

Stab

This is one of those posts where I blog about my feelings because it always helps me to write. If you don't like those, discontinue reading. If you decide to read, please don't comment.



It's 4:22 AM. I have not slept yet and don't plan on it before I go to work in one hour.



Ever had one of those days when God just threw you a curve ball?



I have been having a rough couple of days, that much is true. But I was coping well today. I was determined not to let my usual problem, get me down. And I didn't. I was successful. I played the game the right way and was rewarded with no reverbs.



I was almost heading home feeling at peace for the first time in days. I finally felt like I could handle things. Felt like everything was out in the open and was feeling good resting in some truth.



Then, I discovered that the truth, which I had believed for a long time was in fact not accurate. One source had willfully deceived. The other unknowingly deceived. Anger instantly welled towards the first source, but the deceit is an easier pill to swallow in that case. The other's unknowing deceit left me feeling foolish, naive, and like I had been slapped in the face. The sting of the second is far worse. I had let myself believe and trust in the second based on the deceit of the first. Apparently the one falsehood told by the first, killed the trust in faith in the second.



I had started to let myself feel. I don't do emotions. Emotions are overrated. I block them out whenever possible to avoid pain, and yet, I had allowed myself to start to feel. The result? Pain. I am hurt. I am angry. I am so frustrated at God for bringing something in my life that caused some stirrings in places I thought were dead, only so that when I opened up just enough, that I could be stabbed so very thoroughly as to drain the fresh blood that had only just begun to flow in those places.



I have been trying. Really trying to follow God recently. I had fallen away for a long time, but have been clawing my way back. I have been reading the word, found a church I can go to on Saturdays to get fed, and have been praying again. And just when I was resting in God, the sins of others come and knock me out of God's cradled hands. Not that they are new sins that I was unaware of, just that they were longer lasting than I was aware of. I found I have lost trust all over again and I feel like a fool. I had already forgiven that which I knew of, but with the additional months of sin, plus the deceit on the first source's part, I find I am almost back at square one. I doubt the determination and strength of the second.

I know I must and will forgive both. However, the first is a poison that needs to be removed from my life. The second terrifies me and even more so now.

I am disappointed. I am hurt. I hate to be hurt. I hate to cry.

Thoughts

A few more stories from the Challenge.

On Saturday morning, while I was heading over the the bullpin for one of my heats some random lady stopped me. She said to me, "I just wanted to let you know that you look absolutely beautiful in your dress and I have been watching you yesterday and today and I think you are doing an amazing job!" I could have kissed her! I was so discouraged by my dancing the day before and feeling very fat and ugly. She made me feel amazing!

I just talked with Debbie tonight. That is Tim's other student. She just told me that the Newcomer heats that Tim put us in on Saturday morning, he paid for them all, out of his own pocket. That is seven extra heats. Three for Debbie and Four for me. Each heat is thirty-five bucks a pop. Incredible. No other instructor would do that for his students. He knew I was discouraged by the day before and Debbie had not received any award stickers and she really wanted one. I am floored that he would do that for us.

So here are my overall thoughts about the competition.

• I was able to see just how much work I have ahead of me. It gave me the swift kick in the butt I needed to continue to work as hard as possible. Everyday to get better and better. I was also able to watch people who were strong in the areas of my weaknesses and be able to see exactly what I need to be doing better.
• I was able to get a glimpse of the life I want to have. It gave me the taste of living a life in the world of ballroom and I love it and want it! I love the ballroom, the gowns, the chandeliers, the people, the music, the movement. I want it all!
• I was incredibly pleased with my instructor for the entire weekend. He behaved exactly as I would have wanted my instructor to behave. He was by my side the entire weekend and talking to me about the dancing we were seeing. He was encouraging me while I was competing and helping me to laugh to de-stress when it wasn't going well. He stepped up in a huge way and gave Debbie and I and incredible gift to boost our confidence. He was willing to hear the long laundry list of things Debbie and I want to work on in the coming months and was excited at the prospect of getting better.
• I was pleased to discover I had lost more weight then the scale showed and I am changing shapes. That knowledge and seeing lots of half naked women gave me the encouragement I needed to keep losing weight and set a goal for next year's challenge.
• The Challenge provided and amazing opportunity which I will never forget and hope to relive many times. It stretched me so much further than I knew I could go. I stretched my body physically to its very limits. I stretched my girly side and found today that I missed looking like a girl. I stretched my emotions and internal strength and learned to fight nerves and work to maintain a positive outlook in the face of failure. I stretched my imagination further into the dream I have for myself which I am even more unwilling to give up on.
• There are pictures of me online taken by professional photographers and the smile on my face in some of the pictures are pure evidence of the joy I get from dancing. I am so pleased with what I am doing and pleased that someone was able to capture the sheer joy I felt during those days.

