Reflection

I've been thinking recently about my many late nights in the living room of Travis and Laura. As I was struggling with massive bitterness combined with low-self esteem and relationship addiction, they asked me to think about if it would be worth while to wait to get married or even remain single for the rest of my life. At the time, I was reasonably surprised at my reaction which was uncontrollable crying. I am not an overly emotional person. Strike that, I am emotional, I just don't show it often. I am one of those time bomb people. I was surprised at how quickly that idea reduced me to tears, and not just tears but sobbing and shaking. The initial questions that brought about the tears?

What if you are not married by the time you graduate?

Some of you may be rather surprised that this was once an expectation of mine. At one point in my life, I seriously believed that I would be engaged by the time I was 20 and married by the time I turned 21. And even though the pictured husband left the picture (thankfully), I still envisioned myself in a wedding dress and 21 years of age. Travis and Laura were the first people who made me face the fact that my five year plan may not happen, and it hurt. Laura, in a final blow on that night two years ago, asked me will you be willing to wait until you are 28 for the man God will bring to you. You can imagine my reaction to this question at that time.

Now, here I am, 32 days away from my graduation and 21 years old. I have missed two deadlines and will shortly miss my last call deadline. How am I dealing with this? I am simply amazed at the work God has done in me in the past two years. Granted, there are days, like tonight, when I find out another one of my friends is engaged or soon to be married, and I am reminded of my goal and I can almost hear my biological clock ticking. But on the whole, I am willing to wait.

I look at the relationships that surround me. There are a few couples who are engaged that I am fearful of their future. I know their married life will contain massive struggle because they did not wait for what God had planned for them. There are other couples who have been married for a long time, about six months, or are newly engaged, who I can look to and see that a God-centered marriage is totally worth the wait.

I do not really remember what my fears were about being single, but I assure you that my fears of an ungodly marriage are far worse than any I faced two years ago.

It may be a Navigator thing or a result of the seriously bad relationship that I was in, but I think it will be difficult to convince me of marriage now. That is not to say I don't want to get married. I do, badly. But, I want to make sure it is the right one. I hate divorce. It will not be in the cards for me, so if I make a mistake in the selection process, it is my mistake to deal with for the rest of my life. Therefore, I am not taking this relationship thing lightly. I will need to move slowly. I will need some serious praying to happen. From myself, my intended, and my friends and family. My Purdue friends will know what extra type of praying will need to take place before marriage. I will need peace.

Most of all, I will need an insane amount of patience from the man I will marry. There are still scars left from my previous relationship. The bitterness is gone, but there are still side effects from a five year unhealthy relationship. (An aside on my feelings about bitterness about exes and new relationships - Still being bitter and starting a new relationship is a bad idea. You are taking the ex with you into the new relationship. I don't care how amazing the new significant other is, bringing your ex into the relationship through bitterness will put unhealthy strain on the relationship, and chances are the new relationship will not last either.) How exactly these scars will show themselves in a new relationship, I have no idea. I have spent so much time chastising myself over the mistakes I made in the past and working to guard my heart and maintain emotional and physical purity, it may be hard for me to learn to give those away at appropriate times. My biggest fear, is falling into my same patterns and making the same mistakes. The person that I am now, is so different from who I was then, but I fear becoming who I've been. I will need a patient man to understand that and stand beside me as I am exploring what a healthy, God-centered relationship looks like.

However, I hate the idea of being somebodies burden. When I reread the previous part, I sound like high maintenance. I think to myself, yeah right, not worth it. But I love the lyrics from Rent that says, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." The best way to be patient and sympathize is to have gone through it yourself. To know the struggles and difficulties and be attune to the feelings that come with them.

This was a massive amount of rambling which I wasn't expecting. Part of me wants to delete it so I won't have to deal with comments from people, but the original purpose of this was so that I could write my thoughts. So here they are. The cartoons are added for comical breaks throughout the reading process.