Five

Life is much easier at the age of five.

Things which are easier or better when you are five:

• You don't have to take care of yourself when you are sick (could have used some help today).
• You can have an absolutely amazing time playing with clothes hangers, and only hangers.
• There are no complicated feelings such as love or hate.
• Everyone is your friend.
• All wounds can be healed with a kiss from mama, candy, or a little TV.
• Faith is not complicated by logic or doubts, it is just pure faith.
• Despite your outer appearance you are still ridiculously cute whatever you do.

Despite my extreme desire to be five again for at least a day,

Being almost twenty has these advantages:

• I can practice for taking care of others who are sick (I got some practice, alright!).
• I can have an absolutely amazing time talking with one of my best friends, just talking.
• The complicated feelings such as love or hate help me to further understand my relationship with Christ and what He did for me.
• Everyone may not like me, but the ones who do like me for who I am or in spite of who I am.
• All wounds can be healed by my heavenly Father. Who, no offense mom, is the best healer.
• My faith is deepened because of logic and doubts and I am able to walk closer to Christ.
• Despite my outer appearance, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

This post was meant to be a rant, but as is often the case when I am willing to listen to God. He has changed my heart. I will wait. It hurts, badly, but I will wait. And I look forward for the day when both are ready. As I sit here and remind myself again, whatever God has planned for me is far better then what I have planned for me. It may not be easier and it may not be more fun, but I trust him to take care of me. He loves me. And in that knowledge, I will be content and wait, for whatever He has planned for me. This is my ring. A symbol of my commitment to Christ above any other person, man or woman. Also the symbol of the only way for a man to reach my heart.

Just a few verse which I am clinging to.....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

"Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:3-5

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Joshua 1:5

Call

She's calling out to you

This is a call, this is a call out

Cause every time I fall down,

I reach out to you

And I'm losing all control now

And my hazard signs are all out

I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about.

-Thousand Foot Krutch "Call Out"

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:18-20

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

1 Timothy 1:16

Sorry. I need to make a call out of my own.

Things I would love to have prayer for:

1. Wisdom
2. Discernment
3. Peace
4. Trust in God to provide
5. Trust in God to guide me
6. Strength
7. Guarding my heart

Update

Not a whole lot has been happening lately, at least nothing overly blog worthy.

Grandma is here and that is pretty amazing! We played two really late night hand and foot games because I got off work really late. She got me this amazing Wonder Woman lunch box which I have made into a purse. It is awesome.

I have bruised my thumb from knitting. I have been getting up at 4 AM to finish knitting projects by noon. But I am pretty much all done. In the words of Grandma "yahoo!" So tonight, I will sit and watch movies and maybe try to fit in one more hand and foot game.

Grandma and Mom head to Ohio tomorrow and I am off Thursday and Friday, so I am looking forward to relaxing and doing things outside of work.

My Christmas was pretty awesome. Happy Birthday Jesus cake, noodles romanoff, tape, pens, Duncle and Dad causing trouble, and lots of giggling. Cory, you were sorely missed and prayed for multiple times. We love you.

I can't really think of much else to say. It was fun to see Kevin too. He and I got along 90% of the time he was home which I think is a new record for us. We traded silly messages on a dry erase board and it was good times. I wish I had gotten in another Settlers of Cattan game though because I am not totally sure I know how to play fully.

Ok, I think that is it for tonight. I am sure I will update more in the next two days since I will have more time.

Cory

The elaborate plan did not work as well as I had hoped, but at least it is still during my Christmas Day. Sorry it is not yours anymore, but oh well.

I wanted you to be able to join in on the present opening experience.

So, here is an unopened present....

Here is your opened present.....

As soon as I fully finish the scarf, they will be in the mail with your mp3s and the rest of your request list. I love you. I hope you like the stuff I made you! They are extra thick and extra warm! Merry Christmas!

By the way, here is a random picture of Dad's new snowsuit.....

Toot

Not to Toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT! Who got a 4.0 (Straight A's) while working through block 3? I did!!! I am pretty much amazing! Yup, Kerry Hoffman, I took my "I rock" pill today!

Caution

Caution.... Lord, Jesus, please guard me and protect me.....

Dance

I need to dance.

-waltz
-fox-trot
-latin ballroom
-salsa
-swing
-mambo
-tango

I'm not particular. I want to do it all. However, I don't just want to do it all, I want to be pretty darn good at them all!

Oh, and I think I could handle being a ballerina too.

Things to add to my "skills to learn" stack.

And even if I never dance in public outside of my wedding, (which would be a crying shame!) I want to be an amazing dancer for my first dance!

Waiting

I don't know what else to say except, "I'm waiting."

Waiting for direction. Waiting for some sign. Waiting to see some sort of end in sight.

At this point I don't even care what the end is, I just need to know the ending or even that there is an ending.

Gifting

So I remember really not enjoying working last Christmas, so I went into today expecting a really rough day. However, I was delightfully surprised. It was great to be back and I had a wonderful experience with a family.

