Smile

I am walking back out onto the sales floor after my break, when a work friend of mine notices me. She is with a customer. She gives me an odd look. I continue with my business. About a minute later she is done with her customer and is at my side. She says in a loud whisper, "So, who is he?" I turn around and look at her, then around the store to see who she is talking about. She notices my confusion and she says, "you are glowing and you look like you are about to jump through the ceiling, who is the guy that made that happen to you." (I've been having a really rough week emotionally at work because there is too much time to think, this work friend has been helping me cope). Now, I can feel the grin on my face get even bigger as I say, "I just had a really great phone conversation." She then gets a sly look on her face and says, "with a guy?" I now have begun to back peddle a little because she is getting the wrong idea and explain the reason for my apparent goofy grin.

It was Jai that called me during my lunch break. I was ten minutes late for returning from my break because I did not want to get off the phone. We talked for forty minutes. If you know anything about me. I am not a big phone talker, at all. I basically hate talking on the phone with anybody with the exception of a few people. Anyway, we did the obligatory small talk for about ten minutes then started talking about dancing for the last half hour. He told me about some clubs in Chicago he wanted to take me to. We talked about dancing with bad partners. We talked about him starting some new lessons in Northwest Indiana and about me being his co-teacher/demonstrator. Then he talked about how I should move to Chicago to dance. He explained that I could easily get a job in child advocacy there and could work at the Borders there in the mean time and dance with him and start teaching some classes up there. We talked about odd moments of being caught dancing by unsuspecting people. He talked about what a great dancing pair we make and how well we work together. We talked about starting my lessons back up soon and starting some group lessons in the area.

I know most people will not understand the excitement of that phone call, but I was bouncing off the walls. After realizing how drastically this phone call change my mood, I began to feel the ridiculousness of it all. I turned and looked at my work friend and said, "I think you are only supposed to be this excited when the love of your life has recently proposed." But I was in a fabulous mood for the rest of my time at work, short of one nasty incident with my manager.

It was amazing. All I can think about right now is dancing.

Reading

I have just started reading Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot. Cory and Katie gave me this book for Christmas. Katie has been recommending it to me for quite some time and I really wanted to read it.

I have liked what I have read so far. However, while reading it, I was hoping that I would be distracted from other things or led to give up other things. But, this has not been the case, my mind has been more focused than ever. This is really vague, I know. I just really needed to say something.

I hope through prayerfully reading this book, I will find some wisdom and guidance for my heart and mind.

Weird

I just got some other news which makes me not want to post these stories, but I promised Dawn I would.

Dawn, I need to talk to you soon....

Story 1:
I wrote about this last year, here.

This guy is back. He has been in the store the last two days. He has watched me as I have hurried around the store. Weird.

Story 2:
I work with some interesting people at Borders. That is the premise for this story. I rushed into the bathroom yesterday, despite being busy because I really "had to go." I then rush back out of the bathroom and collide with this person who I believe to be Victor, a guy who I work with. I would not put it past Victor to purposely collide with me. I had been body checked twice already that day by two different male employees. So, I just sort of roll away from the guy. Then I hear a deep, "I'm sorry, are you OK?" At this point, I realize that it is not Victor and become incredibly embarrassed that I didn't apologise first. I mumble, "yes, I am okay" and rush on to my section of the store.
I felt guilty most of yesterday. Today, I am working in the kids section, and a man walks in. He walks directly up to me and says, "Hey, I ran into you yesterday, literally, as you were coming out of the bathroom." I turn about eight shades of red and say, "Oh, I am so sorry about that." He brushes it off and says, "So, how are you doing today?" I'm confused and answer, "fine, and you?" He again brushes off my answer and introduces himself. I don't remember his name. I introduce myself, despite my name tag and tell him it was nice to meet him. He then turns around and starts to walk away. I say, "could I help you find something?" He says, "No, I just really wanted to talk to you." He smiles. I smile. End of story.

Story 3:
There is a guy at work who is just a lot of fun to joke around with. In the past several days he has made several comments about my beauty. They have all been made while joking, but they all have been positive.

Now it's time for the perspective which I obtained as I was driving home.

The last several weeks, I have felt disgustingly hideous. My acne is worse than it has been in years and I am still much larger than I would like to be. I have pretty much decided that it doesn't matter who I really am, that most people cannot see beyond the acne and fat to anything positive inside of me.

So, here's my thought, which has been confirmed the more I think about occurrences in the last several days. I feel hideous and sure that people cannot see anything good beyond my physical appearance, so God plants three different men in my way to prove to me that there is more to me than my fat and acne. That someone can, in fact, find me attractive. And while I am not even remotely interested in any of the aforementioned males, it is amazing the way God has provided a glimpse of what He sees when he looks at me.

Woohoo

I am a college graduate! SWEET!

No more school..... ever.....

Ignorance

I have a gripe.

I get really frustrated with people speaking out while being completely ignorant of the effects of their comments..

A man came up to me today at work. A complete stranger said to me, "You should really wash your face with Product X. It will help to clear up your face."

I admit this has happened to me before, but it struck a different chord today.

Why? I woke up feeling ugly. I looked in the mirror and had my suspicions confirmed. I thought, "can anybody see beyond my acne or is that all anyone can see?" I had to get a new driver's license today. What was the first thing a noticed about my picture? Yikes, my face looks horrible.

I realize the man was trying to be helpful, but it was so much more detrimental than helpful. I had in fact used the product before and every other product anyone has ever mentioned to me. Just a word of advice, before you offer a suggestion to a random stranger, consider that the person may not want their most sensitive flaws pointed out by complete strangers.

This man confirmed my suspicion that people cannot in fact see beyond my acne. They just see my ugly, scarred, red face. Thanks mister.

Done

I am done! Officially!!!! YES!!

Broken

I have broken a chain today!

I didn't post about this, this morning because I didn't want to jinx myself.

I drove today and didn't get in an accident.

While that may not seem like big news to you, let me preface.

The last two years I have gotten in a car accident on the first big snow while driving to or from a school observation. This is what I was preparing myself for this morning as I was preparing to drive in the snow for the first time this winter on my way to a school for an observation. But delightfully, no accident! Hooray!!

Sweet

For those of you who are counting along.... There are merely six days left until I am officially done student teaching.... Sweet!

This exciting news merits some song lyrics....

We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave those kids alone.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

-Pink Floyd, Another Brick in the Wall

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer
Out till fall
We might not go back at all
School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely

-Alice Cooper, School's Out

Oh we're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
Oh we're not gonna take it anymore

We've got the right to choose it
There ain't no way we'll lost it
This is our life, this is our song

We'll fight the powers that be just
Don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong

Oh we're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
Oh we're not gonna take it anymore

-Twisted Sister, We're Not Gonna Take It

Thinking

We spend our days in deliberating, and we end them without coming to any resolve.

~L'Estrange



She that fails to command her thoughts will soon lose command of her actions.



Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.

~Clifton Fadiman



It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing.

~Brian W. Aldiss



A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.






In case there was any doubt as to the purpose of this post.... I can't sleep. My mind is running on tangents which it should not be entertaining and therefore will allow me no rest. I tried to find some amazing quote to post to explain better than I am able, but I did not find the perfect candidate. I'm off to watch some Law & Order, to drown my thoughts in until I fall asleep.

Coleman

I miss Coleman.

Read about him in Exponent

Read about him in my blog here and here.

Despite the weirdness of who he is and my experiences with him. He always added a dose of excitement to my life. It was fun hiding from him and talking with other girls who had shared similar odd experiences. I miss his huge water bottle he used to carry around with him.

