Disillusioned

I have always been a cynic. Not really sure when or how that started, but that is the way I have operated for a least 10 years now. My motto has long been, "better to expect and plan for the worse and be delightfully surprised, then to expect the best and be let down." A fantastic self-preservation technique and the motto has served me well for many years.

However, I have realized that the cynic in me is dying. That I'm starting to trust and believe the best in people. Part of me really like this development and part of me was screaming warnings to myself. I keep my guard up so high and so strong that I am almost impenetrable, but I could feel those walls eroding away and it scared me.

Now, I find that I have been let down. I was believing the best and found that I should have been planning for the worst. I am kicking myself for my stupidity and reassuring myself that the walls and barriers were in fact a good idea. We are after all, all sinful humans and will of course constantly let each other down. So why would I hope for someone to not let me down when it is inevitable that they will?

And yet, even as I am begging myself to refortify and repairs the walls that have started to tumble down, I find that part of me is unwilling. I am struggling between my desire to maintain my hard and tough exterior to protect myself and actually strangely enough enjoying being softer. While the idea of vulnerability and setting myself up to be hurt and disappointed sounds stupid when I am so skilled at avoiding it, I don't want to escape back into bitterness.

God has clearly been doing a work in me and I didn't see it until now, literally, as I write this. The initial intention of this blog was to be a scathing bitter tirade to express my raw emotions and then be done with it. But God had a different plan for this time of self-reflection.

It amazes me to think that only three years ago I didn't believe in love in any format. I certainly didn't believe in romantic love. I had seen a ton of marriages disintegrate and been a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I didn't believe my friends loved me. I honestly believed I was just a pity friend, someone they kept around because they felt bad for her. And worst of all I didn't believe God really loved me. I thought when God said He loved and sent His son to die for all, I imagined that He had several favorites in mind and I just sort of held on the the legs of one of those people to be included in the bunch.

But now I find and overwhelming desire to believe that there may in fact be some type of fairy tale for me. That maybe there is someone in the world who finds me attractive. Whether I am in the height of my glory or a hundred pounds over-weight, only wearing sweats, with my hair tied up and no makeup on my badly broken out face. I want to believe that God did in fact lovingly design me and created me to look exactly the way that I do and that there is a man who is designed to find me attractive.

I want to believe that God didn't just save me in the same lump as a billion other faceless blobs of flesh, but that He is actually active in every part of my life and cares about every tear that I cry and every time someone breaks through my barrier and then disappoints me. I want to believe that He has a plan for my life and He is carrying it out whether I understand the direction or not. I want to believe that my overwhelming desire to have someone truly know and understand me is in fact fulfilled in my heavenly Father and He actually desires to know me and be known by me. I want to believe all these things and for the first time in my life, I think they may actually be sinking in as truth.

I do believe that I have friends who truly love me. With no strings attached or conditions or stipulations. A very select few, but they do exist. And I find that the easiest way to feel that love is to love them as best as my heart knows how. I am forever appreciated by the constant love and support from them.

There are days like today, when I am almost overwhelmed with sadness and frustrated by letting myself be disappointed, and it's hard to focus on the broader perspective. And while the softening process hurts more than I can say and as much as I hate letting myself be wounded when I can simply avoid it by "not doing emotions," I like who I am becoming. I like the softer Kimi. I like the loss of the cynical hard-butt who never lets anyone close enough to hurt her or see her cry.

So God, continue in the molding and softening process and help me to be content and focused on you and your will in my life.