Three

Indiana Challenge - Saturday

I woke up at 5:30 AM to begin the process of getting ready. Shower, Make-Up, Fake lashes, and getting dressed. Shawn did my hair again. I headed downstairs at seven feeling much calmer than I did the day before. I think having a clearer understanding of where I was going to stand took the pressure off. I was competing against the same girls as the day before so I expected not to place and was simply going to enjoy the time. Tim and I did our warm up and I put my warm up clothes back on thinking I had a significant amount of time before my first heat.

Tim finished practicing with Debbie. They cleared the ballroom and we came back in and sat down. Tim disappeared for a few minutes. That was unnerving for me. He reappeared and told me that he had put Debbie and I in the newcomer level today. He hadn't done it previously because the cut off is supposed to be 50 hours of lessons, Debbie and I had both gone over this amount, but as we had seen the day before, that apparently was not a rule they stuck to. Therefore, Tim added a bunch of heats for us that we did not have to pay for. My third surprise for the weekend from Tim. (He shaved his goatee, entered me in the compulsory event on Friday, and then added these heats)

So I quickly took of my warm ups and got ready to go. There are no call backs in newcomers. I headed out to the floor. We did Waltz, Tango, Foxtrot, and Viennese Waltz. I felt good. In fact at one point during the Viennese as I was looking up at the chandeliers I thought "This is a living the dream moment". I was completely happy to be where I was and doing what I was doing at that exact moment. It was amazing! I was pleased with my dancing, as we headed back to our seats I was greeted with approval from the people from my studio. John told me my dance position looked great and that he was proud of me. Big words coming from John!

First awards ceremony. I got third place in all three of my newcomer dances. I finished directly behind the girl Tim and I had researched. I was really really pleased with that placement. Then I did my bronze 1 heats. I did the same dances. This time I got a call back on my foxtrot. Which means I was in the top six out of eleven girls. I was pretty pleased with that as well! Second award ceremony and I didn't place but I felt very very good. Bronze 2 heats - no call backs. No awards. But I had lots of fun and didn't want to stop dancing. It was a great time! I was pleased to know I finished right after someone who was dancing at the open silver level.

I headed upstairs to change clothes and remove some makeup and head out to meet Carrie and Danno and company for lunch for Danno's birthday. I struggled a little bit with the quick change and had some culture shock issues. I headed back to the hotel and started getting ready for dinner. Saturday night is another gown, typically even dressier and an amazing dinner. After dinner, we headed down to the ballroom for some more competition. My favorite pro couple were there again competing a multi-dance latin comp. I was completely thrilled to be able to watch them.

Then there was the professional show. I had already seen this couple several times and I was not so thrilled. They do more lifts and tricks than actual dancing, so I was a little bored with them. The show ended and April started asking around for a camera. When I asked what she was doing she said she wanted to go take pictures with my favorite pro couple. I begged to tag along feeling fully like a groupy. We searched the hotel and right as we were about to give up, they came out. They were very nice (although I doubt how much they understood our talking) and we got pictures. We all did some very girly excited dancing once they left. I felt like a twelve year old girl meeting N*SYNC. This is the most star struck I have ever been.

Then we sat around and talked for a little bit and headed upstairs to our room. Normally I would have stayed up and talked, but I was wiped from all of the adrenaline and lack of sleep. I went to sleep around 3:30 AM, which was not too much later than the show ended.