It's odd the people you miss.

Sunday

I'm sick. Yet another reason why teaching is not for me. Too many germs passing amongst too many kids. But there are things I want to write, so here we go.

Church

Col 2:13-14

Pastor Tim - Truth faith comes from understanding the depth of our sin and the height of God's grace and mercy.

Quality biblical instruction again. I really love that church.

Dance

Severally creepy man who is old enough to be my father who has apparently taken to me, and I'm not talking about a father/daughter relationship. I do not think any person has ever made me feel so dirty or my skin crawl as much as this person and I have only seen him twice.

John and Tim are wonderfully nice guys who helped protect me from the aforementioned creepy old man.

I would love to teach dancing. That may become one of my part time jobs when I graduate.

I miss Jai. He is definitely my favorite person to dance with and it drives me crazy that I have not danced with him in two weeks.

School

There are only one and a half weeks in which I am still responsible for the education of the students. That end will be a large relief, but I still have much to do for Purdue. I should in fact be working on that now, but I am sick and procrastinating. I work well under pressure.

Friends

I sincerely love the Liskeys. I love to be at their house. I love to be in their presence and amongst their family. It provides me with a sense of family which I have never experienced.
They bring me a certain joy and peace which I cannot seem to grasp outside of their home.

I really miss my friends from school. The strength of my faith has been majorly faltering since the beginning of student teaching. I long for the encouragement and butt-kicking from Dawn which kept me striving to grow. I miss the random antics. I do not often ride around in cars for the sake of finding something fun and random, like making animal noises at people who are walking or preventing my poor trapped roommate from going to the bathroom because I was in an odd mood that day. It seems my life has become very predictable. I miss the randomness of college life.

Mom

It is really great to share a passion of dancing with my mom. Last year, it angered me. Dancing was my thing and I felt like she stole my thunder. Now, I almost hate going dancing without her. It is fun and we have a great time causing trouble and pointing out abnormalities. We have a great deal more in common and it is wonderful talking to someone who understands what I am saying and can help to keep me sharp.

Reflection

I've been thinking recently about my many late nights in the living room of Travis and Laura. As I was struggling with massive bitterness combined with low-self esteem and relationship addiction, they asked me to think about if it would be worth while to wait to get married or even remain single for the rest of my life. At the time, I was reasonably surprised at my reaction which was uncontrollable crying. I am not an overly emotional person. Strike that, I am emotional, I just don't show it often. I am one of those time bomb people. I was surprised at how quickly that idea reduced me to tears, and not just tears but sobbing and shaking. The initial questions that brought about the tears?

What if you are not married by the time you graduate?

Some of you may be rather surprised that this was once an expectation of mine. At one point in my life, I seriously believed that I would be engaged by the time I was 20 and married by the time I turned 21. And even though the pictured husband left the picture (thankfully), I still envisioned myself in a wedding dress and 21 years of age. Travis and Laura were the first people who made me face the fact that my five year plan may not happen, and it hurt. Laura, in a final blow on that night two years ago, asked me will you be willing to wait until you are 28 for the man God will bring to you. You can imagine my reaction to this question at that time.

Now, here I am, 32 days away from my graduation and 21 years old. I have missed two deadlines and will shortly miss my last call deadline. How am I dealing with this? I am simply amazed at the work God has done in me in the past two years. Granted, there are days, like tonight, when I find out another one of my friends is engaged or soon to be married, and I am reminded of my goal and I can almost hear my biological clock ticking. But on the whole, I am willing to wait.

I look at the relationships that surround me. There are a few couples who are engaged that I am fearful of their future. I know their married life will contain massive struggle because they did not wait for what God had planned for them. There are other couples who have been married for a long time, about six months, or are newly engaged, who I can look to and see that a God-centered marriage is totally worth the wait.

I do not really remember what my fears were about being single, but I assure you that my fears of an ungodly marriage are far worse than any I faced two years ago.

It may be a Navigator thing or a result of the seriously bad relationship that I was in, but I think it will be difficult to convince me of marriage now. That is not to say I don't want to get married. I do, badly. But, I want to make sure it is the right one. I hate divorce. It will not be in the cards for me, so if I make a mistake in the selection process, it is my mistake to deal with for the rest of my life. Therefore, I am not taking this relationship thing lightly. I will need to move slowly. I will need some serious praying to happen. From myself, my intended, and my friends and family. My Purdue friends will know what extra type of praying will need to take place before marriage. I will need peace.

Most of all, I will need an insane amount of patience from the man I will marry. There are still scars left from my previous relationship. The bitterness is gone, but there are still side effects from a five year unhealthy relationship. (An aside on my feelings about bitterness about exes and new relationships - Still being bitter and starting a new relationship is a bad idea. You are taking the ex with you into the new relationship. I don't care how amazing the new significant other is, bringing your ex into the relationship through bitterness will put unhealthy strain on the relationship, and chances are the new relationship will not last either.) How exactly these scars will show themselves in a new relationship, I have no idea. I have spent so much time chastising myself over the mistakes I made in the past and working to guard my heart and maintain emotional and physical purity, it may be hard for me to learn to give those away at appropriate times. My biggest fear, is falling into my same patterns and making the same mistakes. The person that I am now, is so different from who I was then, but I fear becoming who I've been. I will need a patient man to understand that and stand beside me as I am exploring what a healthy, God-centered relationship looks like.

However, I hate the idea of being somebodies burden. When I reread the previous part, I sound like high maintenance. I think to myself, yeah right, not worth it. But I love the lyrics from Rent that says, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." The best way to be patient and sympathize is to have gone through it yourself. To know the struggles and difficulties and be attune to the feelings that come with them.

This was a massive amount of rambling which I wasn't expecting. Part of me wants to delete it so I won't have to deal with comments from people, but the original purpose of this was so that I could write my thoughts. So here they are. The cartoons are added for comical breaks throughout the reading process.

Poo

It makes me laugh that my dear roommate thinks of me whenever poo mentioned.

That's quality.

I am not sure what that says about me, but I am okay with it, whatever it is.

Friday

Whew. It's been a day and I still have approximately 3 hours to go. Yucky.

I have had the students write formal business letters regarding the blood drive. Long, tedious project. Apparently they have never ever proof read anything before. So, here I am proofreading 20 letters. These letters need to be corrected and have their final copy submitted within an hour and a half. At this point, I am getting really practical. Does it really matter that their word choice stinks? No! Does it matter that every single one of them has decided I am a Mrs and not a Ms? No! Does it matter that they included things in their letter I specifically told them not to? No! Does it matter that the format, we went over 100 times in not represented in the letter? No! What does matter? Spelling. That's pretty much it. The parents aren't going to know what format I was using. They aren't going to know the details they were or were not supposed to include in the content of the letter. They will probably just think it is cute that all of the students have decided I am married, despite me talking about it and writing my name up on the board. And word choice? Ha. That's a laugh.

So I push past my OCD and fix only the major errors. With about 20 minutes to go before I need to have them all finished. I finish proofreading my last one. Yes, that does in fact mean that some of the student letters about the blood drive which is occurring on Monday will not go home until Monday evening. Do I care at 2:00 PM on Friday. Not at all.

What am I thinking about?

How much I don't want to type up my schedule and how I really just want it to be 5:00PM.

I have been singing a song to myself most of the day. Now that I want to remember it I can't recall it. But it had something to do with trading my red pen for a glass of vodka. I should say. I am not a drinker. I loathe drinking. But at 2 PM on Friday. That's what I am thinking.

