Hat

I want no comments on this post. Whether online, phone, or otherwise. If you do comment online, I reserve the right to delete it guilt-free if I so choose. I started the blog to help me deal with things and I need to cope. So, if you can't handle a lack of sunshine and butterflies in my posts, then stop reading because they will not exist in this one.

We'll start with the explanation that I am wearing a hat right now. If you knew me at all during my college years, you know that does not bode well for my current emotional state. However, the hat is just another effort to make myself feel better. I can hide and be anonymous in a hat. The world cannot hurt me in a hat and everything just looks better from underneath one. But it takes a seriously bad day to send me into one. So thank you to anyone who has ever provided me with a one, it has provided me with a certain amount of refuge that nothing else can provide.

So, my mom is sick. Potentially with cancer, we have to start back over with the testing because of some knife happy local surgeons. She also has been running a nasty fever with bronchitis. My birthday is quickly approaching, I have really not had a pleasant birthday in about five years, so my hopes are not high for this one. That day has become one that I dread. I just basically was dropped off the back of the college truck with a major which I will not be using and joined the work force to work long shifts with relatively unappreciative people. There are other major sources of stress which I cannot delve into on the blog because of various readers, but allow me to assure, I was just shy of a major emotional break down at the beginning of work today. In fact, I said that exact phrase to my boss this morning as she asked how my mom was doing.

Which brings me to the straw that broke the camels back.

I posted a while ago about people who think it is helpful to comment about my acne. In case you thought that was an isolated incident. I have had about 16 of those incidences in the last two weeks. I realize these people are not doing it out of mean spirit (except the rude teenagers who snicker and giggle as I walk by) but it is not helpful. I don't understand why people think it is okay to say this stuff to me. If you are appalled by my face. Fine, make comments to your friends, chuckle about it, great. But do not let me hear it and do not assume that I choose to have my face look this way. It's not like I am not constantly thinking about it anyway. Even if I was able to forget the appearance factor. My face is in a constant state of pain due to the acne. So believe me, I don't the need comments to remind me that I am unfortunate looking, I am well aware, every second of the day.The most frequent comment involves some miracle cure, which I have already tried.

Today, the man said, "well, aren't you taking some kind of medicine for that?" Yeah, those are the first words this man said to me. I responded, "not anymore". He then proceeded to name off about six different kinds of medication, which I had all taken and they had not worked. Then he launched into various topical treatments, which I had already used. Meanwhile, this is in front of two other co-workers and a long line of customers waiting to be helped. I finally said to the man, "I've tried it all, do you honestly think if there was something that would help that I wouldn't have tried it at this point?"

And usually after an event like this, which is frequent for me, (Kids asking their moms "what happened to that girl? Why is her face like that?" People taking a double take and obviously looking at the blemishes on my face with a disgusted look. Other miracle cures. Teenagers making fun of me as I walk by saying words like disgusting and giggling to each other.) I can shake my head and pull myself back together. But today the embarrassment was too great, there was too much stuff already on my plate, and just one too many person had confirmed my deepest fear. I could not disappear. No amount of make-up can cover what I have got. I can't cover my face to eliminate any future comments. I am stuck. Ugly face and all.

And as I was driving home talking to my good friend, I said "all females are sure that they are ugly in some way shape or form, and we try our best to shut up the voices in our head, but what do you do when those voices are not in your head. When the voices are complete strangers commenting about your nasty, scarred, face. Then what?" I'll tell you what happens. The battle to shut up the voices in your head stops. The voices win. They were right all along. You are ugly. The world agrees. The voices gets louder and more vicious and attack you just where it hurts the most. And I can't do anything about it, because I have been told, by an external source, I am ugly. And this is what the voices say, "You are ugly. No male will ever find you attractive. The general public finds you to be disgusting. Don't even think about inner beauty, because no one will ever be able to get beyond the nasty exterior to see anything of value on the interior. Quit. Give up and do the world a favor and put a bag over your head."

And unfortunately no amount of external praise can ever counteract that. My friends, family, etc can say all they want that it is not true, and the voice in my head will then always tell me, "they have to say that, they're your family or friends." I am stuck believing what I have been told by sixteen complete strangers. So, if in the future, you are ever tempted to comment to anyone about some deformity, or illness, or what have you. Don't. It doesn't help. It only hurts more. Leave your mouth closed. I can assure they have done it all or tried it all and they do not need their worst suspicions confirmed. To the general public, I am nothing more than a face full of acne. The end. End of story.

I just don't understand how people feel like it is okay or even helpful.