Beautiful

There is nothing I struggle with more than my self-image. I don't feel beautiful. But, there are lots of great songs from other people who understand the struggle and I cling to those songs. This is the most recent one I have heard. Actually on a veggie tales movie about self-image. Yeah, it gets that bad.

Beautiful For Me



Then there are some old favorites.

More Beautiful You



Beautiful



Mirror

Random

It's been a long time. But, in my defense, its been busy. I am officially married. Yup, that was weird to type. I have been calling Chris my husband to an excess and not using his name, in hopes that it will start to sink in. I have some bits to talk about.

So yesterday at church, I was doing my normal thing and asking the kids what they have been learning about. And, I discovered the amazing difference in the kids. They are learning their facts. They are learning the bible stories, but the exciting part is that they are starting to really understand who God is and what he is like. That to me, makes my work start to feel worthwhile. They are also now encouraging the adults to bring a bible to church. Sound familiar? I now have a ton of kids who bring theirs every Sunday and perhaps the example of the young is starting to reach the older generation. Lifts my spirit some and helps me to see maybe there is a reason why I am at this church.

My dear sweet husband bought me some new cleaning tools. While that doesn't seem like a good thing, I am apparently much more like my mother than I knew. I love an incredibly clean house, but don't have the desire to do it. So, I had been researching these steam cleaners by shark. There is both a mop one and a sort of smaller multi-purpose one. I used them last night to clean out the dog-nastiness in the lower level. They are amazing! I have never been so excited! I was almost giddy. I know this sounds a tad commerical-ish, but it was so easy and quick. I didn't even have to scrub to clean up stuck on stuff.

On my way home, I heard this song. I love it. It struck a chord with me, made me realize what weight is on my husband's shoulders and how desperately he needs me to stand behind him and support him and pray for him.
.
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Days

Ever have one of those days when you stick your entire foot in your mouth? When you thought without a doubt that you were totally and completely right on this issue, and then you hear the other perspective and you just can't shrink small enough. Yeah. Days when you wish you could literally swallow back up those words? Yeah. Today is that day for me.

Song Lyrics? Sure, why not.

Relient K, of course.... Bite my Tongue

I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me

I'm sweeping up the seconds
That tick off the clock
Save them all for later
When I'm too ticked to talk
And I need some time
To search my mind
To locate the words
That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called "tact"
And if you're always so intently listening
Then the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself not to say a thing

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
To bit my tongue

I said I'm always close-minded
With an open mouth
And the worst of me
Seems to come right out
But I've never broken bones
With a stone or a stick
But I've conjured up a phrase
That can cut to the quick

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
And the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself to keep

Quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed

And when I finally do
Let it come from you
The peace of understanding grips my soul
You're the reason I
Have meaning in this life
Is so I swallow all my pride
And give you control
I give it all to you

And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed
And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Bite my tongue

Relient

I saw Relient K at the House of Blues in Chi-Town last night. The band were amazing as usual, but apparently I am old.

5 years ago at a Relient K concert, I would have been in the very front, right by the stage, and jumping for every song.

Relient K yesterday, my back hurt from standing for so long, I longingly looked on the mosh pit from the outside rail, and did not jump at all. And at 10:00, I was so ready for bed.

While the music was outstanding, it brought back memories of times when I was younger and was much less inhibited. Not sure, why, at the age of 23 I am feeling so very very old.

However, Ray is in town tonight and tomorrow, so maybe that will make up for feeling so old and lame.

Michael

I was greatly saddened by the death of Michael Jackson yesterday. It had been one of my life-long goals to see Michael Jackson in concert. I have determined to see him on this new tour. It's the first and probably only celebrity death which will actually bring me near tears.

It was an interesting day yesterday due to the death. I heard from a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time. Apparently, I leave a legacy of Michael Jackson appreciation with those who I meet and spend time with. I once had a roommate tell me, "I was never really into Michael Jackson and thought he was sort of weird. But after living with you I love the music and find myself defending him too." While I think maybe I should have left a different legacy with people, I am glad to have developed an appreciation for MJ in several people.

Cory and I had lots of good times of singing Michael Jackson songs in the car and I remember watching Dad's MJ laser disks whenever he turned them on. Some of my favorite memories with both people.