Oh, and how I just really want to dance. I have the angry/frustrated/hyperness that Jai likes to see so much when I dance with him. Apparently it makes me a better dancer. So, I am ready. I want to work out my week on the dance floor. But, unfortunately there is still some more week between me and that dance floor.

Good news?

21 days left of being responsible for the education of these children!

Tidbits

We are working on history skits in school. Names changed for obvious reasons.

George: "Miss Driver, do you like my mustache?"

Me: "Why do you have a paper mustache?"

George: "Because I am a Frenchman in the play!"

Me: "So, all Frenchmen have facial hair?"

George: "Yes!"

I continue to circle around the room and come back to this group about 10 minutes later and overhear.

Leanne: "Why do you have a beard? Frenchmen don't have beards?"

Me: (They all have mustaches, but no beards.... hmm... I love children stereotypes.)
George: (Stroking his paper beard with an incredibly serious face) "I think it makes me look distinguished."

Some song lyrics I am enjoying.

Oh come and dance with me, my baby

Let's dance, do it, go crazy

The night is young and so are we

Let's make love and dance the night away
-Debelah Morgan (A song to which I recently learned to Tango).

There are only 39 days until I graduate and 24 days until I am officially done with my responsibilities in the classroom. I'm pretty excited.

After feeling blacklisted last week at our Friday dance. I am really looking forward to trying it again. I have some confidence in my dancing back and am now willing to leave if the blacklisting continues.

Count

Forty-six days and counting!!!! :) Yay!

Stunning

This is a video of one of the coolest nights I have ever had. This is my stunning friend Danno. He was picked out of the crowd to go up on stage with Relient K for "Sadie Hawkins Dance". I apologise for the lame video quality. I was so excited, I was shaking and the music was too loud for my poor camera to handle.

Symbol

I was thinking in church today about dancing again and connections to faith and our walk with God. This is more specific to the waltz and the basic ballroom etiquette.

The Invitation -

This is often done without words. The man places his hand out for the woman to either accept or reject. In this simple gesture, the man is asking, "Will you trust me?" and "Will you allow me to take you on this journey?". In the acceptance, the woman is putting her trust and whole self in the care and protection of the man. She is acknowledging that he is in charge and she will follow him wherever he goes.

The Beginning -

In the Waltz, once the woman is led out to the dance floor. Her hand is dropped and the man assumes dance position. This position entails the man once again holding his left hand out to the woman and holding his right arm open waiting to take her into his arms. His weight is on his left foot with his right foot pointed off to the side. The woman moves toward him and takes his left hand with her right. She rests her left arm on his right shoulder as he wraps his right arm around her. At just the right time during the introduction, the couple shifts their weight. The man to his right leg, the woman to her left. The woman's gaze shifts to look over the man's right shoulder. In this moment, both parties have completed the final agreement to take this journey together. The two have now become one and are ready to begin.

The Dance -

The dance begins slowly. The man is completely in charge and is responsible for making his and her movement fit the music. The man is simply the worker. He understands that all of the beauty and purpose of this dance, rests in the woman he holds in his arms. The music fades in and out, reaches a fevered pitch and calms again. Throughout this time, the woman follows the man's desires for her, trusting him to make her look as beautiful and perform the very best she possibly can.

The Ending -

The dance ends with a turn for the woman in which the partners separate to form a parallel line with the observers. The couple then turns toward each other and a mutual, "Thank You" is expressed. The man is thankful for being trusted and allowed the privilege of taking the woman on this journey. The woman is delighted to have been personally chosen and carried away. The dancers walk off of the floor and wait to meet again for yet another wonderful occasion.

The Connection -

The invitation for our relationship with Christ is a standing invitation, which we must either accept or reject. In the time of the invitation, Christ is asking us to trust him to allow Him to take us on a journey to bring us on towards completion. In our acceptance of Christ, we are promising to let him lead our lives and follow him wherever He takes us.

At the beginning of our walk, we acknowledge that we no longer exist. We die to ourselves and Christ lives in us. Two have become one.

Throughout the dance or walk of faith, there may be moments of confusion. In which we are confused about the direction we are being led. We may take a few wrong steps, but because our lead is the ultimate leader, he guides us back to the right pattern and step and continues to lead us. He works to make us become the very best we can be. He works to prefect us and leads us to do everything He desires.

Although, there is never an end of our walk of faith, there are moments that exist in our lives when the follower looks to their partner, their leader, and is grateful. Grateful for being chosen to be saved from the certain effects of their sin. Grateful for the leader who never fails and is always steady, capable, compassionate, graceful, and helpful.

Amazing

Did you know I am amazing?
I am! I've been told.


Reasons I am amazing....
1. Jai (my dance instructor) said I was, when he called to say how impressed he was with my dancing. I was actually able to Waltz with Jai tonight in front of the students in the beginners class. It was amazing to have people watch me with their jaws literally hanging open. The guy who owns the studio even commented on how well I dance. Amazing!
2. I have lost 13 pounds! (I weighed myself after the shower, with wet hair, at the end of the day, so I may have lost even more.)
3. Despite massive concussion symptoms, I completely impressed my university supervisor. So much so that I completely duped her. She commented that I clearly was excited about what I was teaching and loving what I was doing.

Dawn

Not all of this may be appropriate. Seriously, Grandma & Grandpa Driver and Dad, stop reading this.

However, I am writing this post entirely for Dawn Taylor, because she seems to get a kick out of the weird things that happen to me. This was an entire day of weird things.

7:00 AM: I am dog sitting for the Liskeys. I arrive. A friend's car is there, it was there last night, but I didn't see him then. I again do not see him as I walk in. What do I see? The dog has pooped, nay, had diarrhea in three spots on the back porch. These are not small spots. These spots are the size of my dog. So I begin dry heaving and deciding on my plan of attack to clean these spots. Scoop it on a paper plate? Nope, no paper plate. Use the pooper scooper? Nope, I would have to go through the poopy back yard to get it. My friend? Nope, I would feel too guilty waking him up (assuming he is asleep and that is why I have not seen him). Paper towel? Best option I got. So, I begin to clean the mess up. Dry heaving the entire time. I finish. I disinfect. I leave.

10:45 AM: I have an appointment with a new neurologist. She is not taking any new patients, but seeing as how I am a freak of nature, she took me on. She then begins to explain in very simple terms all of the questions and problems that I have had about my concussion stuff that no one has been able to answer for me for years. Cause of multiple concussion? Nope, not doing it on purpose for attention. Nope, not just ridiculously clumsy. Nope, not simply not careful. Migraines, I spend most of my life with one. Therefore I am almost constantly in a fog and not as sharp as I would be at other times. Cause of ongoing concussion symptoms? Not, brain damage that won't show up in tests. Not, imagined symptoms I create to gain sympathy. Migraines, which share all of the same symptoms as the concussions. Memory loss, word choice, exhaustion, dizziness, all from Migraines. Am I going to be brain dead by the time I am 30? Survey says no.

3:00 PM I am running a blood drive at my school through the Red Cross for a big Purdue Project. The kick-off for the blood drive starts today. I am told Buddy (the mascot for the program) has been booked. I am called down to the office to pick up my special guest. There is the spokeswoman, and a big bag. I'm thinking, "Where's the guy who is supposed to be Buddy?" She's thinking and saying, "So who gets to be buddy?" I am trapped. I agree to be Buddy. What is Buddy? A giant blood drop of course. 5 foot in diameter. That's right I have to put on a bright red spandex unitard and then this huge blood drop on top of my head. To complete the look I have white gloves with only four fingers. Yup. I proceed to walk around the school and wave to all the kids. You should know. I have an overwhelming problem with being surrounded by kids. Now add a huge hot costume and forty kids all wanting a high five or to touch you. YIKES. Pretty much a nightmare. And the best part? I get to do it again tomorrow and Wednesday.