Sunday Morning

I woke up at 9:00 AM and got dressed in pants! It was amazing to put on pants first thing in the morning. I headed down to the ballroom to watch the kids compete. They were truly amazing. I left the Radisson around 3:30 PM totally exhausted but not ready to return to the real world.

It is late and I am tired. I will write my overall reactions to the weekend tomorrow in a separate post. But this is the general results.

Two

Indiana Challenge - Friday

My alarm was set for 4:45 AM, but I woke up in full panic at 4:30 AM. I got up and got in the shower. Then started the process of make-up, fake eye-lashes, and getting dressed (which involves way more than you could ever want to know). Fortunately, my friend Shawn had agreed to do my hair in a style we had seen the night before once I got to the Radisson.

I finished getting ready and left the house at 6:50. A whole twenty minutes later than I had intended. Glad I woke up early. I got to the Radisson at 7:10 AM and headed straight to the ballroom. I set down my bags and got my hair stuff out for Shawn to do it. Tim showed up and warmed up with Debbie. Shawn finished my hair and Tim took me out on the floor to warm up. They cleared the ballroom and we all re-entered with our tickets. More warm up. My warm up was sloppy and I tried not to panic.

My first three heats came and went in the Bronze 1 Category. This is the level right about very very very beginner. Cha-Cha, Rumba, East-Coast Swing. I followed well and I was really into the Swing. We finished and went off the floor. The posted the call backs. I was not called. I was a little perplexed and my confidence was crushed. I thought I had danced really well.

My next heat was coming up. Bolero - Bronze 1. We headed out to the floor, but for some reason we weren't sure whether it was my heat or not. They were skipping around in the order a lot. We stopped and asked the person in charge of the bull pin which heat they were on. They said heat 143. I was heat 153. We walked back off the floor. As it turned out, that was in fact my heat. I missed it. The entire weekend, they counted the numbers of couples on the floor and called the number of missing couples, but not my heat. Nope, they didn't wait for us.

Next two heats. Salsa and West Coast Swing. I had one other person competing against me in the Salsa and it was just me for the West Coast Swing. I was kinda bummed to not have any competition on my West Coast because I believe it is my best dance. I did my salsa and west coast and headed off the floor.

First awards ceremony. I didn't place in my first three dances. No surprise because I didn't make call backs, but I was feeling like I was a terrible dancer. I, of course, didn't place for my bolero because I didn't dance. I got a second out of two for the Salsa and a First out of just me for my West Coast. Basically participation awards. Although I found out later that they are supposed to actually grade you still and give you an estimated placement.

We watched the dances until my next heats and noticed a lot of people were doing illegal moves that were above the level they were competing at. I was frustrated. Tim and I dumbed down the stuff that we normally do, so that we would be in the level I was competing. You are supposed to be docked points for dancing out of the category.

At this point I was really bummed and didn't want to go out again. I would now be dancing all the same dances at a higher level against better dancers. I knew I would not placed so I was determined to just have fun and try to get into the music. So same first three dances and didn't make call backs. Big surprise. The callbacks were the heats right before my bolero. So as I headed out for my bolero, all of the same girls who had smoked me in the first three were already out. I was distraught. Tim saw it and tried to boost my confidence. It was during this dance I made my one mistake for the entire weekend. I didn't follow on one cross-over break. I wasnt too upset by that because I knew I would not have placed anyway.

Then I had an uncontested Salsa and West Coast. At this point I figured that since I was uncontested that Tim and I could have some fun so at my request he threw in two or three illegal moves in. I was pleased.

Awards ceremony. I didn't place in my first four dances and got a First in my Salsa and West Coast because it was just me competing. I was bummed and really really done dancing for the day, but Tim had signed me up for a compulsory event which he didn't tell me about until the day of the competition. I would be dancing cha-cha and rumba and you are only allowed to do five different figures this is to test technique. As I write this, it occurs to me that this is a big complement from him that he believed my technique was that up to par. I was uncontested again for this heat so I took a First again in the awards ceremony.

I watched a few more events and then went up to my hotel room to change into pants for a few hours.

