Five

Sunday morning six?

Which is more delicious: Reese's or snickers
~Snickers. I love peanut butter and chocolate, but most times Reese's just seem to taste funny.


If you had to come up with a negative thing to say about your identical twin without insulting yourself, what would it be?
~Your feet stink?

Less useful: landing on the moon or discovering the titanic
~Discovering the titanic - Yup, we sure did hit an iceberg and sink, crap. Landing on the moon was the first step of progress in further space travel.

What is your favorite dance?
~Smooth: Viennese Waltz/Tango
~Rhythm: West Coast/Rumba
~Overall: Viennese Waltz

List 5 things that make you happy.
1. Dancing
2. Liskeys
3. Water
4. Naps outside
5. Music

What is the most long-lasting impression you will take with you from your college life? Navigators?
~College life: Standing on the top of Slater Hill on the snow day seeing an innumerable amount of college kids sledding on the hill. Incredible.
~Navigators: I learned so much from Navigators, its hard to narrow it down. The importance of digging into the word. The importance of fellowship. The urgency for sharing the gospel and the excitement of spiritual generations.

WOW

I found this.
Michael Wentink.
One word. Wow.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. I am very hopeful and yet really nervous. Any prayers would be appreciated.

There are people who have access to my blog that need to remain clueless about the events of tomorrow, so please be vague if you feel the need to post back.

I am really excited about some dance stuff right now. I am trying to keep my head level. John and April, the owners of the studio, are starting to pay extra attention to me. I am hopeful that this may turn into an opportunity to teach eventually, but I am trying to remain realistic.

My dance floor is finally down, glued, nailed, and ready to dance. I plan on making full use of it tomorrow.

Down

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
This very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes it's head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To life me up again


Relient K, When I Go Down

Jaw

I woke up this morning and set my jaw.

I am done having my mood, my life, be dependent on any other person. I am tired of falling victim to guilt trips. I am tired of doing something I don't really want to do. I am tired of not enjoying what I want to do because I feel I should be doing something else.

I'm moving forward. In the direction that is important to me. I am working on my relationship with Christ and my dancing. Christ is my security. The only person who will never disappoint me. Dancing is my joy and my passion. It takes me to a different world and lets me be whoever I want to be at that moment.

Therefore, I am clearing my head. I am simplifying my life. There will undoubtedly be other portions of my life and I want other parts of my life, but I am simplifying in my mind. I am not spending any more time staying up at night worrying about things that are a waste of my time. I am actively pursing my relationship with Christ and working to improve in dance, other than that, I'll trust God to take care of the rest.

So, I am off to do some laundry, clean the house, and get ready to dance the night away tonight.

Tonight, lesson with Tim. Cha Cha group lesson and dance party. Sunday, Viennese Waltz lesson, at the ranch, followed by open dancing. I am pumped for a great weekend of dancing!

Wallflower

Yes, I know. It has been almost exactly a week since my last depressing post. Therefore, I think we are due for another one. This one might end on a positive note though, so hold tight.

Have you ever felt like a wallflower? Like you just simply blend into the background and no one notices you? Like you could leave a room and it would take the others in the room a significant amount of time to realize you were missing?

In the movie, Princess Diaries, Mia discusses how she seems to be invisible to the rest of the human population with her best friend Lilly. She states, "someone sat on me again." Later in the movie, she exclaims, "I am invisible and wet!"

She just wants to be seen. She wants to be known. She wants to be acknowledged. She wants to be separated from the wall.

I am struggling tonight with feeling: unnoticed, invisible, unworthy, ignored, unappreciated, unseen, unrecognized, unqualified, and unimportant.

I want to someone to see some value in me. I want to be worth someone's time. I want someone to pull me away from the wall.

I know God has done this for me in my life. I know my family sees some sort of value in me. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I just want something tangible. You know?

Herein lies yet another reason why I dance and why I love Thursday night dancing with Tim.

On Thursday nights, I am used to demonstrate. I am literally pulled away from the wall and everyone's eyes are on me. I am seen. I am valued for my ability and opinions. I am asked to judge what others are doing incorrectly and which moves should be done. I am asked by fellow students how to do the steps. For about three hours a week, I get to feel: noticed, visible, worthy, acknowledged, appreciated, seen, recognized, qualified, and important.

And seeing how Wednesday nights seem to be the rough night for me, I am grateful that Thursday is always soon to follow.

So until I can consistently look forward to feeling noticed, visible, worthy, acknowledged, appreciated, seen, recognized, qualified, and important, I look forward to dancing on Thursday nights.