8:00 Private Ballroom Lessons.
Jai: "What dances do you want to learn besides the Waltz"
Me: "All of them, I want to be able to do any of them with an emphasis on the Waltz."
Mom: "Make her do the Tango, she hates it."
Jai: "You hate it?"
Me: "The more I have danced it the less I hate it."
Jai: "Well, I am not going to pressure you into it. You will have to think about it and come tell me when you are ready to do it. It's intense."
Me: "Ok" (mildly embarrassed)
Jai: "You’re essentially humping on the dance floor, so you let me know when you are ready to do it. Just come in and say, "Jai, I am ready to do it. Let's do it" and we'll do it.
Me: "Ok" (Thoroughly embarrassed)
Jai: "I mean, because you are essentially making a conscious effort to put your junk on top of her and keeping it on her, so you let me know when you are ready and we'll do it."
Me: "Ok" (Downright mortified)
Me: *Thinking* I am never going to learn to tango. I am never going to be able to walk up after this conversation and say, "I'm ready, let's do it." Oh well.





Yup. so that was my day. Seriously abnormal. Seriously random. Seriously over.

Art

I'm sitting in school. At Cindy's big teacher desk during my most beloved special, Art. No, I am not an art fanatic. No, the kids do not calm back calmer. No, the kids make art projects for me. I simply adore Art because it is 20 minutes longer than my other specials. I love it. It's amazing what an extra 20 minutes can do for you. I can be so productive.

Not the case today though. I got online. I checked my email... I tried to look at facebook, but it is blocked by the school, and I will soon check the progress of my shoe order. What should I be doing? Grading the spelling and vocab tests I gave today. Revising Task 2 and 3. Working on my professional performance evidence paper. Finishing Spence's website. But no.

It's Friday. I'm tired and darn it, I just really want to do a Sudoku puzzle.
So, after cleaning most of last night and this morning. I am going to relax and do nothing I am supposed to do and wait until Sunday to stress again and work on what I should be working on....

Now, off to check on that shoe order....

Waltz

Okay.....

I understand I have written about dance lately and such, but it really excites me.

I just had my first private lesson. I am doing a 10 week session on the Waltz.

I have always loved the waltz. The women are so graceful and beautiful. Not the beautiful that the world defines, but a completely different kind of beautiful.

Saturday night I was trying on some clothes, including several dresses. My self-esteem was dropping quickly as I realized I looked like a football player who had put on a dress. I didn't look beautiful. I didn't even really look like a woman. This was a crushing blow. It has been so long since I have felt beautiful, truly beautiful.

It's hard to feel beautiful when you have a face full of acne, you are overweight, you don't know how to wear make up, and you just really prefer sweat pants to anything else. So, here I am in a major self-esteem slump heading into my Monday night waltz lesson, thinking "ugly girls need not apply".

But slowly, as I learn more and more technique and move past the basic steps, I begin to feel better. I realize I am gliding. I am graceful. And while I know I am paying him, there is a man who is inviting me to dance, teaching me to move in a way that reminds me of princesses and royal balls, and treating me with the utmost respect because that is just what ballroom people do. And I loved every minute of it, but especially the minute when my imagine successes are confirmed by my instructor with an excited, "Kim, that was perfect!"

My heart just about left my chest when I was told I was doing something beautiful, which I considered beyond me because I am not a stereotypical beautiful girl, perfectly.

I can diet all I want and use all of the acne medication I can find and in the end I would only be a skinny girl with clear skin. But with ballroom, I can feel beautiful regardless of my size or the clearness of my skin.

And I know, I should feel beautiful because God made me that way and He sees me that way, but ladies, I know you will understand, sometimes we just need to feel it.

Ballroom is my chance to escape the modern world, where woman are judged by what they wear, their shape and size, and yet are fighting to do all the things and be all the things that men are. Ballroom is my chance to go back to a world where the woman follows the man's lead, but is adored and treated as though she is adored. Where despite her size, shape, or ability to match the standard of beauty, she can be beautiful.

Motto

A little nonsence now and then,

is relished by the wisest men.

-Willy Wonka

Pleasure

So, I frequently go through periods of not liking dancing. I think for some reason, it has a bad stigma in my mind. Quite possibly because of how I got started. However, I went dancing tonight and I really love it. It is fun, provided you have a good partner.

I am not sure it is possible to feel more feminine than the way you feel while you are dancing the waltz, provided you dance it well. It is such a graceful and beautiful dance and you feel graceful and beautiful doing it. It looks like you are floating, or as a guy described it, like figure skating. It's fluid and amazing.

Aside from that, any Latin or form of swing is also a favorite. They are fun, active, and quick dances. They keep you constantly moving and constantly thinking. It's a lot of fun.

The partner completely changes the experience. Creepy old man who holds you too closely = bad experience. Young man who is just learning, but tries really hard = decent experiences. Dance instructor = Amazing experience. It is wonderful to dance with a man who knows what he is doing and can lead you into a variety of steps.

Ok, I think I am done on my dancing talk for now. It is just so much fun.

Wait

Wait has and always will be a major message of my life. Almost anytime I pray for something big, the answer I get is wait. No yes, no no, just wait. Almost enough to drive someone crazy. In my past, I hated to wait. I would kick and scream and beg God to give me a clear answer now, right now. And while I am still not a huge fan of waiting, especially when it comes to getting answers. (For those who may not know me very well, I DESPISE not knowing things. My curiosity drives me crazy. I love surprises as long as I am not told a surprise is coming. Once I know there is something for me to know, I need to know it NOW!) But for some reason, this time, when getting the wait signal and understanding that the waiting will be a long process, I am not disturbed. Yes, I would really like to know. I would like my future to be realized, but this time it is worth the wait. Most definitely, this time it is worth the wait.

SUCK

Rest assured everyone, I suck.

I again, missed a deadline. I was supposed to have emailed my lesson plan in by 8. I realized this at 8:15. So I busted my butt and turned it in by 9:10. Suck. I swear I am not going to get my license. I am so organized in some ways, but apparently not organized in other ways. This is so unlike me. I went through a period of this last year too. I work my tail off and no matter how hard I work, I still mess up. There was a lot of stuff going on then and there is a lot of stuff going on now. Maybe I just need to put the rest of my life on hold and concentrate on student teaching. Got that everybody? Nobody do anything that could possibly effect me in any way, negatively or positively, until I am done with student teaching. I just want to graduate.

I feel like
I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here
While I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
What’s the purpose
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it
Not in the least bit
And I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can’t
Do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look
My date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet
That regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once
I noticed
I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It’s my life
And my right
To use it like I should
Like he would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know

-More Than Useless, Relient K

Song

A friend called my attention to this song the other day....

