Showcase

So, it has been a long time coming. I apologise. I had some technical difficulties with the video camera. For those of you who could not attend the showcase. Here are the video clips of me dancing in order of their occurrence. Please do not post these anywhere else, as I do not really want anyone who doesn't know me to see them. I will also be deleting them shortly off of the website that is hosting them. So I would suggest saving it to your computer or I can try to make you a copy of the video, but the DVD transfer is not going well. Thanks.

First Up:

Advanced American Style Waltz Freestyle

(Freestyle implies that there are multiple couples on the floor and that the dance is not choreographed. It is strictly lead and follow. No pre-established plans.)

This is in night vision. Mom couldn't figure out how to turn it off. And therefore I look enormous. Oh well.

Waltz

Second Up:

Advanced American Style Tango Freestyle

This is in night vision. Mom couldn't figure out how to turn it off. And therefore I look enormous. Oh well.

Tango

Third Up:

Dancing with James. General Dancing. The only non-showpiece I got to do all night. Hustle

Fourth Up:

American Style Bolero Solo

(Solo implies just one couple on the floor and the routine is choreographed and rehearsed. Bolero is only an American style dance and one of the most romantic of the rhythm dances.)

This one is a large disappointment to me because Tim forgot the ending the routine and could not recover. I was so bummed. I had done a perfect routine up until that portion.

Bolero

Fifth Up:

American Style Cha Cha Freestyle

This dress was a lot of exposure for me, so I held back quite a bit on this dance for fear a wardrobe malfunction.

Cha Cha

Sixth Up:

American Style East Coast Swing Freestyle

Same dress problem. Held back a lot of my normal swing attitude.

Swing

Seventh Up:

Formation

(These are a variety of warm-up routines which Ray Rivers has taught us. The first portion is a samba. The second a rumba. The third a cha cha. This was the cha cha that I had demonstrated for Ray a few months back.)

I must say I am very proud of my cuban motion in this one. (Cuban Motion refers to hip movement)

Formation

That in a nutshell is the showcase. I am now starting to focus on the next event. Which is hopefully The Indiana Challenge at the end of February. It is at the Radisson in Merrillville. However it is going to be a really really tight squeeze money wise. I need about $1,000.00 alone to do the competition. That does not include the cost of lessons to prep for it. So if there was any doubt about what I would like for Christmas or my birthday, all I want is to be able to do the Competition. Any and all donations towards the goal are greatly appreciated!

Exhausted

Yeah, I'm pretty much feelin' like this kid.

Waiting

I feel as though I am waiting for my life to begin. Waiting has often been a common theme in my life. I am working towards the things I want in my life and I am working hard to make it happen. I have taken on a second job to make enough money to continue to learn enough about dance so I can teach someday. I will soon be keeping crazy hours to make sure I can get the money I need, dance, and still be able to spend time with my favorite children in the world. Just FYI, please do not call me before 2PM on Saturdays as this will be my day to catch up on sleep.



So what am I waiting for?



To be "discovered" and asked to teach.

To earn enough money so that I don't have a panic attack every other week.

To perform in my showcase and competition and be able to pay for both events.

To find someone who loves me. Yes, yes, singleness freak-out. But, I spend 90% of my time with people who are older than me and already in the married stage of their lives and I find myself over eager to be "in love".

So, as I have been wasting time looking for comics to match the thoughts, it occurred to me, I am comparing myself to others. The people who I graduated with are either, still in school and thus haven't started "The Real World", or are getting married, or have started their dream career that their schooling prepared them for. I don't fit in any of those scenarios. I guess I am one of those modern kids, who is looking for something beyond ok or normal. I want a job that I absolutely love to do. I want to wake up and be excited to go to work. The job at the church is great, and I do find satisfaction in it, but it isn't the "perfect" job for me. I am not willing to settle on somebody who is less than what God has for me for a mate. I believe God has someone who he created just for me. So, here I am waiting for my life to begin. Trusting that God, who created me with the passions and talents that I have, will bring about an abundant life for me. In the mean time, I do the best I can, to serve, love, live, and be the best I can.

Busy

The past several weeks have been crazy.

I drove into Chicago for the first time in my life on the 19th. I must say, I will always prefer to ride than drive, but at least I know I can do it. The Harvest Moon Ball Competition was that Saturday. I went with a friend of mine. It was a interesting weekend. The professional show was unlike anything I had ever seen. They were the World Latin Showdance Champions. I realize that doesn't mean much to most people, but suffice it to say, they were incredible. I drove home early Sunday morning on only about 2 hours of sleep to get to work at the church. Then went on a hay ride with twenty people as a children's ministry outing. Shortly there after, I crashed for a solid 16 hours.

On the 20th, I realized one of my tires was losing air fast. Mom followed me to a tire place where I was told that my tire was too bald to fix and I would have to have a new one. Bummer. I then asked if all of my tires (besides the one I had fixed at the beginning of the summer) were in the same condition. I was told that they were and that the other two would need to be fixed before winter. This was a scary reality. I consider myself to be paying for college right now while working a full time job. I am paying to learn to dance so I can eventually get a job dancing, so it is similar to paying for college and just about as expensive. So with the showcase coming up, and the competition just around the corner, I was really bummed out. At staff meeting on Thursday, they were asking for prayer requests and I explained my situation. Low and behold, the next day I am told that a good friend of mine pulled some strings that he had and found me an incredible deal for the two tires I needed. I didn't ask him to do this for me. I wouldn't have asked him to do this for me. I was raised to be self-sufficient and that's what I am. But because he has a servant's heart, he found a way to help me out. I am so grateful. So my tires got fixed just before it started icing this weekend.

On Sunday, the 26th, I taught dance for the first time. It was incredible. A local church called me up and asked if I would teach for 6 to 8 weeks on a volunteer basis. I figured it was a step in the right direction to becoming a paid professional. As it turns out, there were several times while I was teaching, that I had an out of body experience, and realized that I was incredibly happy. I was smiling and laughing and enjoying myself. I got excited when the kids understood what I was teaching and was able to duplicate it (something that never occurred while i was student teaching). It was definitely a confirmation for me that I need to teach dance. I can't wait to teach dance. I will do whatever I have to do scrimping and saving in order to continue my training so I can do it.

I am training with Tim for the past several weeks for my showcase on December 7th. We are dancing a Bolero, which is a slow (requiring great control) rhythm dance. I am hopeful he will have a least half of the routine worked out by this Friday so we can start working on nit-picking instead of experimenting with what could work. For those of you who might like to attend, Tickets are on sale now. If you get them before the 14th, they are $25. If you get them after, it is $30. The ticket deadline is the 28th.

Sometimes dance is the best kind of therapy for me. I could not imagine a better line up than Tango last night and Paso Doble tonight. Here are some quotes I found online about each dance.

Tango

• When you embrace your partner do so gently, tenderly, as you would an infant. Or do it roughly - if you and s/he trust each other and have the skill to suggest violent passion, forcefulness that is just the right side of pain rather than being actual pain, actual damage.
• The body is closer, more intimate than in any other dance form. And yet the 2 legs move faster and with more deadly accuracy than in any other comparable dance. It is this combination of sensual, meditative, relaxed contact in the upper body and swift, almost martial arts-like repartee in the lower body that gives the tango its unique identity.
• A good tango dancer is someone who has rhythm and who has a good musical ear. He also has respect for the woman; to know what to do at the right time with the right partner. He adapts himself to the woman. He makes her feel that she is the best dancer. He dances for her.
• The forms of tango are like stages of a marriage. The American tango is like the beginning of a love affair, when you're both very romantic and on your best behavior. The Argentine tango is when you're in the heat of things and all kinds of emotions are flying: passion, anger, humor. The International tango is like the end of the marriage, when you're staying together for the sake of the children.
• Tango Showdance

Paso Doble

• It is full of energy, strict and powerful. With his haughty, bold pride the dancer expresses his superiority like a Torero. He convincingly transfers this solemn appeal to the audience. The woman, on the other hand, generates a self-confident distance to him, without surrendering to the power of the master. She is the literal image of the “Capa”; the red cloth that the Torero uses to keep the bull under control, and is, like this, lithe, agile and elegant.
• This dance teaches discipline and gives the couple rather little artistic freedom. It requires a lot of practice on the other hand, and should be taught regularly and early in the dancer’s career because it demands a lot of expressiveness and musicality. Furthermore it is very exhausting and requires the use of every single muscle. In the closed pose the dancers have continuous body contact from chest to thigh. This leads to the touching hands being held much higher than in all the other competition dances. In the promenade position the body contact is released and the Paso Doble danced with great distance.
• Beata & Michael Wentink

Denial

Do you ever have days when you think "This is not my life"? Sometimes this can be an amazing thing. I experienced a positive version of this in February at the Indiana Challenge Ballroom Competition. I had joined the world of glitter and glam and high society and found myself thinking, "This is not my life." I couldn't figure out how I had gone from babysitting in sweatpants to wearing a ballgown and watching professional ballroom dancers. It was a great realization.