Songs

I love it when Ben and Danno play worship songs at night. However, something in me is always tugged upon when this happens. I don't know what it is, but instead of feeling sure of my direction, I am always thrown into a muddle of confusion. This does not occur any other time, with any other worship. I just don't know. Anyway. So in my state of confusion on my drive home, because I decided to run from the confusion rather than dwell in it like normal, I listened to two songs. One that Dawn and I used to talk about a great deal. The other, is one of my favorites, and actually one that was played during VBS this week.

Well, the internet seems to be disagreeing with me so instead of posting links or lyrics, I will just post of the titles and let you look it up, if you so desire.

The first.
Surrender by BarlowGirl

The Second.
Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice

Down

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
This very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes it's head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To life me up again


Relient K, When I Go Down

Music

I heard this song the way to work this morning. I loved it. I remember thinking you can truly hear the sorrow in this guys voice. Little did I know how much differently I would hear it tonight.

Jake Coco, Broken Hearts and Fairytales

Life is so frustrating, and it's getting over rated.
A broken heart, a fairytale it's all the same to me.
But I don't wanna be just waiting patiently
For life to come and take me away.

So I'm sitting here in silence, and I'm pretty sure that violence
Is the only form of love I'll ever know.
But I guess that goes to show that even those filled up with hope
have less than you can tell meets the eye.

And you lead me on and on and on again, you do.
You lead me on and on and on again;
I hope to God this hurts you too.
I wish I never loved you; I wish I didn't care.

Life is so degrading, and I'm pretty sure I hate it.
I gotta get myself out of this town.
Before I'm broken down, lying shattered on the ground,
For all the world to see who I am.

And you lead me on and on and on again, you do.
You lead me on and on and on again;
I hope to God this hurts you too.
I wish I never loved you; I wish I didn't care.



Jake Coco, Old T-Shirt

It's been three weeks since I've heard from you,
and my bed sheets are screaming cuz they miss you too.
It's looking like I'm sleeping alone again tonight.

I've got a clean slate waiting with your name on the chalk,
come over now baby get me outta the dark.
I'm laying here playing solitaire hoping I see you.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
because I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.

I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

I wrote ten love songs with your name in the title;
prayed to Jesus, Mary, Joseph every man in the Bible;
I'm wishing on a star even though it's only noon.

I'm watching reruns of our favorites shows,
my stomach's been hurting like nobody knows,
I'm jumping up every time I hear my phone ring.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
because I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.
I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

When you're in love, like I'm in love,
then everything is not enough.

And I'm hoping that your coming back tomorrow,
cuz I'm too in love with you to ever let this go.
I've got your old T-shirt and your mini skirt waiting for you to come back home.
I need you here, oh yes my dear, so come on home.

Jake Coco, If I were an Artist

I could paint you red, like the passion you feel

It might not be colorful, but at least it’d be real

And I could paint you green,

like the envy you know,

when you’re all alone at night

With nowhere to go

And I could paint you grey,

to show how you’re empty

To show how you don’t care

So the world can all see

And I could paint you clear,

I'd make you graceful

I'd make you beautiful

Cuz that’s what you are

And I could paint you taupe

Because they say that it’s soothing

But you’re like a drug to me

That could use some abusing

And I could paint you gold

To show you’re immortal

Would that make you honest?

Would it make you sincere?

Scarlet and Clover, all the things we talked about

Violet and green and the world in between

The grey skies in your blue eyes,

broken hearts are all that you know

I could be clear

Yeah you could see through me

And I could be beautiful

Just to be yours

Just to be….I could paint you clear,

Id make you graceful

Id make you beautiful

Cuz that’s what you are

And I could be clear, and I could be graceful

I swear Id be colorful just to be yours

If I were an artist, then I could be yours

If I were an artist, then I could be yours

Wistful

Apparently I am in a sort of wistful mood today.

I was driving home from my doctor's appointment and I heard an old favorite dance song.

May I Have This Dance by Scott Krippayne

Then I was completely surprised by a song I didn't realize I had downloaded.

So She Dances by Josh Groban

I love this song. It is beautiful. I want nothing more than to be this woman. Gorgeous song.