It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now
All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cuz I don't wanna live another day without you now
This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
All I'm gonna have
Is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back
Everything I have in me
Cuz nothing ever felt as right
As this does right now
I'll go back to before we met
Can I erase the past
Try harder to forget cuz
Nothing will ever be as good as here and now
Cuz when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"
And this is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening
This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whoooaaa whooaa)
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
Always knew
I'd find someone
I never dreamt
It'd be like this
You've surpassed
All that I've hoped for (and ever wished)
And I'm tryin'
So hard
WIth all my heart and mind
To make your life
As good as you've made mine
This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whooaaa)
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
(The best thing) The best thing that could be happening
(The best thing) I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

-The Best Thing, Relient K

Mix

I am a mix of emotions tonight. Well not really. I am definitely only feeling one, but I wanted to write about how I was feeling earlier today. So God changed my perspective on student teaching. Helped me to see I should be working at it for Him and not for anyone else. He is the only one I should be seeking to please. Who cares if they don't think I am a good teacher? This is where I am at now. God has brought me to this place. I will work whole-heartedly and do the best I can, to bring him glory, until he finds somewhere else for me to be. The first half of today was rather fun. The second half was rather not fun. But oh well. At some point during the day, my mood snapped and now all I have to do is type this....

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real

Midnight

It is officially midnight, which means today is my first real day of student teaching. As I created my long range schedule I had mixed emotions. I feel like I will be taking over WAY too quickly and yet, there is SO much work to do in that amount of time. Overwhelming. But, I will make it. I have made it through every semester thus far, and this semester there are no exams! At least not any I have to take! So here is the beginning of my student teaching.

Yikes

Summer is almost over, I can hardly believe it. I have my first student teaching seminar on Wednesday. Although my assignment for it is already done, I am petrified to be starting. I know the sooner I start the sooner it is over, but wow, I could really keep doing this summer for a long time, like the rest of my life.

News

I heard two different bits of news today.

On flipped my future upside down and one flipped my past.

It's amazing how quickly your best laid plans can go asunder. My life was planned out at least until next summer. I had a good understanding of where I was going and what was going to happen. I had already looked ahead to see any challenges which would likely be headed my way. I was ready for my planned struggles. Well, I think God doesn't like it when I plan. So the first bit of news turned my world upside down. I will not go into detail on this one.

The second bit of news revealed truth of my past. Presenting an even greater "woulda, shoulda, coulda" into my life. I was provided with a story from a friend about a person who played a major role in my high school and beginning college years. The story I heard was about hazing, perhaps the worst account I have ever heard. I was then informed that this major role person had a major role in the hazing. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Perhaps I would have enjoyed high school more. Perhaps I would have had more friends. Perhaps I would not have neglected my true friends. It seems such a waste now. I know God did huge things in me, but I am disgusted that I was so deeply involved in the manipulation and illusion that I couldn't see the monster before me.

But through both of these bits of news, God keeps whispering to me, "I am faithful". I know he will provide for all I/We need in the future and He certainly has healed me from my past wounds. Regardless of our will, God's will is what counts. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. We can trust in him to do what is best for us, whether we believe it is best or not.

Alone

Ever been completely surrounded by people and felt totally and completely alone?

I got a phone call today. In the time when I was on the phone, I felt so cared about and understood. Amy knows me, and wants to know how I am doing, really doing. She digs deep and won't let me get away with surface level answers. I love that. I have gotten used to this with her and I no longer attempt to give those kinds of answers to her. As I was on the phone, I realized how much I will miss my life on campus. I miss those coffee shop conversations. I miss emergency Amy meals. I miss people knowing me well enough that they don't let me not open up. They force me to tell them what I am thinking and actually care about my thoughts. Beyond that, they provide godly and biblical input on my thoughts and feeling. As soon as I finished the phone call, I felt totally and completely alone again. Scary feeling.

In listening to some music tonight on the ride to the hotel, I couldn't stop the tears.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”

-Praise You In This Storm -Casting Crowns

I throw up my hands.
"Oh, the impossibilities."
Frustrated and tired,
where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
Gather my inefficiencies and place them in your hands.

-For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K

Sorry, rambled thoughts from an extremely emotionally raw girl....

Michigan

Amazing, as always.



Up late, really late every night. We're talking 3 or 4 AM.

Frisbee on the beach at night with a light-up disc.

Praying on the waters edge at night.

Swimming past the sand bar and praying (dependent on God to keep me afloat).

Tate saying to me, "you're going down Kimi Gibbler".

Cracking jokes with Allyson.

Watching random u-tube videos.

Listening to Jack sing "All in All" in the car.

Henna tattoos.

Looking at a beautiful garden in Saugatuk.

Spending time with some of my best friends.

Having Tate and Lucy not only remember a game I played with them four weeks ago, but remember the song I sang during the game, and sing along with me.

Seeing baby Liam smile when I walk into a room.

Watching Pirates of the Caribbean on a huge blow up mattress with four of us piled on top and one behind on the couch.

Being understood and loved without any need for speech.

Listening to Ben preach.

Sweet job.

View

The view from where I sit:

A one year old, holding a rather large foam pirate sword and a tennis ball.
A large black dog watching the ball.

The one year old throws the ball (about a foot). It is retrieved by the big black dog and taken to a different location away from the one year old. The one year old follows and proceeds to hit the dog on the head with the foam pirate sword (hard), until the big black dog relinquishes the tennis ball.

The story ends with the big black dog taking the tennis ball into the big black chair and sitting on it. With the child sitting in front of the dog repeating "ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba" for the following three minutes...

Yup, I love to spend my summers this way.

Thoughts

I do not want to do anything out of God's will.

That said, waiting for and deciphering God's will is really difficult sometimes.

I firmly believe that God gives me a flat out kick in the butt sometimes to assure me of and turn me back to his will for my life. I also believe that God often whispers His will or even waits to reveal it to me until he is sure I will not accept anything that is not of His will.

I have two problems with that. One, I suck at listening for the still small voice. My life is too loud, my own thoughts are too loud, and I just can't seem to focus on that quiet voice. Two, I really want to follow God's will, but sometimes I like to think that just because I will it, must mean God wills it too. Not the case. Ecc 5:7 So I am not a patient waiter so I impose my own will and call it God's, instead of waiting to be sure of what comes from Him.

I am thankful for friends who kick me in the butt (Dawn) when they see I am following my own will and not God's. I believe He placed people like that in my life to quiet my heart and mind so I can listen and wait. All in all, it comes down to what Carrie has always said to me, "Be still."

So, here I sit, being still and waiting for God to give me some direction. Not even a toe of movement in any direction until God shows me His will for my life. I simply cannot trust my heart. Jer 17:9

Cory

I must say I cannot wait until December. When Kevin, Cory, and I can once again be united. Cory really is the key to the random fun times. Kevin and I can be fun and random at times, but we are not match for Cory. Throw him into the mix and it is bound to be a good time.

Assortment

I don't really have any one thing worthy of a post, but I have several bits of stuff.

Tate: While in Michigan watching the Liskey kids, I got to be a favorite of the two youngest boys. I assure you that has all changed again and neither really want anything to do with me when mom or dad is around. Anyway, I did not get a great deal of sleep while I was there, all kids were sick and some where home sick. Alright enough background information. Tate was sleeping so I headed into our room to nap while he was asleep. I walked in and he was staring at me. (poop). I smiled at him, told him I wasn't feeling well so I was going to come in and lay down. I asked him if he was ready to get up and he said no. So I went to the bathroom. I came back in and saw him scooting in his bed. I thought it was odd, because all the Liskey kids like to sleep in the middle of the bed, but headed for my bunk. He then said I scooted over for you. I stared at him and contemplated telling him I wanted to lay in my own bed. But then he patted the pillow for me to lay on and gave me the sweetest smile. How could I not. So I climbed into bed with him. Now my head still felt like exploding, but so did my heart. There is nothing better than the love of a child.

