Michigan

I wake up this morning. I come into the main room. The first thing I do is sit and stare out the window at the vast lake before me. There are just starting to be waves for the first time since I arrived on Friday. It is cloudy, but supposed to clear up by this afternoon.

I report all this rather matter-of-factly, but truly I am amazed. I can't believe I am here. It's an amazing house with an amazing bed that I am allowed to sleep in. I love the kids and enjoy being around them so much. I can't fathom how I have ended up so blessed as to be here right now.

Dawn

My dear roommate and friend always seems to know just what to say. I don't even know what I need to hear but she does.

She is an amazing encourager when it comes to my head. Many a time I have talked to her in depth about the fears I have or the discouraging things I have been told. I will give you just two examples.

1. I went to a new neurologist. He was rude and not helpful at all. His solution was to buy me a helmet with foam balls on sicks attached to it, so that I wouldn't be able to hit my head on anything. This made me ridiculously mad. I don't need to waste my time visiting a doctor when that is his best idea. He then laughs about his suggestion. He says I just plain don't know what to do with you. I have never heard of this before. Maybe we will have to come up with some new forms of therapy for you. I am beyond angry at this point, because it is really not helpful to have a doctor tell you, that you indeed at the freak you have believed you have been. --------- Dawn's response in a text message when I told her about the jerk. "You should just throw up on his shiny shoes". The perfect mixture of humor and truth. She understands that my headaches and concussions cause nausea and she made a crack about his obvious arrogance. Perfectly what I needed.
2. In response to an email I sent out to the people from the one week trip I attended which included the previous post. Dawn explained that she understood my fears about the non-Christian counseling and offered a positive out of that situation. Then in several meaningful statements she said she believed me. I didn't realize how much that meant to me to have someone on my side. To say that they knew me well enough to confidently say that they believe that I wouldn't hurt myself consciously or subconsciously. Apparently, all I needed was for someone to place their trust in me.

Thanks Dawn. For being such an amazing friend for all these years. And knowing just how to communicate with me. I love you.

Sovereignty

My neurologist has declared it impossible for me to have 18 random and accidental concussions.

He believes I am intentionally hitting my head.

He is therefore sending me to counseling (purposely, non-faith based) to see if he can dig up some deeply hidden secrets from my past that makes me want to hit my head. I was really struggling today with the idea of God's sovereignty because of that appointment.

My mom doesn't believe that suffering is part of God's original plan but she does believe that he can use it for good. In trying to comfort me from being really angry that my Doc thinks I am a masochist, my mother kept reaffirming that thought.

Therefore, I was really struggling with seeking what I believed to be the truth. All I wanted to do was to settle down with a Bible and God and hash this out. God was really faithful in providing me with just what I needed. The person I nanny for was around all day and we discussed the Truth. Then as I got off work, I turned to Romans 8:28 and was still needing more. In a desperate moment for passages that would discuss God's sovereignty, I turned to Google. I typed in verses about God's Sovereignty. The first link was a sermon on exactly what I was dealing with. It led to be passage (Like Joseph and Jesus) which showed me that pain is part of the plan.

I am so delighted at God's provision despite a really nasty day.

The Sermon

Sunday

What are you doing with your day?

• Are you using this Sunday to serve and comfort others?
• Are you using this Sunday to draw closer to Almighty God?
• Are you using this Sunday to spend time in His word?
• Are you using this Sunday to talk to your Savior and thanking him for sacrificing so you may have salvation if you believe?
• Are you using this Sunday to spread the message of the Gospel of Christ?
• Are you using this Sunday to listen to the wisdom of God and find out if there is any offensive way in you?

What do you use your day of rest for?

Do you use it selfishly all for your own gain?

Or do you use it to further the Kingdom of God?

Who is getting your best, you or God?

Does your life have a lasting purpose or is it all for earthly gain?

Just some questions to think about while sitting on your Sunday.

Victory

Victory is mine! I finished my online class. Just turned them in! Hooray! Now, I can finally read or pleasure and learn to play my guitar!

Joy

So another post for the day....

I was sitting on the couch, avoiding packing, and I began thinking about Relient K and how much I enjoy their music.

I know they have been touring with secular music groups, and I was afraid that like most Christian bands who are presented with a massive increase in pay, they would sacrifice the lyrics for the money.

So, I went to my favorite lyrics page to look at some of the old lyrics and saw their new CD's was out. I checked out the lyrics. Most of the tracks were rather ambiguous, but then again, a great deal of their music has been in the past. However, I was delightfully surprised with the last song called Deathbed. It is the most outright I have ever heard them. I can't wait to get this CD now and listen to the rest of it!

