Today

Today is the day that I admit to the rest of the world that my brain is not working. I have been struggling a great deal thinking about why God would bring me to life, give me some decent smarts to begin with, then slowly take it all away. I am almost done with the testing portion of college, and now I can't seem to pass a test. Why now? Couldn't I just have graduated first? Then maybe I could be doing something worthwhile while my brain deteriorates. I am trying to figure out what I will be useful for when I am done with school. God gave me a break last week and let me play with some kids. I felt the most at home and the most useful and the most happy I have in a long time. So, anyway, as I was getting ready this morning and resigning to the fact that I will no longer be a "normal" college student after today, a Relient K song came into my head. It used to have a much different meaning for me, but you can imagine the change in the meaning now.

Relient K

-More than Useless

I feel like

I would like

To be somewhere else doing something that matters

And I’ll admit here

While I sit here

My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What’s the purpose

It feels worthless

So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value

I can’t find it

Not in the least bit

And I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all

And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all

But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless

And when I think that I can’t do this

You promise me that I’ll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

So I say if I can’t

Do something significant

I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted

And nothing trivial

That life could give me will

Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look

My date book

Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone

And I bet

That regret

Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

I’m a little more than useless

And when I think that I can’t do this

You promise me that I’ll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless

And I never knew I knew this

Was gonna be the day

Gonna be the day

That I would do something right

Do something right for once

I noticed

I know this

Week is a symbol of how I use my time

Resent it

I spent it

Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine

Without me

Doing anything of any consequence

Without me

Showing any sign of ever making sense

Of my time

It’s my life

And my right

To use it like I should

Like He would

For the good

Of everything that I would ever know

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I would not recommend leaving a comment on this post. Just let it alone. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. This used to be my journal. Then I tamed it down for those who were reading, but it is going back to being my journal again.