Cory: I am really really really excited to see my brother and to go on a brother/sister date and get a clenilla steamer.

PT: I went and talked to PT the other day. PT being Pastor Tim. He is an amazing man. He is so incredibly biblically based and so wise. I am so glad mom and I switched to this church. It feeds me and is refreshing each week.

Calli: My puppy is huge. She doubled in size while I was in Michigan. She still is small. But seems so much bigger now. She is full of energy and is having the puppy life she should have had. She is still sick, but I hope someday soon she will be worm free.

Friends

For the past week and a half I have felt rather alone. I never thought I was one who depended so deeply on contact with my friends, but I do. I have been basically out of contact with all of my friends from Purdue for the whole summer. Carrie has been gone on a mission trip. While Ben has been around after work, I haven't really been able to talk to him much.

Carrie is my heart. When I am struggling to put something into perspective she provides usually one sentence which is just what I need to hear to show me the truth. She gives me energy and joy. I adore her. I can go to her house feeling completely exhausted, destroyed, and overcome and leave with a smile on my face and laughing at some comment. She provides me with a glimpse of Christ's unconditional love. Through stupid times of neglecting our friendship and letting a bad relationship take precedence, she was still there loving me and welcomed me back once I regained my senses. She has invested in my life greatly and shown me the love of God and has shown me how to follow and make my relationship with Christ my own. I can't imagine my life without Carrie as a part of it.

Dawn, my dear roommate, made a wonderful effort to try to see me on Tuesday. It turned out miserably, but it was great to have someone to make such an effort for me. Dawn has shown me incredible love. She regularly would search her quiet time to come up with some name to call me. Such as, My wonderful roommate who has been endowed with the splendor. She was there when I didn't believe in love and she encouraged me and cried for me and stood by me. She watched and helped me to overcome my bitterness. She has challenged me in my faith and been a wonderful example. She calls me out when I am being stupid. She is blunt. She thinks this is a bad thing, but it is sometimes the only way to get through to me.

I find that my life just feels empty without being able to talk to these two. God has blessed me greatly to have these two wonderful women in my life. But, it is very hard to go without them.

Radio

So Cory told me once that the reason why so few people comment on my blog as compared to his is because I don't have any fun or light stories, mine are all to heavy. I took that to heart and have been trying to come up with some fun stories... but I don't really have any, at least not that are appropriate for grandparents to read. The kids I watch say funny funny things.

Anyway, so here is another not so light post, but it is happy.

I was driving home yesterday after a long day at the Liskey house. Ben had played his guitar. I had gotten to play with Lucy. That never happens. I had a good meal. So I was driving and a song came on the radio that I have always liked. And I am not going to explain the rest of the song, but the lyrics that struck me yesterday were,

"She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes"

So anyway a thought struck me after singing that set of lyrics. I am in a good mood. I am happy. Now I am not a big fan of the word happy (it's temporal, I prefer joy, seems longer lasting, but that is the thought quote). This was kind of a odd discovery. I have been fine for a long time. But I wouldn't say that I have been in a good mood for several years. I certainly wouldn't say that I felt joyful for a really long time.

There is much that is not so great in my life now. Like the mysterious stabbing pain that has plagued the lower left side of my back for several days now, and exhaustion from late nights with a good, but very small bladder-ed dog. But I am happy. I feel freer that I have felt in a long time. I don't really know how to explain. God has opened my eyes and I see that there is joy.

More song lyrics, because they consume my free time....

"And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive"

Baby

I have a new baby for those of you that didn't know. Her name is Callista (Callie). She is a tiny one or two pound Chihuahua. She is cute, but the training stuff is not so easy. She is really smart, but is so young. Here she is.

Martyr

Last summer I discovered Ted Dekker when I started reading THR3E. It is an amazing psychological thriller, which I must say are my favorite types of fiction. When I heard there was a new book by Dekker coming out that they compared to THR3E, I was really excited. So I promptly headed to my local library to pick it up while I had a chance to sit and read for a few days. Much to my chagrin, it hadn't come into the library yet. So I put my name on the top of the wait list and headed to pick out some other Dekker books.

I started reading The Martyr's Song yesterday and finished it just a few minutes ago. It is only 113 pages, but it packs a punch. Throughout the text it describes a priest going back and forth between a heaven-like world and the earthly world. While in this heavenly world, Dekker describes a song which is sung in this world. He writes some of the lyrics in the text. I knew when I picked up the book there was a CD in the back. I could hardly wait to finish the book so I could listen to the song they had created. I highly recommend this book. It is a quick read and the song makes it totally worth it.

The Martyr's Song

-By Todd Agnew

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colors you’ve never seen.

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you never dreamed

That’s always been in you.

And I’ve been waiting...

To see you tremble as you’re embraced

By a world saturated with My love.

And I’ve been waiting for The Day

When at last I get to say, “My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind, for you are finally home!

I’ve been waiting to watch you realize what all your longing was for.

I’ve been waiting to show you the thread of grace

that ran through all your pain. And I’ve been waiting...

to let you drink the water of which your greatest joy on earth

Was just a taste.

I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say,“My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

Sing! O daughter of Zion. Cry out! O child of mine!

Dance with all the strength that you can find...for you are finally home!

Every tear you cried dried in the palm of My hand.

Every lonely hour was by my side.

And every loved one lost, every river crossed—

Every moment, every hour was pointing to This Day...

I’ve been longing for This day!

I’ve been waiting to dance with you in fields full of colors you’ve never seen.

And I’ve been waiting to show you beauty you never dreamed

That’s always been in you. And I’ve been waiting...

To see you tremble as you’re embraced

By a world saturated with My love.

And I’ve been waiting for The Day

When at last I get to say, “My child, you are finally home.”

Sing! O son of Zion! Shout! O child of mine!

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind!

Sing! O daughter of Zion. Cry out! O child of mine!

Dance with all the strength that you can find...

for you are finally home!...

for you are finally home!

Camp

I am not sure I could even begin to start describing camp this year. It was without a doubt the single most difficult week I have ever had with these children. I was beyond exhausted and ready to quit.

However, two days later with a little rest and a great deal of hindsight. I have developed an even greated passion for these children. My life, must, in some way, be spent giving these children a hope and a future. I was to be Jesus to these kids.

I want them to be more than a file folder amongst 30,oo0 files. I want each of these children to understand that they are loved and that someone, even if I am the only one, is looking out for them, loves them, and can be trusted. I will help B******s and D******s of the world. And with God's grace and power, these children will be shown the love they deserve and have an opportunity to meet their ultimate father, who loves them unconditionally.

I may post with some more information about camp if asked for it. But I just wanted to share the excitement I have again.

Idiocy

I relapsed into stupidity. I hate when I slip back into an old idiotic personality. Then I am left with the damage I have caused and the disappointment I feel in myself when I behave poorly.

Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

-Who I am hates who I've been, Relient K

And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I'll stare at you in disbelief
Oh inconsistent me! ...
crying out for consistency

-Let it all out, Relient K

Never

I never realized how much I was craving a little bit of time just hanging out with friends.

Carrie and I went to a softball game tonight. It was great. Aside from being petrified anytime the ball was hit or the bat was thrown I really enjoyed the game. Several boys from my high school youth group was there. It was really entertaining to revisit some old memories. Several of them contained our crazy antics and Carrie's frustration. Like beating Brad with a plastic blow-up hammer when he was screwing around too much. Or cramming the entire 20 foot sanctuary Christmas tree into one box. Or never letting Carrie live down the "Christmas Party" which actually was taking down the Christmas decorations in the church. Or really creepy people who seemed to follow us wherever we decided to mission trip. Like the large woman who slept entirely in the nude or the creepy man who liked to hug me and touch me a little too much.