Friday Night was pleasant. I had to be in a gown for about six hours, but the dancing was amazing. We had a buffet dinner and then watched a professional showdance competition in which my absolute favorite professional competed and won. Then I watched some of the Latin events that my friends were competing and headed upstairs to try to get some sleep.

I had just fallen asleep and my roommates came in and woke me up. They fell asleep within five minutes, but I was up for another two hours. I was not happy. I fell asleep around 2:30 AM


During Friday night, Tim looked through the program book to research the girls I competed against. He looked at one name in particular. We discovered that she competed in Open Silver. Ballroom dance competition is supposed to be leveled. Starts with newcomer. Then bronze 1, bronze 2, full bronze, closed bronze, open bronze, silver 1, silver 2, closed silver, open silver, and open gold. Then you move into getting to the process of becoming a professional competitor. So, this girl competed in newcomer on up to open silver in three different age levels, which means she wiped out a ton of people. Not fair and not cool in something that is supposed to be a "gentleman's sport." I felt a little better knowing that the reason I didn't place was because I was competing against a bunch of girls who were way way way above my level.

One

Indiana Challenge - Thursday

After getting about two hours of sleep prior to this day due to packing and finishing work on dresses, I went to the Challenge at about 5 PM. My plan was to watch April and John and their partners in the "Dancing with the local stars" contest and buy some fishnets for the next day. I got there more than early enough and as I was walking into the ballroom, a heat was just beginning. Which means that couples were walking out onto the floor. I had a instant panic attack realizing that that would be me the next day. I watched a bunch of higher level dancers and began to feel really really nervous. I bought my fishnets and some body glue and watched John and April. John's girl won. She did a great job! I left at about 10:30 PM. I went home and finished the last minute packing and headed to sleep around 1:30 AM.

Known

Here's a tidbit about me that most probably don't know. It scares me to be known and yet I long for it. There are probably a handful of people who truly know me. A very small group. You might be surprised to discover that you are not on that list. I'm going to say like four or five people. There are some of those people who make me feel safer and appreciated because they know me. They know what I am capable of and what choices I am likely to make and generally what goes through my head. There are a few people who are beginning to know me that make me feel very unsafe and concerned with their knowledge.

I have a general distrust of people. I'm not sure how that started or what caused it, but as a general rule. I don't trust you. I don't care how long I have known you. I still have moments of not trusting you. There are people that my head tells me I can trust and then I have to fight off my emotions of distrust repeatedly. But there are those who prove the point over and over again and they make me glad I have the general rule of distrust.

Due to this distrust I tend to not let anybody in. I don't divulge much about myself. Some might call me aloof. I don't let people get to know me and I don't let people get me emotionally involved. I would much rather listen to anybody tell more about themselves than to tell them what is running through my head. It's scary to me. I guess I dread having my inner most thoughts used against me. Probably why it is easiest for me to blog about external things. Most things are related to my dance or stories that happened to me. But very rarely do you get a blog like today which delves into who I really am.

Recently I have discovered that I am known by someone. I'm not really sure how I let that happen. It grates on my skin anytime a comment is made. I don't want this person to know me. It makes me feel extremely unsafe to have this person call me on things about myself or know my thoughts and motives. Very alarming. I am not sure how to undo this process, but I want to. Badly.

As I am writing, I think these feelings of alarm are generally attached to a gender now that I think about it. I have a much easier time letting women know me. There is one male who knows me and I feel safe in that knowledge, but there are still moments when it freaks me out.

Anyway, all these thoughts were brought on my staring at my new credit card holder which is red with white polka dots. I didn't really know I had a thing for red with white polka dots. I knew I liked polka dots, but didn't realize the preference. Alarming to have this new person point out something that I didn't realize about myself. This is one of the more shallow aspects, but there have been more and deeper character trait analysis that have really gotten under my skin.

Alas, it seems that I am stuck with this problem person for now and mums the word for the future. As a friend of mine used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight". Maybe I'll stop talking after midnight.

Lesson

So for those of you who haven't heard yet about how my lesson with Ray and Tim went, here is the summation:


I went in extremely nervous. Tim and I had both planned on focusing primarily on smooth. It is my weakest area because it is not my instructors forte.