However, lately, my life has taken a jump on the other side. I work pretty hard to keep the drama levels in my life down to a dull roar. This does not mean that I don't like to be dramatic. (I love to tell stories in a dramatic way and sometimes I like to be a bit of a diva). But I try to keep actual drama down and I don't usually associate with people who have a great deal of real drama in their lives. Again, I don't mind it if they like to hype of their dull life like I do, but the presence of real drama makes me want to run.

I have two new friends who have brought with them a storm of real drama. It was a subtle slow beginning or I would have likely fled. But I find myself in the exact middle of several scandalous situations and I find myself thinking, "This is not my life." I work hard to preserve my drama free world. I keep my emotions at bay 95 percent of the time, and yet, here I am stuck in the middle of two friends. How did I get here. How can I get out of the middle? It's odd to me that this drama has now consumed 85 percent of my time and I really have nothing to do with it other than being the mutual friend. Odd.

Sorry, just needed to rant. Feeling quite exhausted and overwhelmed and headed into a sure to be drama filled weekend.

Dirty

I went to see Dirty Dancing: The Musical yesterday in Chicago with a friend of mine from the studio. It was the Premiere in the United States, first showing. It was a fantastic show. I have been a huge fan of the movie since I was a kid and now with my dancing background I was super curious about how they would put that on stage.

The set was phenomenal and the scene changes were amazing and efficient. The dancing was great, the music was great, Baby looked almost exactly like Jennifer Grey, but Johnny was a bit of a let down (but who wouldn't be after Patrick Swayze). The dance scene at the end was amazing and I was truly fighting back the urge to get up and dance. The crowd burst into applause during the two major lines (i carried a watermelon and nobody puts baby in the corner). I would highly recommend it to anyone who is a fan of the movie.

I have had a rough two weeks and it was a nice, out of the ordinary, upscale day for me. The tickets were gifted to Chris and I, by another dance person, so that was nice. They were way too expensive for me to have been able to attend otherwise. I didn't have to drive into the city like I was planning, and I learned a little bit how to drive a stick shift. A very relaxing and fun day after several stressful weeks.





However, having some difficulty concentrating at work today, as evidenced by this blog post from the computer in my office, but it was worth it. Next stop? Another trip to Chicago for the harvest moon dance competition. Then Blueman group? With most likely several more long nights at "round the clock".

Random

So I was playing around on ballroomdancers.com this morning, as per usual, and was reading one of the discussion threads, as per usual, and I found a descriptions of dance that I really enjoyed by one of the posters.


"There are a lot of things to love about ballroom. Above all things I love those moments when you are dancing a Foxtrot or a Paso Doble and suddenly you are flying. Your body knows what to do and its a beautiful moment of transcendence."

"I love the challenge of the new steps and pushing my body further than I thought it could go. I love the intimacy that develops with your partner, I’m not speaking of sexual, its something deeper. Your bodies become one and as you move you create, beauty, drama and passion without words, just the music and his hands and this innate understanding that defies description. It is beautiful."

Amazing.

Things that have been said about me recently.

• Stubborn
• Don't listen
• Crazy
• Stupid
• Home wrecker
• Hard-Worker
• Determined
• Intimidating
• Nice Eyes
• Evil
• Masochist

Whatever other people have called me or insinuated about me. I am learning who I really am. I'm starting to see a clearer picture of myself than ever before.

Terror

I must post about this because it was without a doubt one of the most incredible, terrifying, and fulfilling moments of my life. However, I understand that it will mean little to nothing for most of the population. I will try my best to convey the true depth and meaning as I go along, but I know it will not matter to most.

So here is some background to make the story more understandable to those who know little of the world I have pushed myself into.

An interview with Ray Rivers in a dance magazine

Other background, I am the newest person to attend Ray's group classes. Compared to everyone else, I am extremely new. Most have them have been dancing for 3+ years. I am right at 8 months.

Okay, and the story begins.

I went to the doctor yesterday about my shoulder. He poked and prodded so much that by the time it hit 7:30, I was in some pretty excessive pain. But Ray was in town and he is simply amazing, so I went to the studio anyway. I arrive at the studio about ten minutes early and I begin stretching out my arm and shoulder to try to alleviate some of the pain and get ready to dance.

Now suffice it to say that Ray Rivers does not know my name. I am a nobody to him. I am basically the only one who attends his group lessons who has never taken a private lesson with him. That is not to say that I am not interested, I would love to, I just can't get the $150 dollars necessary to do it.

He calls us out to the floor. I walk out on the floor and stand next to my friend Debbie. Ray looks right at me and smiles and points at me then does the same to Debbie. I think, "that was odd, but I have been here a lot now, he must be starting to recognize my face." We start with the Rumba warm-up exercise. Which is a fairly simple exercise in and of it self, but as you add technique to it, it gets rather challenging. When we have finished. He applauds us and says we have come a long way.

Next he says, "How many of you have done the dig-a-dig with me in Swing?". Not one to call attention to myself, I waited to see if anyone else would fess up to not knowing it. Finally, one person fessed up and I remained silent. This exercise is developed to enforce putting heavy weight down into the ball of your foot as you do each of the steps in East Coast Swing. (Basically, point your foot in the air and slam it down into the floor as hard as possible. making sure that only the ball of your foot comes into contact with the floor. Then repeat 100+ times alternating feet.) So needless to say this is a high impact activity. He has us hunch over as well to create an exaggerated form of shoulder shaping and we all look like linebackers in the mirror.

We finish the swing and he says,"Everybody against this wall, we are going to do the samba." Now, Chris and I practice this exercise fairly regularly, so I am not as panicked now as I used to be. He explains the steps and I am zoning in on his feet so I can correct my foot articulation while he is teaching the basic steps. We do that several times and he says that is looking better as well.

Now, he says, "Gentlemen on this side, ladies on that side, its time to do the whompacha" Everyone sort of groans as we separate and Ray is enjoying our fear. This is without a doubt one of the most challenging patterns I have ever learned. It is designed to make you count and consistently change rhythms in cha cha. It is extremely important to have the correct technique and foot articulation or it is impossible to do the complex steps at the correct tempo. Then he says while smiling at April, "April told me this has reached near perfection."

He then calls for Eliza to come up to demonstrate with him.

April then says, "No, I said Debbie and Kim are at near perfection." Fortunately Ray interrupted April in laughter after Debbie's name and did not hear my own. Ray gets this look on his face and says, well then, "We will have Chris and Debbie demonstrate it for us." Everybody laughs and I lean over to Debbie and say how glad I am he didn't hear my name. Just as I finish that statement, John the owner of the studio speaks up.

"Kim and I practice this every Friday. She is really near perfection."
My jaw drops. I turn bright red and stare at John with a look of shock, terror, and nausea. Then I quickly drop my head. Everyone in the class now joins in, in agreement that I am capable. I am now staring intently on the floor. I hate attention. Hate it. I know that that doesn't coincide well with my passion, but I hate it.

Then I hear Ray say, "Ok, Eliza, back in line. John and Kim will demonstrate it for us." I nearly throw-up. I look up at John he is bright red and laughing at my reaction. Eliza is still standing in the center. Nobody has taken Ray seriously. Ray repeats his directions. "Eliza back in the line, let's go John." Eliza moves back into the line and John steps forward into the middle. I am frozen to my spot in the corner with my head down. Then Ray says my name and I look up at him, "Kim, come out here." I breathe out an expletive and head out to the floor with my head down. I get into position with John. Ray is talking, I have no idea what he is saying. I look up at John and tell him I am going to kill him. He laughs. He is bright red. I remember wondering why he is red. It felt like five minutes of me standing in the middle.

Then I realize I have a problem. I look up at John and say, "I can't remember the first part." He said, "Me neither. No, I'm just kidding. Sorry." Then I hear Ray say, "Ok, starting on the second 4 and 1." He starts counting and off we go. I get through the first third without any mistakes, a little wild, but no mistakes. He says, "So far so good." I get through the second third with no mistakes and little more control and styling. He says, "Still good." I finish it up. No mistakes, a little wild on that last turn, but still pretty solid. I turn around immediately and head back to my corner as people are applauding me. I then hear Ray say, "Great job, you got it." Debbie congratulates me. Saying, "I could have never done that, that was perfect." I get a few more similar comments and I try to regulate my breathing and get the lump out of my stomach.