A rather frantic mother walked up to me carrying a Hermie video (for those who are unfamiliar with all Family Christian Store Merchandise, this is a movie about a caterpillar which was written by Max Lucado, a famous Christian author). She asked me for a specific cross necklace that was in our flier, then decided against it and wanted me to open a case so she could get another one. While asking me for the keys, she also asked where a Hermie dinner flatware set was. So I walked her back to the kid section and reached to the top of the shelf and retrieved the flatware.

Then as we being to walk back toward the front of the store to get the cross she says to me,
"So, this is what is going to happen,"
(My thought at this point is.... "You will pay for the stuff and leave? I really pretty much know how this works.)
She continues by saying "I am going to buy the necklace (she is not making me hold the necklace really low and covered) and hide it in my pocket and I will leave the Hermie stuff here.
Me = "Ok" (this is a hesitant ok because I am thinking why on earth did I pull this stuff down if you are going to leave it here.)
Customer = "After I leave, my kids are going to come in here and buy me a Christmas present"
I'm thinking "Your kids are going to buy YOU a Hermie video and flatware set?"
Customer = "I need you to help them. They have the bag coupon. Can they use that?"
Me = "Yes. And the Hermie items?"
Customer = "They will buy those with their own money."
She proceeds to stuff the purchased cross into her pocket and leave the store.

I turn around my fellow employees and laugh about the situation. At this point I am very daunted by the task of picking out a present for this woman. I am freaked because the Hermie video is for kids ages 3-6 and I am thinking this is the age of kids who I will be helping pick out a present for mommy.
From the direction of the door I hear "That one. The tall one with the dark hair."
I laugh, turn around and wave and suddenly notice that it is about a 13 year old boy and a 10 or 11 year old girl. The customer/mom continues to baby the children until she is absolutely positive they know which cashier to go to. Then she leaves and the kids approach me.
The boys says (in his best "I'm really an adult" voice and manner) "I have a coupon."
Me = "Ok"
The boy would not walk away until I had taken the coupon from him.
They begin to walk around the store and keep looking back at me for help. I am thinking "these kids are old enough to pick out a gift for their mom and I do not want to insult them by babying them."
The boy again returns to me and asks for a Thomas Kinkade Perpetual Calendar. (Thomas Kinkade is a artist). He claims it was in "the" flier. I pull out the current flier and he tells me it was the one before that. Considering it was my first day back from school, I am clueless as to what and where stuff in the last flier would be.

So after some debating about what a perpetual calendar was, (the paper flipping kind, the wood block kind, or the hanging king). I found a Thomas Kinkade Perpetual Calendar. It was HUGE and extremely expensive! I pick it up expecting the boy to tell me no and I look to the boy who smiles at me. He brings it up to the register along with two Thomas Kinkade coffee cups and the various Hermie toys. I begin to ring this stuff up and again the boy is trying very obviously and very hard to be as adultish as possible. With the coupon, the total was huge. I was really afraid to tell them the total because I was sure these two kids couldn't have that much money of their own between the two of them. I say the total and the boy looks down at his wad of money and counts it out and my eyes widen. He has a lot more than I thought. He hands me several twenties so I have to give him about ten dollars back in change. I smile and shake my head and try to wrap this huge calendar the best I can with tiny bags (which was really pretty badly). The kids then left and I left the store ten minutes after my shift ended because I was enjoying the situation so much and didn't want to leave until they had.

Now that I have retold this story I am sure it is not nearly as funny and sweet to anyone else. But watching these two young kids acting like big time adults buying what I assume is their first big time gift for their mom, was just too cute. And the mom babying both these kids and working so hard to hide this necklace and get the Hermie stuff ready so she could have an excuse to be in the store. It was just such a great family Christmas moment and I was happy to be a part of it.

Working at FCS this Christmas might not be nearly a hard as it was last year.

Promise

I'm officially crazy. I know. However, I am blessed with some wonderful friends who can almost instantly bring me out of the dumps. I will miss you all over break.

A wonderful friend spoke this truth to me without being prompted:
"I will never leave you nor forsake you,
so even if life sucks, I will never be alone"

This comes from Joshua 1:5

I am clinging to this promise with all my heart.
My heavenly Father loves me and will never leave me or forsake me.
I am never alone.
He is the only one who will always keep His promises to me.
I will rest and be content in Him.

I also have been brought back to an old favorite of mine.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

This is how and why I know I can have hope in the future God has planned for me.
I am so blessed to have friends who breathe the word of God into my heart when I need it the most and am unwilling to find it for myself.

Supernothing

I may have strength through Christ. I may be strong. But I am not superwoman. I am not invincible. I may be tough, but I do break. I thought I was strong. I thought with God's help I could endure anything and I know, together we can, but some days I just get distressed. I did something today that I really didn't want to do. I'm afraid that is the way it is going to have to be though. Oh well, I know God has something special for me, but its hard to wait and not be able to see it.