Tidbits

We are working on history skits in school. Names changed for obvious reasons.

George: "Miss Driver, do you like my mustache?"

Me: "Why do you have a paper mustache?"

George: "Because I am a Frenchman in the play!"

Me: "So, all Frenchmen have facial hair?"

George: "Yes!"

I continue to circle around the room and come back to this group about 10 minutes later and overhear.

Leanne: "Why do you have a beard? Frenchmen don't have beards?"

Me: (They all have mustaches, but no beards.... hmm... I love children stereotypes.)
George: (Stroking his paper beard with an incredibly serious face) "I think it makes me look distinguished."

Some song lyrics I am enjoying.

Oh come and dance with me, my baby

Let's dance, do it, go crazy

The night is young and so are we

Let's make love and dance the night away
-Debelah Morgan (A song to which I recently learned to Tango).

There are only 39 days until I graduate and 24 days until I am officially done with my responsibilities in the classroom. I'm pretty excited.

After feeling blacklisted last week at our Friday dance. I am really looking forward to trying it again. I have some confidence in my dancing back and am now willing to leave if the blacklisting continues.

Stunning

This is a video of one of the coolest nights I have ever had. This is my stunning friend Danno. He was picked out of the crowd to go up on stage with Relient K for "Sadie Hawkins Dance". I apologise for the lame video quality. I was so excited, I was shaking and the music was too loud for my poor camera to handle.

SUCK

Rest assured everyone, I suck.

I again, missed a deadline. I was supposed to have emailed my lesson plan in by 8. I realized this at 8:15. So I busted my butt and turned it in by 9:10. Suck. I swear I am not going to get my license. I am so organized in some ways, but apparently not organized in other ways. This is so unlike me. I went through a period of this last year too. I work my tail off and no matter how hard I work, I still mess up. There was a lot of stuff going on then and there is a lot of stuff going on now. Maybe I just need to put the rest of my life on hold and concentrate on student teaching. Got that everybody? Nobody do anything that could possibly effect me in any way, negatively or positively, until I am done with student teaching. I just want to graduate.

I feel like
I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here
While I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
What’s the purpose
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it
Not in the least bit
And I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can’t
Do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look
My date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet
That regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once
I noticed
I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It’s my life
And my right
To use it like I should
Like he would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know

-More Than Useless, Relient K

Mix

I am a mix of emotions tonight. Well not really. I am definitely only feeling one, but I wanted to write about how I was feeling earlier today. So God changed my perspective on student teaching. Helped me to see I should be working at it for Him and not for anyone else. He is the only one I should be seeking to please. Who cares if they don't think I am a good teacher? This is where I am at now. God has brought me to this place. I will work whole-heartedly and do the best I can, to bring him glory, until he finds somewhere else for me to be. The first half of today was rather fun. The second half was rather not fun. But oh well. At some point during the day, my mood snapped and now all I have to do is type this....

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real

Alone

Ever been completely surrounded by people and felt totally and completely alone?

I got a phone call today. In the time when I was on the phone, I felt so cared about and understood. Amy knows me, and wants to know how I am doing, really doing. She digs deep and won't let me get away with surface level answers. I love that. I have gotten used to this with her and I no longer attempt to give those kinds of answers to her. As I was on the phone, I realized how much I will miss my life on campus. I miss those coffee shop conversations. I miss emergency Amy meals. I miss people knowing me well enough that they don't let me not open up. They force me to tell them what I am thinking and actually care about my thoughts. Beyond that, they provide godly and biblical input on my thoughts and feeling. As soon as I finished the phone call, I felt totally and completely alone again. Scary feeling.

In listening to some music tonight on the ride to the hotel, I couldn't stop the tears.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”

-Praise You In This Storm -Casting Crowns

I throw up my hands.
"Oh, the impossibilities."
Frustrated and tired,
where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
Gather my inefficiencies and place them in your hands.

-For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K

Sorry, rambled thoughts from an extremely emotionally raw girl....

Radio

So Cory told me once that the reason why so few people comment on my blog as compared to his is because I don't have any fun or light stories, mine are all to heavy. I took that to heart and have been trying to come up with some fun stories... but I don't really have any, at least not that are appropriate for grandparents to read. The kids I watch say funny funny things.