Now, let me explain why this is such a big deal. Ray is without a doubt the best dancer I have ever seen. That includes pro shows at comps and internet videos. That is enough of an intimidation factor right there. Now, the whompacha is an exercise he created and designed. The improve timing issues and foot articulation. I know that as he is watching me do the steps, he knows exactly what issues lie in the exercise. Where it is supposed to be difficult and the exact way he wants it danced. I am also the least experienced dancer there, by at least several months and I am the one selected to dance this in front of Ray. In trying to explain this last night to mom, I said it is like having Jesus ask you to explain the more complex parts of the bible to Him. Or Da Vinci watching you paint a replica of his paintings and asking you why you are using those specific brush strokes.

So we work through the whompacha. I have now calmed down enough that I can think a little and try to improve my technique as he is teaching the steps to others. While this is going on, another female student comes up to me and says, "Can you teach me the footwork since you know all of it?" I say, "I guess assuming she meant later." Then she looks down at my feet waiting to begin. I say, "Now?" She answers yes. I say "No, I'm not going to do it right now. Ray is talking and he will want us to start with our partners again soon." She goes back to her partner. I look down at my watch and say aloud, "9:01, thank heavens." My partner laughs, and says "don't worry its almost over."

We practice it one more time with that partner and I make a run for my old familiar chair in the corner. I am stopped one step away from leaving the floor by the person who asked for me help. She says, "Ok, will you show me now?" Keep in mind that April and Eliza are also within 5 feet and could have been asked to help her considering they are teachers. I again say, "Now?" thinking I would be much less apprehensive to do this if Ray was not around. She pulls me out to the floor and I begin to teach her. All the while, Ray is looking on. Half way through explaining it, John, who is helping another student right behind me grabs my arm and says, "Can I borrow you for a second." So I help John demonstrate a point for another student (again April and Eliza are within 5 feet, not busy with anything). Then I go back to helping the other student. Again, Ray is watching me as I teach it. I run through it twice with her, she is shaky, but I am still having heart palpitations and really want to get off the floor. So I race over to my chair and sit down and begin to change my shoes. As the student John was helping walks out he says to me in a joking tone, "Let me know when your next group lesson will be." I hang my head down and try to hide.

Up walks Chris and says, "Do either of you want to practice?" I shrug, the other students says nothing, so he says, "Kim, you teach her the female part and we'll all work on it together." So I put my shoes back on and head out to the floor again. Now, I am supposed to demo several times with Chris while the other students follows behind me. She is still struggling so we work through a couple of the more difficult patterns. I tell her she should try it with Chris and I'm thinking that I will do it in front of her so she call follow me and I can work on my technique. But Chris suggests that I watch her and tell her where they are messing up. Now, I have been placed in a full teaching position by two fellow students. So I watch and critique and by the time we are done she is at least managing to do all of the footwork pretty much in time.

She takes off because it is now 10:00 PM and Chris asks me to stay and run through the Samba thing. Ray has been watching me teach his exercise and now watches me work through another one of his with my practice partner. Finally, I am allowed to get off the floor and stay off the floor. I change my shoes again. Ray comes out of the back room and asks me, "Did you hit John yet?" I reply, "No, but I plan on it." Ray heads into the bathroom and I remind John of my nervous stomach that he teased about so badly before the showcase. I told him that the reason I couldn't remember the first step was because all I could think about was wanting to throw up. He then says to me, I would not have even brought it up if there was any doubt in my mind whether you could do it or not." I say, "Well thanks for the vote of confidence, but that doesn't make the nervous stomach go away."

We are all laughing about my stomach issues when Ray exits the bathroom. John apologizes to me on the way out about my nervous stomach. To which Ray responds, "She wasn't nervous. She was good, really good." I laugh a overly loud fake laugh as if to a bad joke and we all separate and head to our cars.

Without a doubt the most intimidating moment of my life. It was definitely my worst dancing fear realized. I will never again be more scared than I was at that moment. But, I did it and I lived through it and I actually danced rather well.

New

I haven't been so good at the blog updating. It seems like there is too much and too little happening all at the same time.

I hurt my shoulder, pretty badly about 3 weeks ago. I tore it out of socket. lots. And as most of you know I am way too stubborn to admit defeat and I have only missed one night of dance since the injury. The night that I missed, I ripped it out again. Lesson learned.

I finally went to the Doc today. He was rather impressive. Not overly technical, which is always a plus for me. Plus he was familiar with butterfly without me explaining it and knew that there was more than one variation of swing dancing. Anyway, he informed me that I could still dance all I wanted, just to be careful not to pull it out for another 4 weeks. Then I will be starting some form of physical therapy.

The children's sabbath is this sunday. We have a practice on this saturday. This would be the service where the children are in charge of every job except the sermon and they have a part of that as well. Which means this is the first time I am solely responsible for a huge project. I am trying to not stress about it and leave it in God's hands. After all, He did manange to get all the teachers I have been needing for Sunday School and a new small group I started.

It has been a weird couple of weeks for me socially. There was a guy at "The Ranch" on Sunday who threw me for a loop. A really big loop. And then I experienced on of my dance friends freak out on Monday because of something I was related to. It was weird. I sort of lost my faith in the male population for a few days thanks to both of those guys. Oh well. I woke up this morning really chipper. Maybe because I didn't have to go straight into work?

I have selected my dance for the showcase in December, but I am really struggling with finding a song that I like well enough. I am doing a Rumba and I can hardly wait to learn the choreography, but I have to pick a song before Tim can create the dance. So, I'm working on it.

I have danced everynight since Monday the 1st, including saturday and Sunday. That is without a doubt my longest stint. I love it. I love dancing everyday. It brings such joy and confidence. I will continue on every night until the 12th. Then I will have no place to dance on Saturday and Sunday.

Ray Rivers is here tonight and tomorrow. I am excited for that. His lessons are always amazing. I am a little apprehensive about my shoulder though. The Doc made it hurt quite a bit through his manipulations today. I hope it can hold out through the night.

Well, I am still at work, trying to wait around to meet someone to give them a message, but I am getting impatient. So, I am off to go check and see if they are around. I am busy, busy, busy and that's the way I like it.

WOO

My brother competed in a Triathlon. Sweet!

Trustees

I went before the Trustees yesterday with a proposal about repainting the downstairs. Not only did they accept my idea, but they also granted me the money to make it happen! Sweet! I feel like a big girl today. I know that Mark went in before hand and made it happen that way, but I'm still okay with that.

Welcome to the Underground Church!

Yay

It's Friday!

So unbelievably excited!

And ready to release my Diva!

Thursday

I love Thursday nights. They are so much fun. It is the most fun I have dancing all week. Tim is always in rare form and it is the perfect end to a long work week. We will start working on my showcase routine soon. I can hardly wait!

Haiku

Cory and I were just talking about ways to fill up my day.

He suggested writing a Haiku. I have not yet done that. I will save that for after my meeting. But here is one Cory wrote for me.

Kimberly Driver
coolest church lady i know
love wise, hott dancer

Shoes

My ghetto-ified shoes got me through a practice session with Chris last night without too many slip-ups and they are still in decent shape for Thursday. But today, I got my new shoes in the mail. Yes, I have several pairs of dance shoes, but all are for showcases and comps. The regular practice shoes were completely worn out and I badly needed a new pair, I have waited for a month to order them when I had a little more room in my paycheck. They are here at last. And I get to break them in tonight. Now, I can wear my ghetto-ified old pair to highland and not kill my new shoes as quickly. Sweet!

Thursday

Thursday night was amazing!

First Dance Stop: Highland

Tim teaches at the Lincoln Center in Highland. He usually teaches really intricate stuff that you can't learn anywhere else, but it is filled with lots of interesting characters.


The Men

Joe: Consistently smells like he has not only showered in a week, but also as though he has recently soiled himself. His fingernails are thick and perpetually filled with all sorts of disgusting. Makes weird sexual innuendos to all women regardless of age and tells lame jokes. Also believes he is the best dancer ever and doesn't need to listen to what some teacher half his age is telling him.

Rich: Hasn't been around lately, but definitely worth the explanation. He is probably about 5'3''. And my best guess is that he is a stroke victim. His right side does not work as well as his left. He limps and cannot raise his arm above his shoulder. Also believes he is a fantastic dancer, but does listen to Tim. However, when there is a problem. He automatically blames his partner and begins counting (wrong) for his partners benefit.

Charlie: The seventies throw-back. I'm pretty sure he has not purchased an article of clothing since 1975. He probably weighs about 100 lbs and is about 5'3'' but 5'5'' with his platform dance shoes. He wears glasses with huge lenses. He IS a fantastic dancer and adores Tim almost as much as I do. He makes me laugh and likes to pick on me. He is the only other person aside from Tim that I don't mind dancing with.