We cheered on the Methodist Church team and laughed at each other. Carrie and one of my best friends from high school and his little brother went for some fast food and returned to the field and looked at the stars. It has been a long time since I have been able to have uninterrupted hang-out time with Carrie. I missed it a lot. She is so fun. All around it was a great night. Responsibility free and acting my own age. Delightful! It was great to be surrounded by friends.

Today

• A very newly married friend of mine commented on a picture I was in. Reminding me how blessed I am to know her and to have had her share her life with me during my college years.
• I had a very severe heart attack, as the oldest of the children in my crawled into the house crying uncontrollable. He had fallen off the tree he was swinging on and his rib hurt really bad. He has asthma and I couldn't get him to calm down enough to slow his breathing. Very intense several minutes. He is OK, thankfully, but I certainly have aged quite a bit.
• I bought a gadget. I love gadgets. I bought a speaker set for my iPod. It is also an alarm clock and a radio, with remote! I really love all things electronic!
• I woke up at 12:30 today. That was amazing. I slept over 12 hours, I guess I really was tired. I felt about 1000 times better today due to the sleep.
• The third child in my charge sat in my lap for about an hour and played with my hair. I love it when he does this. He went from really disliking me last year to really liking me. It gives me such joy. He even told me he liked my glasses and asked me to put them on when I took them off when I had finished writing.
• I watched a little bit of Star Wars and actually paid attention. I have never been too interested in these movies, but when it is being explained by a three year old, it takes on a totally different light.
• I have rediscovered Care Bears. I have watched the same two tapes four times in the last three days. I love them. I think I would like to have a "Care Bear Stare"
• I am still unable to get an application for myself for Royal Family. I am actually beginning to fear that I may not be able to go. I would break my promise to one of the girls and I can't handle that.
• I rectified my recent crappiness today. I apologised and worked hard to make sure that I was more pleasant and less harsh with everyone. Seems to be going well. Maybe sleep and wellness aid that effort.
• I worked a little bit more transferring the TMS cards onto 3x5 note cards so I can read them better, but I have yet to have worked on my contact book. Maybe sometime I will get to that.

Michigan

I wake up this morning. I come into the main room. The first thing I do is sit and stare out the window at the vast lake before me. There are just starting to be waves for the first time since I arrived on Friday. It is cloudy, but supposed to clear up by this afternoon.

I report all this rather matter-of-factly, but truly I am amazed. I can't believe I am here. It's an amazing house with an amazing bed that I am allowed to sleep in. I love the kids and enjoy being around them so much. I can't fathom how I have ended up so blessed as to be here right now.

Dawn

My dear roommate and friend always seems to know just what to say. I don't even know what I need to hear but she does.

She is an amazing encourager when it comes to my head. Many a time I have talked to her in depth about the fears I have or the discouraging things I have been told. I will give you just two examples.

1. I went to a new neurologist. He was rude and not helpful at all. His solution was to buy me a helmet with foam balls on sicks attached to it, so that I wouldn't be able to hit my head on anything. This made me ridiculously mad. I don't need to waste my time visiting a doctor when that is his best idea. He then laughs about his suggestion. He says I just plain don't know what to do with you. I have never heard of this before. Maybe we will have to come up with some new forms of therapy for you. I am beyond angry at this point, because it is really not helpful to have a doctor tell you, that you indeed at the freak you have believed you have been. --------- Dawn's response in a text message when I told her about the jerk. "You should just throw up on his shiny shoes". The perfect mixture of humor and truth. She understands that my headaches and concussions cause nausea and she made a crack about his obvious arrogance. Perfectly what I needed.
2. In response to an email I sent out to the people from the one week trip I attended which included the previous post. Dawn explained that she understood my fears about the non-Christian counseling and offered a positive out of that situation. Then in several meaningful statements she said she believed me. I didn't realize how much that meant to me to have someone on my side. To say that they knew me well enough to confidently say that they believe that I wouldn't hurt myself consciously or subconsciously. Apparently, all I needed was for someone to place their trust in me.

Thanks Dawn. For being such an amazing friend for all these years. And knowing just how to communicate with me. I love you.

Sovereignty

My neurologist has declared it impossible for me to have 18 random and accidental concussions.

He believes I am intentionally hitting my head.

He is therefore sending me to counseling (purposely, non-faith based) to see if he can dig up some deeply hidden secrets from my past that makes me want to hit my head. I was really struggling today with the idea of God's sovereignty because of that appointment.

My mom doesn't believe that suffering is part of God's original plan but she does believe that he can use it for good. In trying to comfort me from being really angry that my Doc thinks I am a masochist, my mother kept reaffirming that thought.

Therefore, I was really struggling with seeking what I believed to be the truth. All I wanted to do was to settle down with a Bible and God and hash this out. God was really faithful in providing me with just what I needed. The person I nanny for was around all day and we discussed the Truth. Then as I got off work, I turned to Romans 8:28 and was still needing more. In a desperate moment for passages that would discuss God's sovereignty, I turned to Google. I typed in verses about God's Sovereignty. The first link was a sermon on exactly what I was dealing with. It led to be passage (Like Joseph and Jesus) which showed me that pain is part of the plan.

I am so delighted at God's provision despite a really nasty day.

The Sermon

Sunday

What are you doing with your day?

• Are you using this Sunday to serve and comfort others?
• Are you using this Sunday to draw closer to Almighty God?
• Are you using this Sunday to spend time in His word?
• Are you using this Sunday to talk to your Savior and thanking him for sacrificing so you may have salvation if you believe?
• Are you using this Sunday to spread the message of the Gospel of Christ?
• Are you using this Sunday to listen to the wisdom of God and find out if there is any offensive way in you?

What do you use your day of rest for?

Do you use it selfishly all for your own gain?

Or do you use it to further the Kingdom of God?

Who is getting your best, you or God?

Does your life have a lasting purpose or is it all for earthly gain?

Just some questions to think about while sitting on your Sunday.

Victory

Victory is mine! I finished my online class. Just turned them in! Hooray! Now, I can finally read or pleasure and learn to play my guitar!

Joy

So another post for the day....

I was sitting on the couch, avoiding packing, and I began thinking about Relient K and how much I enjoy their music.

I know they have been touring with secular music groups, and I was afraid that like most Christian bands who are presented with a massive increase in pay, they would sacrifice the lyrics for the money.

So, I went to my favorite lyrics page to look at some of the old lyrics and saw their new CD's was out. I checked out the lyrics. Most of the tracks were rather ambiguous, but then again, a great deal of their music has been in the past. However, I was delightfully surprised with the last song called Deathbed. It is the most outright I have ever heard them. I can't wait to get this CD now and listen to the rest of it!