The lesson started with Tim telling Ray that we wanted to focus on smooth so that Ray could fix my frame. Ray then proceeded to fix Tim's Frame and comment on how my frame and symmetry was beautiful. The lesson pretty much proceeded in that manner. I would be given a few things to work on mostly related to making my height match Tim's and then did more major critiques on Tim. At one point while Tim and I were dancing and were a little further away from Ray, Tim said, "So everything is my fault?" Silence is the only available response to that question.

The rhythm was a different story. That is Tim's forte and that portion of the coaching was very concentrated on fixing me, which is good. But a good 80% of my lesson was spent on fixing things with Tim.

So after the lesson, I had very mixed feelings. Tim's ego tends to be fragile and if it is bruised he tends to take that out on me, so I was afraid of our next lesson. I was ecstatic that Ray had seen so much good in my dancing and I was feeling confident for the comp. I was angry about spending money to train my instructor and yet knew that it was necessary to be able to continue to dance with Tim which I want to continue.

After considering the lesson for a few days, I realized the lesson was completely worth it. It was beneficial for my self-esteem. And in order to keep improving with my instructor, he needs to keep improving. The changes that were made during the lesson will only make me look better in the comp and that is of key importance right now anyway. So, my only fears remaining were dealing with Tim's potential ego problems.

So dancing with Tim on Thursday went well and my lesson on Friday went well. He was concerned about my back and shoulders on Thursday and was very protective of me from the leads who hurt me more than normal. He was also kidding around with me a great deal.

I had spend the entire day on Friday throwing up and having other bathroom issues. I was praying all day for it to stop before my lesson because it is one of my last practices before the comp. The symptoms finally did stop at about 4:30 PM. However, I had lost almost all of my fluids and most of what I had eaten the day before. I had only been able to eat 5 saltines and hadn't been able to drink much.

I went to my lesson simply pleased to be able to stand up straight. I danced well, but not at the top of my game. I was proud of how well I danced despite my bodies physical condition. (April had told me before that is the marking of a truly good dancer, some one who can dance well despite the feeling of dying.) Tim could see that I was not doing well physically and was clearly concerned. He couldn't figure out what my problem was and I didn't tell him the whole truth. We finished my lesson and I ran an errand with mom to cool down and get some beverages and crackers to recharge myself.

I came back to the studio for the party, planning to take it easy on myself. I didn't do the group lesson. (rare) It was salsa. (even stranger that I would sit out) This peaked everyone's interest. I was sitting in my normal spot leaning against the wall and Tim came over and sat right next to me. This is rare as well. Despite the fact that dancing at a high level requires body contact throughout the entire body, most of us operate at a distance from each other off the dance floor. The conversation followed.

T: What are you doing?
K: Sitting. What are you doing?
T: Nothing.
K: I don't buy that. You look mischievous.
T: (Evil Grin followed by a few seconds of silence)
T: So was your coaching what you expected?
K: No.
T: How so?
K: Umm... (struggling with how to respond knowing that he was referring to him being critique more than me)
T: Was it easier or harder than you expected?
K: Easier. He is far more intimidating in the group lessons and such a perfectionist. I was expecting to leave feeling like I sucked, but I left feeling rather confident.
T: (a couple of moments of contemplation) Were you disappointed?
K: (at this point I realized we were talking about the core issue about him receiving the brunt of the teaching) No, I feel more confident about the comp and I think I will do better after getting his coaching.
T: Okay, well next time I will tell him to dig into you too. (said with a smile on his face)
K: (smiling) Sounds good.

This is basically how Tim and I operate. Both of us are extremely non-confrontational and therefore we talk around the issue and yet still get the issues absolved.

So Tim's ego may have been bruised and he seemed rather embarrassed, but he didn't take it out on me. I am ready for the comp dance wise and instructor wise. All I need to do now is get healthy. I need to distance myself from the flu stuff I have been struggling with for a few weeks and this cold that I have which has given me a nasty cough and the inability to breathe.

Six days until the comp!

Fly

I should be asleep. Tomorrow will come very early, but I am just too wired.