Doc (Joe): I'm not really sure of this guy. Another shorty. 5'2''ish. He adores the ground Tim walks on, but also mine. He makes comments about how graceful I am and what a great dancer. Fine, no big deal. But then he says stuff like, I'm never gonna let you go, or I'll pay you to dance with me, or you are so beautiful, or no, I don't want to dance with my wife, I'll keep you. Last night, "Oh, you're not married huh?" Followed by, "you know that couple would get much better if they traded partners, but there in love, not like me and my wife." He literally holds on to my hand as I am trading partners every time, until I have to yank my hand away.

There are other males: The uncoordinated giant (Mike) and The wedding crasher, but they are less interesting.

The Women:

There are significantly less strange women characters, or maybe I just don't know them as well because I don't dance with them.

Beth: Always wears some sort of dress jacket. Seriously, every time. She also wears pointy toe shoes with extremely high heels. She is perpetually back-weighted, which means she doesn't move very smoothly. She flirts with all the guys, which is pretty slim picking. She is terrified of demonstrating with Tim. Avoids it at all costs. She loves me and is constantly in a state of adoration of my dancing ability, much to my chagrin. She is always telling Tim, that she'll just watch me to figure out her footwork. This of course is a blow to Tim's ego, which I usually pay for later. However, after finally telling her that I pay for her comments she is getting better at not making them.

Laura: Has that dumb person look on her face. The one that involves your mouth hanging wide open and a blank look in your eyes. She is a decent dancer. Has been doing it for a while, but she looks pretty much exactly like this guy. She wears a purple dress regularly because Tim wears a purple shirt regularly and he once commented about great minds thinking alike. She had never worn it before that day, but wears it frequently now.
Doc's Wife: She is a great dancer and always speaks kindly to me. However, she always hears what Doc says to me and then looks at me with this expression. Sad.

There are several other females none quite so interesting. Charlie has two different mouse looking women who he brings occasionally, but never together.


The Couples:


The Angry Couple: Really tall, thin, and severe looking woman and her short husband. Husband, refuses to learn any technique which would help him to do the moves easier. Wife, refuses to take any responsibility for any problems they have dancing as a couple. They get angry and walk away from each other. Leaving weird, awkward pauses in the middle of class. They argue loudly, which interrupts the class. Tim tends to change the class based on when they show up to make sure he teaches easy stuff so they won't fight. When they are there, I call him "Dr. Tim" the marriage counselor.


Doc & His Wife: Really nice to me, no real connection to each other. Doc is overly involved in my business. His wife is really kind to me and complements me regularly.


On to what happened this Thursday:


Charlie had come to the party at the studio last Friday and wanted to do the Cowboy Cha cha so his partner could learn it. Apparently, he asked Tim to teach it this Thursday.

So we are learning this dance, Joe, smelling like feces as always is making up his own stuff, as usual. The women, mouse #1 and Beth are really struggling because Joe keeps throwing them off, and Charlie is struggling to lead them. Tim and I are cracking up watching the characters work together. Then Tim starts playing around with the dance changing the tempo and feel of the dance. I match him perfectly and he starts laughing and thanks me for helping keep him entertained... Then he turns around and notices that the people behind us are trying, unsuccessfully, to match what we were doing. He then starts laughing again and we switch back the way it is supposed to be done.


What are the odds that a such an odd combination of people could all meet up in the same 100 sq ft every week. It's like all of the strangest people from all of the surrounding times flock to the Lincoln Center each week. Silly.


Second Dance Stop: Premiere in Schererville


Ray's lesson went really well both nights. It's a big ego boost. I was the only one besides Eliza (the one demo-ed with) who remembered the cha cha exercise from last month. It was amazing. Ray watches me a lot more than he used to. I used to be sort of invisible, but now I am attracting some of his attention. I hope that it is due to skill and not lack of it. Oh well. Either way, I'll learn more that way.


Time to clean and do some laundry.

Back

Well, between the stress of the last month, being in a dunk tank on Sunday, and dancing, I have hurt my back. I know, I know, old news right? Nope, it hasn't hurt like this since high school. I took some heavy medication last night to get to sleep and try to relax the pain. It quit working by 3 AM. I was up the rest of the night.

This morning, my concerned mother, who was disgusted at the amount and type of medication I took last night, asked me if I wanted to make an appointment with my doctor today. My totally irrational dancer brain answered, "no way, Ray is in town tonight and tomorrow and I don't want him to tell me I can't go."

So what am I doing to ensure that I can go tonight? I packed my heating pad to take to work. I am leaning on it as I type. I will not move much today or spend any time off of it, other than my education commission meeting. As soon as I am done here. I am going to go rest horizontally at home, until the time comes to go to dance where I can damage myself further and repeat the whole process tomorrow.

Totally irrational, but totally worth it.

Ode

- Ode to Tim
- King, Lord, Master of the Dance Floor
- My Dance Nazi
- The only person I know who can frustrate me without a single word
- Can challenge me WAY beyond my limits and lead me to success
- Builds up my ego and then completely puts me in my place
- Can make me laugh at myself when I am failing
- Is slowly eliminating the word "can't" from my vocabulary because he will completely stop the lesson until I rephrase to, "At this current point in time, I am unable to do that"
- Can simultaneously make me feel like a woman and like a football player
- I can read him, his moods, and his intentions like a book
- Makes me the best dancer I can be and yet reminds me just how far I have to go to be as good as him
- Can moves his hips (cuban motion) better than any woman I know
- Is a bigger diva than I can ever hope to be
- Takes a special interest in me as a dancer and goes above and beyond to help me improve
- Fascinates me with his knowledge of local and national and international dance history and continues to talk to me about it well after the lessons have ended
- Can make my whole body hurt after merely twenty minutes
- Can rip my shoulder out of socket weekly and I still long to dance with him
- Can make me feel totally comfortable and completely out of my skin intimidated
- Yup, that's Tim
- King, Lord, Master of the Dance Floor (or so he likes to be called)

Songs

I love it when Ben and Danno play worship songs at night. However, something in me is always tugged upon when this happens. I don't know what it is, but instead of feeling sure of my direction, I am always thrown into a muddle of confusion. This does not occur any other time, with any other worship. I just don't know. Anyway. So in my state of confusion on my drive home, because I decided to run from the confusion rather than dwell in it like normal, I listened to two songs. One that Dawn and I used to talk about a great deal. The other, is one of my favorites, and actually one that was played during VBS this week.

Well, the internet seems to be disagreeing with me so instead of posting links or lyrics, I will just post of the titles and let you look it up, if you so desire.

The first.
Surrender by BarlowGirl

The Second.
Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice

Alive

I have resurfaced.... Finally.... I'm starting to feel like a normal human again.

VBS was this past week. Power Lab was the theme. It was science-y, which is right up my alley. 150 Kids. I worked 70 hours the week before. This week I was totally burned out but still managed to work almost a full week. Falling only two hours short. Which I more than made up for the week before. I think the week went really well. But there definitely needs to be some reorganizing of people according to their strengths. And better organizing all the way through. It will be much easier when it is my project from the very beginning.

Tim has been gone for both of those weeks. Dancing with him helps me to unwind, so he was SORELY missed. He was back on Thursday and challenged me like I haven't been challenged in weeks. It was amazing. I love having to think that hard. I love watching him do something and think there is NO WAY I am going to be able to do that, then he continues to challenge me and never slows it down or thoroughly explains it and then I get it. It's an amazing feeling. I can't wait to have a lesson with him next week. Group lesson on Tuesday. Group in Highland on Thursday. Private Lesson on Friday. So exciting.

The guy that I practice with each week and I danced a viennese for the first time at a party. It was scary. I have never successfully danced a viennese with anyone other than Tim at a party. We were both rather exhilarated at the end of it because we not only survived but did pretty well. So much so that we even got compliments from others who were watching. One guy said he was watching our silhouettes and they were perfectly in sync. Which is an incredible feat especially as two students dancing together.

To further clinch how dancing obsessed I am, I bought a book. I had been waiting for this book to come out since January. It came out this month and I have been completely engrossed. It's scary how reminiscent it is of everything I think and feel. It is an autobiography of a ballroom dancer who competed at a champion level back in the 70s. Quit, and then restarted in her forties. It would be totally boring to anyone who does not understand the dancing world or sympathize with what she undergoes in her lessons. I think it is supposed to be geared to being a self help book, but I would say it is very low quality in that respect but to read her experiences dancing is common to all dancers. It's amazing.