I just talked to my brother about this several weeks ago, but I wish God spoke in neon signs. Or used the lighted arrow at the Family Inn on US 52 like I joke about. I try to follow God's will for my life, but with so many voices, so many thoughts, so many feelings (not emotions, but the "I've just got this feeling", sort of feelings) I just don't know how to sort through it. And I can hear myself responding to my brother in saying "if the decision brings about good fruit, then it is from God" or "If I know the character of God, then I know what His will is." And now I understand why he got so angry with me. That doesn't eliminate the voice, thoughts, or feelings. It just proves to me how lost I am when looking for direction. So I have turned to the more passive aggressive approach in which I sit and say to God, "Since I can't figure out what I am supposed to do, then You do it. You bring whatever it is You desire for my life about." Then as I am sitting and waiting, I again get lost in the "did God bring this about or did I bring this about?" It is an endless cycle of doubt.

I don't doubt God. I don't doubt his plan for my life. I do doubt my ability to decipher which direction he is pulling me.

We have talked in Bible Study many times about overanalyzing and looking too much into the situation and contorting stuff to be whatever we want it to be. So, I know it is not just a common problem to me. And as I was typing I remember the solution we came up with. It was to pray for something in particular whenever we started to over think. Yup, well, I guess that was my answer.

Writing has always been my way of sorting things out. It forces me to think chronologically and logically. Or in the words of Mike Britton, to think in waffles instead of spaghetti. Writing = therapeutic.

I apologize if this doesn't make sense but it helped me.

Beyond

I am officially beyond me. God has brought such healing in my life these past few months and the healing could only come from Him, when I was forced to depend solely on Him. It's amazing how God uses our times of loneliness to show us Himself. I finally like myself for who I am, and again none of that came from myself or anyone else, it only came from God. He has healed me and I have learned to see myself through His eyes. I realize I am still a sinner and worthy of damnation, but because of my salvation through Christ and my blameless state because I have accepted the salvation, I have begun to see myself as someone worth-while. I am looking forward to my future. I plan to spend the rest of my life bring glory to God in all I do.

However, just because I am optimistic of my future in Christ, doesn't mean I am sure of where it is going or what it will entail. I mean, I know I am to bring glory to God, but how I do that and who I do it with is all beyond me. Because I know I will have an abundant life, I am looking forward to the man and future God has planned for me. But the earthly part of me has difficulty figuring out God's will when it comes to certain aspects of my future. But I will rely on God to bring about what He desires for me.

Well, these are all thoughts that have been brought up in the last week. I am patiently awaiting my abundant life.

Grandma LeMay - Please come for Christmas (I would love to spend time with you and play cards)

Travel

I will be traveling this weekend. I should be back on Saturday or Sunday. Please feel free to text me or call me. I would love some encouragement or even just idle talk. Please pray.

Remember

Braudice Byron LeMay, my grandfather, has passed away.

I decided I wanted to share some memories that I have of him.

First of all, he was the first man I remember dancing with. As I spent many summers visiting the LeMays, I spent a great deal of time line dancing or square dancing. I have many memories of dancing with him.

I remember several boy vs. girl hand and foot games. Grandma and I would play against Grandpa and Rory. I remember Grandma and I usually won (that may just be selective memory though). But there was a certain amount of "trash talk" which made the games simply hilarious fun.

I also remember going one summer with some projects in mind. I wanted Grandma to help me make a baby blanket and I wanted Grandpa to help me make a Guiro for my brother. I remember that grandpa accepted the challenge without having any idea what we were making. I also remember his patience as I tried to describe to him a musical instrument I had never seen before. I also remember his patience in letting me actually help craft this instrument. He taught me how to use each machine in his garage, but was never more than a foot behind me to make sure I was using the machines safely. I also remember he and I trying out the instrument several times. Listening to the sound and thinking about what we could do to improve the sound.

My grandpa was a brilliant man and always showed me so much patience as a child. He will be sorely missed. I love you Grandpa.

Endorphins

After a really stressful week, it was wonderful to go outside to and exert some physical effort. It was great! I know physical work produces endorphins (happiness) but for some reason I always forget this in the midst of stress.
I have decided to do things like this more often. It feels good to be active and get my blood pumping!
Two thumbs up! Lots of fun!

Razzles

They are both a Candy and a Gum! Today was a great day. Sarah and I went on a 3 and a half hour candy search, and while we are still a Mars Bar short, I found Razzles. The candy mentioned in 13 Going On 30. I was entirely to excited by this find because I thought and was thinking only early this morning that Razzles must have been some fictional candy because I had never heard of them. At to my amazement, there they were in the candy store in the mall! Amazing! They taste amazing and are completely surprising when they turn to gum, but once they hit the gum stage they lose their flavor in about 10 seconds. Therefore, you must keep adding Razzle after Razzle until you have developed a sort of lock-jaw due to excess gum.

Topic switch: Dawn's birthday was great fun! Arni's is indeed a good pizza place and Who Framed Rodger Rabbit? is not nearly as bad of a movie as I had once thought. It was great time with great friends! I hope we can do it again soon!

Well, I must get to sleep. 9:45 comes in just 7 and a half hours. Night!