Stab

This is one of those posts where I blog about my feelings because it always helps me to write. If you don't like those, discontinue reading. If you decide to read, please don't comment.



It's 4:22 AM. I have not slept yet and don't plan on it before I go to work in one hour.



Ever had one of those days when God just threw you a curve ball?



I have been having a rough couple of days, that much is true. But I was coping well today. I was determined not to let my usual problem, get me down. And I didn't. I was successful. I played the game the right way and was rewarded with no reverbs.



I was almost heading home feeling at peace for the first time in days. I finally felt like I could handle things. Felt like everything was out in the open and was feeling good resting in some truth.



Then, I discovered that the truth, which I had believed for a long time was in fact not accurate. One source had willfully deceived. The other unknowingly deceived. Anger instantly welled towards the first source, but the deceit is an easier pill to swallow in that case. The other's unknowing deceit left me feeling foolish, naive, and like I had been slapped in the face. The sting of the second is far worse. I had let myself believe and trust in the second based on the deceit of the first. Apparently the one falsehood told by the first, killed the trust in faith in the second.



I had started to let myself feel. I don't do emotions. Emotions are overrated. I block them out whenever possible to avoid pain, and yet, I had allowed myself to start to feel. The result? Pain. I am hurt. I am angry. I am so frustrated at God for bringing something in my life that caused some stirrings in places I thought were dead, only so that when I opened up just enough, that I could be stabbed so very thoroughly as to drain the fresh blood that had only just begun to flow in those places.



I have been trying. Really trying to follow God recently. I had fallen away for a long time, but have been clawing my way back. I have been reading the word, found a church I can go to on Saturdays to get fed, and have been praying again. And just when I was resting in God, the sins of others come and knock me out of God's cradled hands. Not that they are new sins that I was unaware of, just that they were longer lasting than I was aware of. I found I have lost trust all over again and I feel like a fool. I had already forgiven that which I knew of, but with the additional months of sin, plus the deceit on the first source's part, I find I am almost back at square one. I doubt the determination and strength of the second.

I know I must and will forgive both. However, the first is a poison that needs to be removed from my life. The second terrifies me and even more so now.

I am disappointed. I am hurt. I hate to be hurt. I hate to cry.