The Liskeys are home. At least for another two weeks. I miss them when they are not around. It's hard for me to have a real job right now because I am unable to spend time with them like I used to. I would love to have gone to Michigan to spend time with the kids the week before last, but I just couldn't take the time off. I love being a part of that family. I want to have a home like theirs when I have one of my own. I want an open house in which people feel comfortable being a part of. Amazing. I love them.

Ray

Day Two of Ray:

First of all my skill level is much higher in rhythm dances because that is my instructors forte. So my technique is much stronger. Yesterday was rhythm. Tonight was smooth. I have a terrible frame. I know that and admit to it willingly. We worked on heel turns. This requires perfect balance for both people, yet another weakness for me. So I am struggling through the combo he is teaching, there are two heel turns mixed in which a bunch of shaping and directional changes. Then he says, "now I know you girls know this" and walks towards me. It scares the poop out of me to be singled out by Ray because he is so amazing that he intimidates me. (Dan, a former teacher says, "I pray to Ray") He pulls my left hip back to proper frame. This is the first time anyone has ever done that. Physically, put me in the right frame. Allow me to assure you, that my extra vertebrae which is fused on that side did not appreciate the movement. Right as he pulled me into place, it pinched a nerve. I just nodded at his instruction and continued to dance maintaining this frame. Then practiced with Chris for another hour afterwards to make sure I had the heel turns and the weight shifting and the frame down before I left and it went out of my mind. All the while forcing myself to use the perfect frame that Ray had just shown me which puts me in excruciating pain. I am telling myself that eventually my back will get used the position and the muscles surrounding it will get stronger and it will not hurt anymore. But, just in case you were wondering about the physical demands of dancing. I am now laying in bed, having taken four ibuprofen, laying on a heating pad at my back, and with my feet strapped to ice packs. Tomorrow, I will be far far far far far sore-er and will go back for a private lesson and a 3 hour dance party. Crazy? You bet cha! I love it.


FYI: The person who wrote Strictly Ballroom, was a ballet dancer turned ballroom dancer. His innovative steps were repeatedly snubbed by judges because they went too far outside of the cannon. In the 1960's Ray Rivers competed against this man several times. Every time Ray won, the man would say, "This is rigged. I am going to make a movie." Thirty years later, Strictly Ballroom was created.

Success

Ray Rivers was at the studio tonight. He taught for many many years. Complete professionally. And is now paid to judge competitions. He comes to the studio once a month for two days. He is an incredible wealth of knowledge. Tonight, he was teaching us another part of a cha cha drill that he started last month. I really focused in on what he was teaching and figured out the math in my head and practiced the parts I knew would be hard for me as he was going over easier parts. I ran through it while everyone else was watching him. Then when we all ran through it, I did it without watching him. Low and Behold, while we tried it with the partner, I was the only one who was able to finish it. John, who owns the studio was impressed, with a "wow, check you out. This is a really hard step. No, seriously, a really hard step." We did it three more times and I was still the only one to finish! Amazing ego boost! I rocked it.

Tim

I am pleased to say that things are back to normal with Tim. I know that most of you don't realize how major that is, but the lack of fun and high stress lessons have been really weighing me down lately. But I got to dance with him tonight. He challenged beyond what I thought I could do and I was able to do it. My skill is coming back, finally. It is much easier to dance up to my potential when I am not stressed or being ridiculed. Sweet.

I am SO looking forward to my lesson tomorrow.

Stumble

While prepping for Sunday School for next Sunday, I stumbled across a verse. I love it.

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Incredible.

Girl

I am feeling decidedly like a silly, stupid girl tonight. :)

I am looking forward to tomorrow!

Tuesday

It's Tuesday of a new week. Last week was rough, in a lot of ways. This week has potential either way. I have two hours of practice tonight. I am looking forward to that. I am mildly afraid of what Thursday and Friday will hold. But as long as I can pry my mouth open, I think it will go fine. I just need to speak up for myself before things get any further out of control. I want to have my passion back. I want to look forward to Thursdays and Fridays again. They used to be the highlight of my week.

On that note, Bonnie and I are going for ice cream.

Friday

what sort of office pranks are viable where you work?

• I am not sure yet. I am still too new. But here is an odd and interesting factoid: I was given a project today to choreograph a routine for a lawn mower precision drill team. Weird.

do you feel like sand sculptures are a waste of time? why or why not?

• A waste of my time, certainly. I don't have the patience or the desire to craft one, but I do enjoy them when I see them.

seen any good movies lately?

• I enjoyed most of August Rush and since that is the only movie I have watched in about six months, we'll go with that one.

what's something you've learned recently that contradicts what you've always believed?

• I am not in any hurry to have children of my own. Odd, I know.

name three items of food you would definitely not like to be:

• Water Chestnut. Too Bland.
• Jalapeno. The only people I know who like Jalapenos are annoying. I don't want to attract those kind of people.
• String Beans. They are limp and I don't think I look very good in green.

what's the oddest animal you've ever had in your mouth?

• Squid. Sorry not too adventurous.

Mom

Happy Birthday Mom!

Tuesday

It's Tuesday. I have about 10 more minutes here and then I am off to the Liskeys to babysit while Jack has baseball practice. While I am there I am going to wash my pants because they are drenched with baby formula from my best work buddy, Dan. Then off to the studio for a wonderful Waltz and Cha Cha lesson with Tim. Hooray! All in all, a good day!

Except still no volunteers. :(

Net

Here's my Net Net of the last two days.

Sunday morning. Sucked. Out of control Kindergartners and thirty other students equals Kimi crying for an hour afterwards.

Sunday afternoon. Quality time with Ben Liskey. Good times.

Sunday evening. Indiana Jones Life Board Game. AMAZING.

Monday day. 50 phone calls. No volunteers to make sure Sunday morning doesn't happen again.

Monday night. good times. quickstep, digits, and silly girl giggles. hooray.

Bring on Tuesday.

Ball

The Crystal Ball is this weekend. I would love to go and watch. I would love to compete. Oh well, Indiana Challenge here I come.

Work is busy and hectic and stressful, but I am learning more everyday.

Dance is great, but I have hurt my foot. I nurse it back to feeling ok, by the time I have dance, but by the time I am done, it hurts even worse. I don't get to dance tomorrow night so it will be a good time to rest it for the dancing marathon on Thursday and Friday.

Five

brought to you by cory...

are you sweet on Tim?

• How many times have I told you no? He is married, has two children, and is much older than I am. I talk about him a lot because he is associated closely with the thing that makes me happiest. He is an amazing dancer and makes me laugh. I learn a great deal from him. The closest comparison I have for you is like being star struck with a celebrity.
• Cory, I have told you about another interest, maybe you and I could talk about that sometime.

what's something people don't know about you, but they should?

• I am absolutely terrified of walking alone at night, anywhere. If it is to my car in a parking lot, or to my dorm room, whatever. I avoid it at all costs.

"would you, could you in a box? would you, could you with a fox?" what do you think Dr. Seuss was trying to say with this line?

• I am pretty sure Dr. Seuss was making a comment about conservation with this particular line in "Green Eggs in Ham". As Sam is trying to convince the main character to experience something new and wonderful (substitute with some type of technology) Dr. Seuss is trying to remind the reader to find a way to help conservation and progress coexist.

rank in order of best stress relief: dancing, hitting a pillow, punching the heavy bag, driving whilst singing, going for a walk

1. Dancing (Imagine that)
2. Driving Whilst Singing
3. Going for a walk
4. Hitting a pillow
5. Punching the heavy bag

what's do you think God's been teaching you this week?

• I have been way beyond stressed this past week because of money issues and time issues and just being afraid that I wouldn't be able to do my job. God has been proving his presence in small ways this week. I got a break at the gas pump when I needed it. I have had lots of positive feedback already about my ideas at the church. I have had some great dance classes this week which have helped to majorly de-stress. The best one was on Wednesday. Silver Swing with John. He is so funny and makes me laugh. I also danced really well and got a compliment from another great dancer. God is helping me to remember that He is there and will not leave me despite the stress.

Compliment

Tim said something absolutely incredible to me. I think. It was by far the greatest compliment I have ever received dancing wise, if it was meant to be taken at face value and if in fact I did not dream it up in some sort of delusional fantasy. It has created in me a sort of scene reminiscent of My Fair Lady, when Eliza has accomplished the task of saying "The rain in Spain", and she sings "I could have danced all night" in response to dancing with Henry Higgins. I am amazed at the comments he made to me and I only hope he was sincere in saying them. He spends a great deal of time putting me in my place and trying to make sure I remember I am still a beginner and not as good as I might imagine. So, if what he said was in fact meant at face value, that would be huge!

Delusion

I got a massive reality check tonight. Ouch. I am trying to trust in God's sovereignty.