My lesson tonight is the very reason why I dance. I had a lesson with Tim. Tomorrow is my lesson with Ray. I have been frustrated a lot and struggling with a lot of specifics with all of my dances. It has weighed heavily on my mind and confidence.

However, tonight as I was practicing with a normal dance partner and I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. Normally, my first reaction is to attack some specific physical aspect, like my acne or my stomach, but tonight, I didn't see that. I looked in the mirror and the only thing that went through my mind was that I looked graceful. My legs and body looked strong and I was moving well. It was nice to see myself in that light. Rare, but nice.

Then I went to eat with my practice partner and relaxed before my lesson, instead of doing the group lesson. When I came back I was relaxed and refreshed. Tim came out and the three of us chatted for a bit before he and I hit the floor. We did each of the 10 dances I am doing twice (the equivalent of what I will be doing that weekend). There were only minor corrections on my rhythm style dancing. I was laughing and having fun and enjoying doing the dances. It didn't feel like work today. Tim picked all of my favorite songs.

Then the last song in the first set of 10 was a Viennese Waltz. This has been my biggest struggle lately. I have been struggling with my frame and something called a natural turn and it is extremely difficult to get the room alignments correct. It is a fast dance and there is not much room for error. A few degrees off on each and you have a big big mess. Anyway, my favorite Viennese song came on. One I wanted to do for a showcase as a matter of fact. I looked at Tim and groaned and he groaned too.

We started doing a few hesitation steps then went into some reversal (similar to the naturals, but much easier as far as alignment goes). All was well. Then we approached the long wall and did a change step. This is a maneuver to change which foot is free. Then we went into naturals and for the first time, they felt good. I was excited, but afraid it was a fluke. Another change step, more reversals, an explosion (a turn in Viennese - called an explosion because the dance is so fast that breaking apart to turn looks a lot a explosion throwing the two people apart), another change step and more naturals. These felt good too!

I gave into the music and finally felt Viennese the way it is supposed to be. We were taking huge strides and the movement was coming easy and I felt it. I felt like I was flying. I felt above all of the stress and exhaustion. I felt like I was above all of the injuries and fears. I felt the exhilaration that this dance is supposed to encompass. Amazing! The song ended Tim threw me into another explosion and we finished in an open position. I was completely out of breath! I had to refocus and bring myself back down to earth. It was incredible. I felt free. The rest of the lesson went really well. I laughed and kidded around.

I feel completely relaxed for the competition. If I have more lessons like that then I will not be remotely nervous. I am nervous to see what Ray will throw into the mix, but I know he will add a lot to my dances. But tonight, I am excited (not nervous, excited) for the comp and loving every minute of what I do! Yay!

Checklist

Okay... This is really only for my benefit... I need to do a mental checklist of things I need to get done before the competition weekend.

Church

• Create and Print out new attendance sheets for March 1st
• Find a replacement for myself for March 1st
• Ask Julie if she will replace my Nursery worker for March 1st
• Ice skating outing on the 22nd. (I will not be skating for fear of injury right before the comp)
• Get Kiddie Kamp up-to-date
• Order 1st shipment of bibles
• Get church card paid off so I can buy bibles
• Talk to Pastor Mark about aid for Kindergarten Teacher
• Talk to Pastor Mark about aid for Kiddie Kamp
• Record Attendance for 22nd.
• Record perfect attendance for the month of February
• Select new song for kids to sing during offering
• Change bulletin board for new unit
• Create calendar for month of March
• Call Personal Journeys and Desperate Housewives small groups to remind them I need an attendance count every week.

Personal

• Wash and put away all clothes
• Clean clutter out of bedroom
• Vacuum bedroom
• Get Danno's Birthday Gift

Dance

• Coaching with Ray Rivers on 2/18
• Group lessons with Ray on 2/18 and 2/19
• Lesson with Tim on 2/20
• Final Lesson with Tim 2/24
• Pack for the hotel stay
• Try on dresses again
• Find appropriate undergarments for final selection of dance dresses
• Find a cover up to wear over gowns for the evening
• Decide how to wear my hair for both days of competition
• Pack beautifying stuff (hair, makeup, false eye-lashes)
• Test out putting on fake eye-lashes
• Manicure and Pedicure
• Tan four or five more times
• Chip in my portion for hotel stay
• Charge up Camera
• Pack highlighters for program
• Pack dresses in garment bag
• Pray and try to eliminate my nerves.