Deathbed

By; Relient K

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
The year was nineteen forty one
I was eight years old and
Far far too young
To know that the stories
Of battles and glory
Was a tale a kind mother
Made up for her son
You see
Dad was a traveling preacher
Teaching the words of the Teacher
My mother left mourning
Went off to the war
And died there with honor
Somewhere on a beach there
But he left once to never return
Which taught me that I should unlearn
Whatever I thought a father should be
I abandoned that thought
Like he abandoned me
By forty seven I was fourteen
I'd acquired a taste for liquor and nicotine
I smoked until I threw up
Yet I still lit 'em up for thirty more years
Like a machine
So right there you have it
That one filthy habit
Is what got me where I am today
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
I got married on my twenty first
Eight months before my wife would give birth
It's easier to be sure you love someone
When her father inquires with the barrel of a gun
The union was far from harmonious
No two people could have been more alone than us
The years would go by and she'd love someone else
And I realized I hadn't been loved yet myself
And there's your typical spiel
Yeah if life was a highway
I was drunk at the wheel
I was seeing the loose ends
All fall apart
Yeah I swear I was destined to fail
And fail from the start
I bowled about six times a week
The bottle of Beam kept the memories from me
The marriage had taken a seven-ten split
Along with my pride the ex-wife took the kids
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
I was so scared of Jesus
But He sought me out
Like the cancer in my lungs
That's killing me now
And I've given up hope
On the days I have left
But I cling to the hope
Of my life in the next
Then Jesus showed up
Said "Before we go"
"I thought that we might reminisce"
"See one night in your life"
"When you turned out the light"
"You asked for and prayed for my forgiveness"
You cried wolf
The tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite
You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear You whisper to me,
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"
But this was my deathbed
I died there alone
When I closed my eyes tonight
You carried me home
[Jon Foreman of Switchfoot sings, as the voice of Jesus:]
I am the Way
Follow Me
And take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Light
And for Me you'll live again
For I am Love
I am Love
I, I am Love

Reflection

Last night was amazingly fun and heart-breaking all at the same time.

Yesterday started with Super Brunch. It would be too long to explain the process of brunch growing throughout the semester, so suffice it to say, brunch is a lot of Navs getting together and fellowshiping over breakfast food.

Then we had the junior jams invaded cook-out. My class eats together every Wednesday. We decided to have a cook-out and it was invaded... big time... So we have about 30 people just below my apartment cooking out, chatting, playing sports, playing my guitar, and various other activities. It was during this event I began to have a realization.

Next we head to date night with Amy Redman., The girls that I have grown up with in college decided to meet together and insist that Amy comes for our last time all together. This basically cemented the deal.

So late last night, after talking with my roommate for an exceptionally long time, I realized yesterday was the last time I will ever see about 95 percent of those people. I tried to look around, I tried to absorb it all and enjoy every moment. But at some point, you realize. This is the end.

Leaving Purdue is very bitter-sweet. I use that word because I have heard Travis say it and enormous amount of time in the past few weeks. I am so ready for summer. I am ready to live by the Liskeys and be able to see them frequently. I am ready to live at home and take whatever stress that will undoubtedly bring from being a divorced kid. I am ready to not ever, ever, ever, have to take another exam. I am ready to start real life and experience whatever God has for me in that. But some part of me still feels like I will return here in the fall. I am not ready to leave my Navigator girls. I am not ready to eventually lose contact with most of these people because that is just a sad effect of real life. I am not ready to lose this comfort zone of being surrounded by Christians who spur me on at every turn and every event in my life. I am not ready to give up the randomness of college life. I am not ready to lose my group of girl's from last years study.

All these emotions came to a head last night. I am not a crier. I am not a very emotional person. But I am waiting for this realization of "the last time" to hit.

Sorry, this is sort of a bummer post, but that is where I am at right now.

Finals

This is my last finals week ever. Tomorrow/Today, I have two finals back to back. Friday, I have an evening final. I have four online class assignments to finish and an essay to write about The Cold War. All this in a mere five days.

CRAP

I am so ready for this semester to be over. Once again I have failed. I have stuck it out this whole year with this stupid history class with a prof who likes to watch pornos in class. I have gone every day and I have worked my tail off to be ready for his stupid exams. Today they were giving out the essays for the take home final exam. I was up way late working on homework and reading for my online class. I woke up at 9:45 for my 9:00 power hour. Which for you non-college people means it ends at 10:15. I haul my tail to class and get there at 10:14, only to find the room totally empty. I am now in a fury. I call my roommate ask her for the office hours and location. Apparently, we like to think that the office hours are in the big lecture hall. I don't think so. So I call my roommate back again to get the email address of my TA, so I can send her an email begging and pleading and pointing out my normal responsibility and great attendance. Which brings us to right now. I am sitting in a lab awaiting her response and doing whatever I can to fill up the time and prevent my from absolutely freaking out in front of about 40 people who currently occupy this room.

I will let you know the outcome as soon as I find out as well.


UPDATE: Thanks to my very refined begging skills and the kindness shown by some random person who I stalked on facebook. Both one of the TA's and the girl I contacted on facebook, sent me the essay questions. :) Its amazing how you don't realize how stressed you are until its over. I literally started crying and realized I had been tensing my back for about six hours. So now I am very calm, sore, and looking forward to babysitting this evening.

Counting

In case you are playing along at home....
I have 5 more days of classes....
I have 14 more days until I can no longer call West Lafayette a place of residence...

Eight

Eight days of classes left in my on-campus college career!

Coleman

He is everywhere. Everywhere I eat and on Every bus I ride. Apparently, it is not just me who has had strange occurrence with this crazy boy. He has apparently harassed many of the Navigator woman. I saw him today at lunch. I didn't realize I was walking right next to him. He looked at me and smiled. Now to anyone who had not had an experience with Coleman and then heard about four other creepy stories about his conversations with women, would not have been weirded out. Unfortunately, I know too much about him. I think I need to go into hiding to avoid him for a while... Fortunately there were two Navigator boys near by who I could have called upon if put in an awkward situation.

It occurs to me that some of you may not know to whom I am referring..... I have my own story which I believe I blogged about earlier in the year, since then I have heard many more stories. For a refresher, check out October 23, 2006.

Computer

My laptop seems to be pulling through. It hasn't crashed for several days. Good news.

Now that my laptop is making it to the end of the semester, all I have to do is stay healthy enough to finish.

Technology

My computer is on the fritz..... Who knows..... My friend Ryan was incredibly helpful in bringing my computer back from the dead, not once but twice, but now he is out of ideas.... At one point he said my computer was possessed.... Not a good sign.... So, I am waiting, holding my breath and hoping my computer stays on until tomorrow!

Have no fear, Ryan helped me to get everything important off my computer, including my Disney pictures which I was seriously sobbing about when thinking about losing them forever.

Today, Ryan is my hero and my favorite person!

Time

Time.... Always need more time....

Five

This was Day 5 at Epcot! Part Two.

My favorite characters at Disney World!

Beauty and the Beast
This is Javier. Mom was taking a picture with me and he jumped in. But then he chickened out. Mom caught him posing. He was shocked we actually took the picture. I promised him it would end up on my blog.
The Genie of the Lamp!
Supercalifragilisticespialidocious!
Morocco in Epcot!
Sign on the building in Morocco in Epcot
The Fez House!
Mom and I sitting on a tiled fountain. It reminded us of pictures we have seen from Cory.
Sitting in a Moroccan store.
Sitting on a fountain in the Moroccan area.

A picture I took in Italy.

I thought Kevin might like this picture.
Japan
Mexico
Finland? I think. I would be easier if I had the maps.
O'Canada! This reminds me of O'Kimberly

My first Ice Cream Mickey Bar
Mom's Poncho. All of Epcot looked like this by the end of the night.
Me and Dopey.

Or mom liked to say Dopey and Dopey
Me in Germany. We took this picture for Grandma and Grandpa Driver
I am across the lake from the Epcot ball. This like is what the night show takes place on. Fireworks, a glowing globe, and fire. Maybe it Kevin knows how I will post some videos that I took.