Desk

The View from MY Desk:

I never thought I would enjoy cubicle life so much. It's great to work sitting down. This is the first job I have ever had in which I was allowed to sit, much less expected to sit. And my back loves it.

I love listening to my music as I am working. That is, when my Hawaiian music loving office mate is not in the office.

After sitting all day, I am totally and completely ready to dance. At Borders, I would usually be tired and ready to get off my feet. But now, despite my soreness from yesterday, I am ready to dance!

I like having an office next to the playground. It lets me watch the kids while I am working and remember why I am doing what I do.

I like that I now have weeded out one file drawer and have it organized in a way that makes sense to me.

I can't wait to hang up my own personal items on my grey cork walls.

People have been really great around here as far as trying to make me feel comfortable and answering any questions that I have.

Showcase Update

Yesterday was amazing. I love dancing and performing. Despite my normal, overly self-critical nature, I thought I did really pretty well. I have caught the bug. Unfortunately that means I have to scrimp and save so I can keep doing it, but it is totally worth it. I definitely want to dance for the rest of my life.

Stress

oddest at work conversation:

• Bonnie: So who do you dance with?
• Me: My instructor, Tim Dustin. He is incredible. He has more cuban motion than any woman.
• Bonnie (to others entering the office): Kim's partner is a little light in the loafers.
• Me: He is not gay.
• Bonnie: Sure.
• Me: He's married and has two children.
• Bonnie: So was I.

Yeee-ikes.

do people ever put their hands on your thighs while they are talking to you to emphasize a point? how weird does that make you feel on a scale of 1 - freak out?

• depends on the person.... i know scandalous. The average joe, not so much = 2. Old people. Yes. Always = Freak Out.

does Rachel Ray's scarf make you hungry for duncan donuts? it sure does for me!

• Um, no. My first thought without reading the attached article was that it reminded me of a dead animal. So. yeah.

who wants to get together and have a sibling swim-fest sometime soon?

• Swim fest? No thanks. I am going to do my best to steer clear of a swim suit this summer. Anything else though, I am game.

best-worst idea ever:
a) rocket chair
b) shotgun weddings
c) vaporizer (did you all get shocked as many times as i did when you were kids?)
d) spandex - I am a dancer. I love spandex, even though it looks horrible on everyone.



Yup, tomorrow at 2:00 PM. I will be dancing in public for the first time ever. Scary. Trying hard not to panic.

Sad

Ouch.

I hit an enormous pot-hole with my car today. It broke a spring. Which means I have to get my struts, spring, and casing repair. The estimate I was given was for $764.00. That pretty much wipes out the money I had in savings to continue dancing at the end of June when my package runs out. Ouch.

Questions

now that you're in the "real world" what is something you don't want to lose sight of? what did you want to put before you caved to what you should put?

• I feel an enormous burden has been lifted. I have more time and more money, so it is difficult for me to think about what I might lose sight of right now. The should answer is probably making sure I make time for reading my bible everyday. The real answer is making sure I take as much time as possible to dance. I have not gone as much lately as I did when I was working at Borders. Ironic, I know.

long weekend, eh? got any plans?

• I am off today, tomorrow, Sunday evening, and Monday. Today I am visiting Jerry Ross because I promised the kids I would. Tomorrow I am watching all five Harry Potter movies. Sunday, I am working in the morning and taking a post-church nap, like we always used to. Monday I am beginning my goal of watching all of my movies alphabetically.

what's something you thought you would hate, but grew to love? what's something you thought you would love, but grew to hate?

• I thought I would hate Spinach, but I love Carrie's Spinach salads. I thought I would hate Purdue, but I grew to love it.
• I thought I would love tanning again, but I hate it. I used to love it. It was warm and quiet and the perfect place to think, and the burn was worth it. Now, the fan makes it cold, I don't like having twenty minutes of thinking time, and the burn is soo not worth it.

think fast: mascot uniform or sandwich board?

• Sandwich board. Do you remember my adventure in a mascot uniform? (Buddy) Yikes.

do you think you're better than me?

• Only in ballroom dancing. I go that specific, because I think you are better at all other types of dancing.

Dead

Because two back to back gimicky post is a sign of a dead blog....

More

finish this sentence: with all the people talking about what they would change about their bodies, or the world or whatever, one thing i would absolutely not like to be changed is...

I sure do like the color of my hair and the expression in my eyes.



coolest country you're never going to go to:

a. Lichtenstein - i just like to say it.



what would you do for a klondike bar? EC. what does klondike even mean?

this makes me think of jeff dunham. "I'd kill you for a klondike bar." In all honesty, I wouldn't do much. Maybe open the freezer if there was already one in there. Mmm. I love those snickers things.




what do you think about most of the time?

sadly, 90% of the time I am thinking about dance. Either the people, the moves, the technique, the shoes, the dresses, whatever.



do you feel like you would ever be able to head-bang without the risk of serious injury?

Nope, headbanging=head injury




BONUS: where/who/what do you want to be in 3/7 years?

In three-sevenths of a year. I would like to be in Michigan on the beach.

Five

what are you new job duties going to be?

• Essentially, I will facilitate Sunday school for all ages and lead the children's ministry. There is a lot more involved, but that's the short version.

is there anything you will miss about Borders?

• I will miss the randomness. I liked seeing people all the time that I didn't expect to see and odd experiences.

when you get your own health insurance, do you think you'll go to the doctor a lot? i know i do!

• Go to the doctor sure, but I will likely not follow through on their orders for more work, cause that cost money, that I don't have.

did you jump up and down at all when you heard about the news?

• I did not jump. I was still bummed at the idea of not having insurance. I am only now beginning the jumping up and down process.

do you think we could have some hang out time this weekend? (read: are you dancing saturday night?)

• We could so have some hang-out time with Saturday night if you would coming back.

News

I got the job! I am going to call and officially accept it tomorrow! Yay!


Update:

I accepted the job this morning and was scammed by my first insurance company this morning and lost seventy-five dollars in the process. Crap.

Wednesday

Tomorrow is my interview with Staff Parrish. I am really hopeful. I am trying not be nervous. I work tomorrow from 10 to 7. My interview is at 7:30. So it doesn't give me too much time to worry. So that is good.


I practiced tonight in the studio. I am usually petrified of practicing in the studio, but Shawn made me stay so we could practice together. It is much less terrifying to practice with someone else. It would be better if there was a male to actually dance with. But having someone else there is still less scary. I will dance again on Thursday and practice before the group lesson. I am looking forward to the weekend of dancing again.

Weekend

Well, here's some dancing updates. I had a rough, yet great weekend.

On Thursday nobody stayed for the last class that Tim teaches so I got a free hour lesson with him. It was amazing! I would love to just take lessons with him everyday. He is a wealth of knowledge. And while he is really hard on me, I know I learn a great deal. We worked on some salsa, Viennese, west coast, and rumba. I haven't danced rumba with him in forever. I miss that dance.

On Friday, my lesson went wonderfully. I was in a great mood and I took my mess ups and his criticism in stride. We bantered more than we have in a long time. It was great. He was more supportive that he has been in a long time too. I was getting frustrated with the cuban motion we were working on. Then he was careful to remind me how long it took him to master it. FYI, Tim has the most amazing cuban motion I have ever seen.

So lesson went really well, we sit down for him to make notes of what we worked on and talk about it more. I ask him if we need to double up on lessons before the showcase. He then tells me we are not going to be ready for my solo for the showcase and that I can't do it. Ouch. Now, I am struggling to hold all emotion inside and bury it deep, so he doesn't see how greatly he has crushed me. He then tells me that people typically have about two or three months to prepare. He asked me 2 weeks ago what I wanted to do for it, we clearly had not enough time from that point to work on it then. I was mad that he had built up my hopes without any real chance of being able to pull it off.

So while he was talking to me, I was adjusting my own attitude. Instead of being heartbroken, I tried to focus on the positives. I get WAY too stressed out and focused on being good and lose the fun of dancing. When I allowed myself to think, I realized I was sort of relieved to not be doing the solo. It took the pressure off. I was going to have to buy another package to double up on lessons, it was money I had, but I was not looking forward to spending it so soon. I would also have to buy a gown for my solo. That was looking at being about $350 that I didn't really have especially on top of buying a new package. So that was another relief. He also told me that we can dance in the Pro-Am Freestyle dances. Which is a waltz, fox-trot, rumba, and hustle. We will work out a tentative routine, which is open to change due to other couples on the floor. So, I still get to dance, and dance more. There is less pressure. And while I still get upset when I think about not being good enough to do a Viennese solo, the positives out weigh it.