Marathon

Kevin, I'll be looking for some feedback on this one...

In talking with one of my dancing friends about my current back and shoulder problems, she compared our prepping for a competition to that of a marathon runner prepping for a marathon or a body builder prepping for a competition.

She has run a few marathons in the past and explains that after months and months of training, the competitor is often in their worst condition on the day of the competition. Bringing with them an array of icy-hot patches and pain killers. They are likely nursing an injury caused by gearing up their training.

If that is the case, then I am right on track. Currently, both shoulders are hurting (normally it is just my right) and my back is really hurting (normally just my lower back). I been trying to cram for this competition. I have been trying to drill in the correct frame for the smooth style of ballroom, which is an incredible unnatural pose for the woman. This is not totally new, but has not been emphasized this much in the past. I am trying to force this position to feel natural and comfortable enough to hold this position despite changes in my lower body. In order to do this it takes extreme strength in my back and shoulders which I have never had. Therefore, the muscles from my elbows down and my hind quarters up feel as though they are tied up in massive knots.

Try it: Here is the position for the women. 1. Stand up as straight and tall as possible both feet together with whole body facing forward. 2. Bend knees maintaining the length through the rest of your body. You should lose about 3 inches in height. 3. Roll shoulders as far back as they can go and then press them down into your core. 4. Bring arms up to be parallel with the floor. Continually push them forward applying constant pressure through your entire arms. 5. While keeping hips and feet facing forward, rotate your upper body to the right to almost a 45 degree angle. 5. Arch your lower back and lean backwards approximately 20 degrees. 6. Turn head left just shy of the left shoulder. Extend neck as high up as possible and look upwards. Meanwhile, maintain all of the length created in the first step. Now imagine changing the direction of travel, changing hip direction and concentrating on steps all while maintaining this incredibly unnatural position. This is what I am cramming.

I am just getting over the stomach flu and I have my lesson with Ray this week. I am just short of terrified. Tim is a pusher. He doesn't settle for anything less than my best. In fact sometimes he doesn't even settle for my best. He will be my partner during this lesson. Then there is Ray. Who is an incredible wealth of knowledge and also known to be a pusher. He is also known for putting you in the frame you need to be in and causing extreme soreness the next day. While I know this experience will be invaluable, I am so nervous. I want to make sure I am dancing at the best of my ability so as to get the most out of the hour I can.

We are in the count down until comp. Just a mere 11 days until I am competing. Yikes!

So Kev, do you agree that you are in your worst physical condition right before a race?

Waiting

It's been a long month. I have been struggling with balance this month. I have meant to write several times because I have had lots of thoughts, but very little time. So this is going to be sort of pieced together for the month.

I have been struggling quite a bit with balance lately. My life seems to be constantly running out of time. My daily schedule looks something like this (provided it has not recently snowed or it starts much earlier):

• 4:45 alarm starts going off
• 5:15 roll out of bed
• 5:30 leave the house
• 6:00 arrive at parkinson's house
• 6:15 parents have left, power nap
• 6:40 wake up kids, return to family room and power nap
• 7:10 pester kids to get moving faster
• 7:20 get kids breakfast
• 7:30 get their backpacks ready
• 7:40 walk to bus stop
• 7:45 kids get picked up, and i head home
• 8:20 back to my bed
• 11:35 alarm starts going off
• 12:00 roll out of bed
• 12:30 workout
• 1:30 tan
• 2:00 shower
• 2:30 head to church to pick up files
• 3:00 work at home
• 5:00 head to studio
• 11:00 home from studio
• 12:00 roll back into bed
• rinse and repeat

I long to spend time with Carrie and her family. I rarely get to do that anymore. The best that I can usually fit it in is to go work at her house instead of mine or see her at the office when we both have to be here. I long to just sit and watch a movie. To veg and relax and simply do nothing. I love to stay out late at night. I am by nature a night owl. I want to go out after being at the studio, but know I will pay for it in the morning. I want to read the three books I have sitting next to my bed. I want to study my bible more.