Anyway, so here is another not so light post, but it is happy.

I was driving home yesterday after a long day at the Liskey house. Ben had played his guitar. I had gotten to play with Lucy. That never happens. I had a good meal. So I was driving and a song came on the radio that I have always liked. And I am not going to explain the rest of the song, but the lyrics that struck me yesterday were,

"She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes"

So anyway a thought struck me after singing that set of lyrics. I am in a good mood. I am happy. Now I am not a big fan of the word happy (it's temporal, I prefer joy, seems longer lasting, but that is the thought quote). This was kind of a odd discovery. I have been fine for a long time. But I wouldn't say that I have been in a good mood for several years. I certainly wouldn't say that I felt joyful for a really long time.

There is much that is not so great in my life now. Like the mysterious stabbing pain that has plagued the lower left side of my back for several days now, and exhaustion from late nights with a good, but very small bladder-ed dog. But I am happy. I feel freer that I have felt in a long time. I don't really know how to explain. God has opened my eyes and I see that there is joy.

More song lyrics, because they consume my free time....

"And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive"

Song

Hard to Get

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

-Rich Mullins

Pain

I hate when people post their feelings, but I just need to say it.

I hurt. Seriously and Badly. My heart is worn, exhausted, torn, and scarred.

Sorry friends, but this is the best that I have for right now. I could use some prayers.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

-Beauty From Pain Superchic[k]

Winner

Well, I think we have found a winner for the stomach problems....
I definitely don't really have anything good to say, at least nothing that can top the beaver.





I went and saw Superchic[k] and Seventh Day Slumber in concert a couple of days ago. Superchic[k] did another amazing performance, as usual. The lead singer of Seventh Day Slumber gave an amazing testimony. I had heard this once before but he went into much greater detail this time and his testimony never fails to amaze me. God truly moves and can make us all into a new creation.

It is only Monday of my spring break, so I am off to do what you are supposed to do when spending a spring break at home. I am going to lay on the couch and watch some TV.

Post

In honor of Cory always trying to get to me to name the song title or artist. We will have another music question. Five points to the first one to identify the title and artist!

This will give you just a glimpse into what I've been listening to on my iPod.

Here are the lyrics:

I'm watching everything you say,
and everything you do,
watching if you're watching me.
I bought these trendy clothes,
and cut my hair this way for you,
just to make you look at me.

But how do I deal,
with all those guys who always flirt with you?
And how should I behave when I see you walking down my way.
Should I run and scream or should I die?

My friends say there's no way,
but I still think there's hope for us.
I can't quit on her now.
I can't leave her alone,
not if we should be together.

And all this time I tell myself,
that I must have you for myself.
Yeah.
And why should I believe that anything else is true?
So what am I supposed to do?

And all this time I tell myself,
that I must have you for myself.
Yeah.
And why should I believe that anything else is true?
So what am I supposed to do?

You

I talk about the day

You walked into my life and took the shame away

I talk about your love

It's more than I could dream of

I talk about

Your face

And when I get to see it for eternity

I talk about

Up above

The heavens and I wonder what they’re made of

It's easy to figure out

What my life is all about

It's all about you

It's not about me

Wherever I go I want people to see

Your light is shining

Like the sun in everything that I do

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

You!!!!!!

I talk about your hands

And how they lift me up when I get under them

I talk about your eyes

And how they always see me even through the night

I talk about

Your voice

And how I hear you calling even through the noise

I talk about

Your arms

And how they wrap me up and keep me safe from harm

It's easy to figure out

What my life is all about

It's all about you

It's not about me

Wherever I go I want people to see

Your light is shining

Like the sun in everything that I do

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

You!!!!!!

There's no one like you....

There's no one like you....

It's all about you it's not about me (as if you should do things my way)

It's all about you it's not about me (as if you should do things my way)

It's all about you it's not about me

No No No No No No No!!!!

Yeah ! Yeah !

It's all about you

It's not about me

Wherever I go I want people to see

Your light is shining

Your light is shining

Like the sun in everything that I do

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

It's all about you

You!!!!!!