Now the part that made it truly great, I am not going to type. :)

Five

Thanks Cory

what needs to be done sooner rather than later?

• I need to put my clean clothes into my closet, before they get dirty from being on the floor.

have you ever felt like if something didn't happen, you were going to lose it? tell me a short story, please.

• Very much how I felt as I was finishing student teaching, waiting for my grades. If I didn't pass, I was definitely going to lose it.

you have to go someplace outside of the states for 2 months. where are you going?

• Japan? I like the images I have seen in the big cities. Looks fun and energetic.
• Florence? Sappy romantic reasons.
• Morocco! To see what Cory saw.

remember when we drew landscapes on notebooks and then had an animal cracker safari in Jacki's class? wanna do that again sometime?

• Yes, I do. Badly. Though it would lack something without the dirty looks from Eric.

talk to me about what you're learning about yourself. 2 things, one funny, one serious, please.

• Serious - It matters too much to me to be good at something. I was starting to stress about dancing because I didn't feel like I was getting good enough, fast enough. I am much better now about that. I am also drastically much more of a girly-girl than I ever assumed.
• Funny - I am mildly obsessed with celebrity gossip now, due to my job at borders and the constant supply of trash magazines on the break table.

Five

Sunday morning six?

Which is more delicious: Reese's or snickers
~Snickers. I love peanut butter and chocolate, but most times Reese's just seem to taste funny.


If you had to come up with a negative thing to say about your identical twin without insulting yourself, what would it be?
~Your feet stink?

Less useful: landing on the moon or discovering the titanic
~Discovering the titanic - Yup, we sure did hit an iceberg and sink, crap. Landing on the moon was the first step of progress in further space travel.

What is your favorite dance?
~Smooth: Viennese Waltz/Tango
~Rhythm: West Coast/Rumba
~Overall: Viennese Waltz

List 5 things that make you happy.
1. Dancing
2. Liskeys
3. Water
4. Naps outside
5. Music

What is the most long-lasting impression you will take with you from your college life? Navigators?
~College life: Standing on the top of Slater Hill on the snow day seeing an innumerable amount of college kids sledding on the hill. Incredible.
~Navigators: I learned so much from Navigators, its hard to narrow it down. The importance of digging into the word. The importance of fellowship. The urgency for sharing the gospel and the excitement of spiritual generations.

WOW

I found this.
Michael Wentink.
One word. Wow.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. I am very hopeful and yet really nervous. Any prayers would be appreciated.

There are people who have access to my blog that need to remain clueless about the events of tomorrow, so please be vague if you feel the need to post back.

I am really excited about some dance stuff right now. I am trying to keep my head level. John and April, the owners of the studio, are starting to pay extra attention to me. I am hopeful that this may turn into an opportunity to teach eventually, but I am trying to remain realistic.

My dance floor is finally down, glued, nailed, and ready to dance. I plan on making full use of it tomorrow.

Down

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
This very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes it's head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To life me up again


Relient K, When I Go Down

Jaw

I woke up this morning and set my jaw.

I am done having my mood, my life, be dependent on any other person. I am tired of falling victim to guilt trips. I am tired of doing something I don't really want to do. I am tired of not enjoying what I want to do because I feel I should be doing something else.

I'm moving forward. In the direction that is important to me. I am working on my relationship with Christ and my dancing. Christ is my security. The only person who will never disappoint me. Dancing is my joy and my passion. It takes me to a different world and lets me be whoever I want to be at that moment.

Therefore, I am clearing my head. I am simplifying my life. There will undoubtedly be other portions of my life and I want other parts of my life, but I am simplifying in my mind. I am not spending any more time staying up at night worrying about things that are a waste of my time. I am actively pursing my relationship with Christ and working to improve in dance, other than that, I'll trust God to take care of the rest.

So, I am off to do some laundry, clean the house, and get ready to dance the night away tonight.

Tonight, lesson with Tim. Cha Cha group lesson and dance party. Sunday, Viennese Waltz lesson, at the ranch, followed by open dancing. I am pumped for a great weekend of dancing!

Wallflower

Yes, I know. It has been almost exactly a week since my last depressing post. Therefore, I think we are due for another one. This one might end on a positive note though, so hold tight.

Have you ever felt like a wallflower? Like you just simply blend into the background and no one notices you? Like you could leave a room and it would take the others in the room a significant amount of time to realize you were missing?

In the movie, Princess Diaries, Mia discusses how she seems to be invisible to the rest of the human population with her best friend Lilly. She states, "someone sat on me again." Later in the movie, she exclaims, "I am invisible and wet!"

She just wants to be seen. She wants to be known. She wants to be acknowledged. She wants to be separated from the wall.

I am struggling tonight with feeling: unnoticed, invisible, unworthy, ignored, unappreciated, unseen, unrecognized, unqualified, and unimportant.

I want to someone to see some value in me. I want to be worth someone's time. I want someone to pull me away from the wall.

I know God has done this for me in my life. I know my family sees some sort of value in me. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I just want something tangible. You know?

Herein lies yet another reason why I dance and why I love Thursday night dancing with Tim.

On Thursday nights, I am used to demonstrate. I am literally pulled away from the wall and everyone's eyes are on me. I am seen. I am valued for my ability and opinions. I am asked to judge what others are doing incorrectly and which moves should be done. I am asked by fellow students how to do the steps. For about three hours a week, I get to feel: noticed, visible, worthy, acknowledged, appreciated, seen, recognized, qualified, and important.

And seeing how Wednesday nights seem to be the rough night for me, I am grateful that Thursday is always soon to follow.

So until I can consistently look forward to feeling noticed, visible, worthy, acknowledged, appreciated, seen, recognized, qualified, and important, I look forward to dancing on Thursday nights.

Viennese

I have been practicing Viennese Waltz for a few weeks. I got to dance it for the first time tonight. Amazing! I love this dance!

Mesh

So I will likely be late for work for writing this, but I just had to.

Last night I am learning a bolero move with Tim. Bolero is a very smooth fluid romantic dance. He has me doing this sort of body wave move that I cannot figure out. Then he stands up straight, looks me in the eye and says, "Have you seen legally blond?" I give him a clueless look as I respond with yes. I can't figure out what ballroom and legally blond have to do with one another. Then he says, "Do you remember that move they do in the salon?" Realization comes, and I start laughing. I say, "Are you kidding? The Bend and Snap?" He confirms it and says same principle in this move. So we do it again, and I got it. But I can't do the move now without thinking of legally blond. Who would have thought, legally blond would help me in my dancing?

The Bend and Snap

Tim

Tim... What can I say about Tim?

I had a crappy day at work on Monday. I was supposed to be there an hour earlier than I thought so I was called and told I was late. Poop. But within the first hour of me being at work, who should show up and ram into me with a stroller? Tim.

Yeah, seeing him was enough to save my day. That made me wonder. Why is it that seeing him has that effect on me?

Well, I associate Tim with all things fun. Our senses of humor are almost identical, so we spend a lot of the time together laughing. We actually spend a lot of time sparring with quick comebacks. He represents all the fun parts of dance to me. He is really picky and thorough and is specific on technique. I love that. He is a tremendous lead and can make me do moves I would otherwise assume impossible. He is smooth and fluid and serious about how he dances and yet is an extreme diva.

Picture me today in a horrible, horrible mood. The worst I have felt in a long time. The funk is only growing deeper as I head toward dance. Somewhere in the midst of the last of the three, one hour classes, I realize I have not stopped laughing for the last thirty minutes. I am in a wonderful mood.

I received an amazing complement from Tim. He does not hand them out easily. In fact, he usually softens every success of mine with a, "yeah, but don't forget _____." Which is good. I like that he pushes me and won't let me accept where I am. But tonight a guy in the class who "loves to dance" with me came up to Tim and I to tell Tim how great I am. Tim smiles and says, "yeah, pretty soon I won't be able to keep up with her." That elicits a look from me for Tim, because he is just so far beyond me, that I can only wish one day I could dance like him. After my look, he walks up to me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "seriously, she remembers every thing I tell her, and writes it down, and practices." And while this doesn't seem like much of a complement, the best dancer I know was discussing my progress and my ability positively with another student. Incredible.

He also depends on me quite a bit during these classes, which is also quite a complement. He asks my opinion about the moves he will teach. He trusts me to tell him when any of the men are having difficulty. He looks to me to see if his counting or footwork was correct as he is explaining the ladies part. He dances with me in order to figure out new moves or counting, which means that he trusts me enough to follow whatever he leads whether I know it or not. And he listens to me when I tell him what other men are doing wrong and then addresses it for the whole class. He uses me to demonstrate during the classes, both to do the "wrong" and the "right". The "wrong" is not so fun, it usually involves dancing way too close or whipping me around or tying me up with our arms, but shows that he is comfortable with me and again that I am able to follow him, even when he is leading poorly.