Deathbed

By; Relient K

I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
The year was nineteen forty one
I was eight years old and
Far far too young
To know that the stories
Of battles and glory
Was a tale a kind mother
Made up for her son
You see
Dad was a traveling preacher
Teaching the words of the Teacher
My mother left mourning
Went off to the war
And died there with honor
Somewhere on a beach there
But he left once to never return
Which taught me that I should unlearn
Whatever I thought a father should be
I abandoned that thought
Like he abandoned me
By forty seven I was fourteen
I'd acquired a taste for liquor and nicotine
I smoked until I threw up
Yet I still lit 'em up for thirty more years
Like a machine
So right there you have it
That one filthy habit
Is what got me where I am today
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
I got married on my twenty first
Eight months before my wife would give birth
It's easier to be sure you love someone
When her father inquires with the barrel of a gun
The union was far from harmonious
No two people could have been more alone than us
The years would go by and she'd love someone else
And I realized I hadn't been loved yet myself
And there's your typical spiel
Yeah if life was a highway
I was drunk at the wheel
I was seeing the loose ends
All fall apart
Yeah I swear I was destined to fail
And fail from the start
I bowled about six times a week
The bottle of Beam kept the memories from me
The marriage had taken a seven-ten split
Along with my pride the ex-wife took the kids
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear those sad memories
Still haunting me
So many things
I'd do again
But this is my deathbed
I lie here alone
If I close my eyes tonight
I know I'll be home
I was so scared of Jesus
But He sought me out
Like the cancer in my lungs
That's killing me now
And I've given up hope
On the days I have left
But I cling to the hope
Of my life in the next
Then Jesus showed up
Said "Before we go"
"I thought that we might reminisce"
"See one night in your life"
"When you turned out the light"
"You asked for and prayed for my forgiveness"
You cried wolf
The tears they soaked your fur
The blood dripped from your fangs
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that lamb
With every sinful bone
And there you wept alone
Your heart was so contrite
You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes
Sanctify this withered heart of mine
Stay with me until my life is through
And on that day please take me home with you"
I can smell the death on the sheets
Covering me
I can't believe this is the end
I can hear You whisper to me,
"It's time to leave
You'll never be lonely again"
But this was my deathbed
I died there alone
When I closed my eyes tonight
You carried me home
[Jon Foreman of Switchfoot sings, as the voice of Jesus:]
I am the Way
Follow Me
And take My hand
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand
And I am the Light
And for Me you'll live again
For I am Love
I am Love
I, I am Love

Reflection

Last night was amazingly fun and heart-breaking all at the same time.

Yesterday started with Super Brunch. It would be too long to explain the process of brunch growing throughout the semester, so suffice it to say, brunch is a lot of Navs getting together and fellowshiping over breakfast food.

Then we had the junior jams invaded cook-out. My class eats together every Wednesday. We decided to have a cook-out and it was invaded... big time... So we have about 30 people just below my apartment cooking out, chatting, playing sports, playing my guitar, and various other activities. It was during this event I began to have a realization.

Next we head to date night with Amy Redman., The girls that I have grown up with in college decided to meet together and insist that Amy comes for our last time all together. This basically cemented the deal.

So late last night, after talking with my roommate for an exceptionally long time, I realized yesterday was the last time I will ever see about 95 percent of those people. I tried to look around, I tried to absorb it all and enjoy every moment. But at some point, you realize. This is the end.

Leaving Purdue is very bitter-sweet. I use that word because I have heard Travis say it and enormous amount of time in the past few weeks. I am so ready for summer. I am ready to live by the Liskeys and be able to see them frequently. I am ready to live at home and take whatever stress that will undoubtedly bring from being a divorced kid. I am ready to not ever, ever, ever, have to take another exam. I am ready to start real life and experience whatever God has for me in that. But some part of me still feels like I will return here in the fall. I am not ready to leave my Navigator girls. I am not ready to eventually lose contact with most of these people because that is just a sad effect of real life. I am not ready to lose this comfort zone of being surrounded by Christians who spur me on at every turn and every event in my life. I am not ready to give up the randomness of college life. I am not ready to lose my group of girl's from last years study.

All these emotions came to a head last night. I am not a crier. I am not a very emotional person. But I am waiting for this realization of "the last time" to hit.

Sorry, this is sort of a bummer post, but that is where I am at right now.