Here is where the catch-22 comes in. If I gave up my job babysitting early in the morning, I would be able to sleep like a normal person and get all 8 hours of sleep in one setting. I would be able to start my church work and workout routine earlier and be able to see the Liskeys more often. However, this job with the Parkinson's is the difference between me being able to advance in my dancing and simply taking a lesson. I wouldn't be able to swing it without the job. I want nothing more than to be able to dance for the rest of my life. I want to teach. I want to turn pro. I just feel like there isn't enough of me to go around and some days I get massively discouraged.

One week, when I was struggling deeply with the balance issue, I declared to myself, "Why can't I?" Most people live their whole lives doing something they don't enjoy. Most people never discover what it is that they truly love to do. Why can't I work for my dreams and make it happen. I WANT to make it happen. I realized that meant making some sacrifices. I would do my best to spend time with the people who I need to spend time with, but I would accept that there will never be enough time to do it all. I will accept that I will continually feel on the edge of illness due to exhaustion because someday I will be good enough to be hired on by a studio and I will be able to stop the job that is wiping me out.

I decided that the reason why most people give up on their dreams is because it is not the easiest route to go. It is much easier to settle for less. It is much easier to accept mediocre, but I want the abundant life. John 10:10. I don't want to settle for the easy road and I don't want to waste the natural ability I have been given.

My birthday was an interesting time. I was still deeply in the midst of this internal struggle and completely and totally exhausted. I remember saying to Carrie that I wasn't ready for the weekend. I was tired from a week of work and the weekend was going to be very VERY busy. My birthday weekend was a good one though. Mom allowed me to do what I love best and I danced every day that weekend. We went to dinner on Sunday and she gave me the amazing gift of no pressure. She was relaxed and let schedule the weekend in the way that was easiest and best for me. Thanks mom! Not to mention I now smell beautifully.

However, Carrie and Danno gave me some amazing gifts. As I have said, I have been unable to be as present as I have been in the past. The increase in dancing time has affected the Liskey clan more than anyone else. I was constantly riddled with guilt. But they gave me a gift which was far beyond the actual material gifts. They gave me support and encouragement. Carrie is writing me a children's book for me to read to my children one day about my journey into dancing. She also gave me a notebook full of inspirational dancing quotes to use as I teach and continue to learn. Danno gave me a dance book which has technique and figures in it. Amazing gifts, but they speak far beyond their materials. Carrie told me she was proud of me and amazed that I was pursuing my dreams. It was incredibly valuable to me to know that the person I feel like I am most letting down is not begrudging my decisions, but supporting them. Amazing.

Last week was a rough one again. I had a series of really rough lessons with my instructor. He has not competed in several years and I think the pressure may be mounting on him as well. We normally get along exceedingly well, but he was down right mean the last two lessons. He would laugh in my face as I made a mistake or would explain my mistake, then proceed to show me how stupid it looked, and then continue on in the action until I caved. My confidence was shattered. I was frustrated by how hard I was working and yet apparently still sucked. I didn't sleep at all. I was running through routines and I was very hard on my body as I fought to regain the technique I was told that I lost.

Right before my lesson this Friday, I watched Fireproof. It is an incredible movie, but more than that it has a great song in it.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You,

Lord And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

- While I'm Waiting - John Waller

This song spoke to me of waiting on the Lord. Being patient and believing He is in control despite how much it sucks. I headed to my lesson feeling stronger and more at peace than I had in a long time. I was able to stand up for myself to Tim and explain that I couldn't handle him laughing at me. We normally kid around a lot, but it had gone too far. He was fine and I had a good lesson. He still pushed really hard, but I left feeling capable of making the changes that needed to be made.

On the 18th, I will have my first coaching session with Ray Rivers. I am completely terrified, but I know that I will drastically better for the experience. It is a lot of money, but it further puts me on the track of where I want to be.

The comp is coming up. I will be competing on the mornings of Feb 27th and 28th. I am nervous, but the focus has overcome the nervousness.

That's enough thoughts for now.