Here I am toot-tooting my own horn, but I love dancing, I love the way it makes me feel, and I love getting better at it.

And I get to dance again tomorrow! What could be better?

Music

I heard this song the way to work this morning. I loved it. I remember thinking you can truly hear the sorrow in this guys voice. Little did I know how much differently I would hear it tonight.

Jake Coco, Broken Hearts and Fairytales

Life is so frustrating, and it's getting over rated.
A broken heart, a fairytale it's all the same to me.
But I don't wanna be just waiting patiently
For life to come and take me away.

So I'm sitting here in silence, and I'm pretty sure that violence
Is the only form of love I'll ever know.
But I guess that goes to show that even those filled up with hope
have less than you can tell meets the eye.

And you lead me on and on and on again, you do.
You lead me on and on and on again;
I hope to God this hurts you too.
I wish I never loved you; I wish I didn't care.

Life is so degrading, and I'm pretty sure I hate it.
I gotta get myself out of this town.
Before I'm broken down, lying shattered on the ground,
For all the world to see who I am.

And you lead me on and on and on again, you do.
You lead me on and on and on again;
I hope to God this hurts you too.
I wish I never loved you; I wish I didn't care.



Jake Coco, Old T-Shirt

It's been three weeks since I've heard from you,
and my bed sheets are screaming cuz they miss you too.
It's looking like I'm sleeping alone again tonight.

I've got a clean slate waiting with your name on the chalk,
come over now baby get me outta the dark.
I'm laying here playing solitaire hoping I see you.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
because I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.

I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

I wrote ten love songs with your name in the title;
prayed to Jesus, Mary, Joseph every man in the Bible;
I'm wishing on a star even though it's only noon.

I'm watching reruns of our favorites shows,
my stomach's been hurting like nobody knows,
I'm jumping up every time I hear my phone ring.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
because I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.
I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

When you're in love, like I'm in love,
then everything is not enough.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
cuz I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.
I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

Jake Coco, If I were an Artist

I could paint you red, like the passion you feel

It might not be colorful, but at least it’d be real

And I could paint you green,

like the envy you know,

when you’re all alone at night

With nowhere to go

And I could paint you grey,

to show how you’re empty

To show how you don’t care

So the world can all see

And I could paint you clear,

I'd make you graceful

I'd make you beautiful

Cuz that’s what you are

And I could paint you taupe

Because they say that it’s soothing

But you’re like a drug to me

That could use some abusing

And I could paint you gold

To show you’re immortal

Would that make you honest?

Would it make you sincere?

Scarlet and Clover, all the things we talked about

Violet and green and the world in between

The grey skies in your blue eyes,

broken hearts are all that you know

I could be clear

Yeah you could see through me

And I could be beautiful

Just to be yours

Just to be….I could paint you clear,

Id make you graceful

Id make you beautiful

Cuz that’s what you are

And I could be clear, and I could be graceful

I swear Id be colorful just to be yours

If I were an artist, then I could be yours

If I were an artist, then I could be yours

Gag

Things that make me gag.

Creepy John - "Hey girl, I really like your dance pants."
Yeah, not sure I have ever felt more naked in my life. Yucky. Why will this man not take a hint? Maybe I should just knee him during a tango....

Excited

So, this does not mean anything to anybody else but me, but I got permission from my instructor tonight to go to full bronze and silver lessons at Premiere. He thinks I am good enough! YES!

If you want a glimpse into what I am talking about, here is an interesting blog I found.

Work

Moments in retail.

I chased someone down two days ago who I believed to be stealing two box sets. Fortunately the theft did not occur and the customer left unaware that he was a suspect. It's all good. He walked in the store commenting about the amount of theft we must have in the store. He asks to be let into the box sets. I become his personal shopper for the next ten minutes, I hate this especially when i was supposed to be off work ten minutes before. He takes to box sets and excuses me. I head back towards the back but see him leaving right after me. I then follow him as he makes a quick exit, praying for our system to beep as he walks out. No beep, I rush back to the area with a co-worker in search of the box sets. We found them. No harm, no foul.

I got caught practicing some dance drills yesterday. The customer gave me a funny look, I didn't realize I had been caught. I wasn't doing anything overly obvious. Then he walks up to my boss and says, "It must be something about the music, you are bopping over here and she is dancing over there behind the counter." Busted. Oh well.

I really love nice customers. I wrapped some presents for a guy a few days ago. He was astounded at the fact that I would not take a tip and didn't want him to talk to my manager at what a good employee I was. I love nice customers. I helped an older couple find some books and cds and talked the to older gentleman about his movie collection. He then proceeded to come back to me and offer me some candy he was carrying. I love it when old men do this. I never eat it, its always wrapped, but it is just such a nice, old man gesture.

After selling at least twenty adult magazine's yesterday, I have figured out the proper etiquette for buying a magazine. If buying only one, fold it in half so as not to make it obvious. If willing to buy more than one magazine, sandwich it between a sports and a car magazine. A guy brought a magazine up to me to buy using the sandwich method, I always do my best to put the magazine on top to create a certain amount of shame. A 70ish woman was standing off to my left. Saw the magazine and said, "nice" in a wonderfully flat, judgemental, sarcastic tone and walked away. I started laughing and the guy felt more shame than I could have ever created for him.

Wistful

Apparently I am in a sort of wistful mood today.

I was driving home from my doctor's appointment and I heard an old favorite dance song.

May I Have This Dance by Scott Krippayne

Then I was completely surprised by a song I didn't realize I had downloaded.

So She Dances by Josh Groban

I love this song. It is beautiful. I want nothing more than to be this woman. Gorgeous song.

Challenge

It has been an amazing weekend.

I was able to watch several of my friends compete this weekend and see absolutely incredible dancing.

I danced hustle in front of about 300 people. I followed everything and didn't mess up any of my steps. I have a video, but only a precious few people will see it for purposes other than watching me dance.

Dancing tonight gave me a glimpse of a life I really want. It was incredible to be dancing and thinking, yes, this is it. This is something I want to do for the rest of my life. Odd occurance.

I think April is being sneaky. I'm pretty sure of it. I can see her being a schemer and I am pretty sure I was part of a scheme tonight. Oh well! I enjoyed every minute of it.

My favorite song for the evening went with one of my favorite Pro-Am dances....

All I Ask of You -Phantom of the Opera

RAOUL

No more talk of darkness,

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here, nothing can harm you

my words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom,let day

light dry your tears.

I'm here with you, beside you,

to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE

Say you love me every waking moment,

turn my head with talk of summertime...

Say you need me with you now and always...

Promise me that all you say is true

that's all I ask of you

RAOUL

Let me be your shelter

let me be your light

You're safe, No one will find you

your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE

All I want is freedom,

a world with no more night

and you, always beside me,

to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL

Then say you'll share with me

one love, one lifetime

let me lead you from your solitude

Say you need me with you here, beside you...

anywhere you go, let me go too

Christine, that's all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...

say the word and I will follow you...

Share each day with me,

each night, each morning...

Say you love me...

RAOUL

You know I do...

BOTH

Love me - that's all I ask of you

Anywhere you go let me go too

Love me - that's all I ask of you...

I'm pretty sure I want to dance to this song during my wedding reception. Yeah, my mind is running like crazy tonight. Having a video to relive it doesn't really help either.

Dance

I'm beginning to think that Miranda was right, and worse than that, I am beginning to be okay with that.

Dancing is so much fun, to do, to watch.

Love it!

Whew

Ok, so this guy was in the store again today.

I tried my best to stay clear of him, but there I was stuck behind the register and he comes almost running up to me. I instantly start backing away and trying desperately to find some excuse to do something that could take me away from him.

However in a rather angry voice, I hear "Where is the manager for this place?" I happen to be standing next to the manager on duty and I point at her and conitnue to back away.

He is violently angry about some kids selling candy outside our door. We have already heard about it and sent Tom to go yell at the kids. Apparently, they haven't left. The guy goes back to look for Tom.

He returns even more angry and yelling this time about how it is just not right. He works hard for his money and doesn't want to have to deal with it. He then yells if we do not do something about it, he will handle it himself. The manager on duty is alarmed at this statement. I take over the transaction she is working on and she follows him.

As he is walking with her towards the back of the store, I hear him yell, "You have a ton of problems in the store tonight. There is a couple making out over there in the erotica section."

I hear nothing for almost a half hour and then the manager returns to tell me that she has handled the candy selling kids and warned the couple and the angry guy has left.

I then explained to her who this guy is and how glad I am that I never took him up on his offer.