Ignorant

I realize we haven't been married very long but in the last few weeks some things have started to click. You see, the first two and a half months of Chris and my marriage was not exactly what I had imagined. We bickered a great deal about almost everything and I found I had a shorter and shorter fuse because this was not the blissful marriage I had imagined. After about a week of silent tension, I would usually explode and tell him all the things that were wrong with our marriage. Now, our dating life was not much different, but there is an extra level of stress and frustration added when the idea in the back of your head is "for the rest of my life." I could only focus on something is not right. This is not how he is supposed to relate to me. We were both frustrated. He was trying to meet the needs I was telling him that I had. He was being more romantic everyday. I saw that, but something else was missing. Neither one of us could figure it out. He was doing everything he knew how and everything I was telling him I needed, and I was doing everything I knew how. I was writing him notes in his lunch, planning special dinners, and getting little surprises for him, etc. I was loving him the only way I knew how.

This is where the problem arose. You see, I had been taught since a very young age how a man was supposed to treat a woman. He is supposed to cherish her, open doors, adore her, buy her flowers, plan surprises, plan dates, etc. But, I had never learned in specific terms how a woman was supposed to treat a man. I don't know why this lesson seems to be overlooked, but it was. I grew up with a sharp tongued family, with the exception of my mother. It was sport in our family to conjure up a hurricane of words and see who was the last one standing. Now, I should say, there was a line that we were all familiar with that was not meant to be crossed. We could all play this game most of the time without feelings getting seriously hurt. It was just in fun. I also have spent a great deal of time with children. Correcting them on their mistakes to try to help them grow to be better adults. And with this well-meaning, but nasty combination I approach my dear husband.

When I was upset, I would tell him exactly what was on my mind and hold very little back. I would basically tell him he was responsible for fixing what was wrong in our relationship. I would belittle him about those pesky man habits (i.e. un-balling his socks, putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink, putting clothes in the hamper). In my mind I was trying to be helpful. I didn't mean to belittle him, I was trying to use some humor to lesson the blow, but it wasn't coming across that way. Without realizing it, I was doing the very thing he told me he feared most about getting into a relationship with me. I was using my tongue to hurt him. Although, it was not in the overt slicing and dicing method that we both feared. It was more subtle and much more damaging because I couldn't see it happening. You see, I knew how to love my husband unconditionally. I did love him with all my heart, but I did not know how to honor or esteem my husband.

Kevin gave Chris and I a book for Christmas called Love and Respect. I was reading a book at the time and put it next on the read list. Well, I got to about a chapter and a half before the wedding and hadn't had time to pick it back up again. But I had been feeling called to read it. So I found it again and put it in my line of sight so that if I ever had extra time I would pick it back up. The concept had been working me for a few days after one of our worst stand offs in which we both just said, "I don't know what to do or how to fix this." And one day after vacation bible school, I climbed into the tub and began reading. I was terribly convicted and saw right away, my wonderful husband had been diligently working on our marriage and I saw it, but my only response was to criticize. I realized that the missing link in our marriage was not the romance factor as I once assumed, it was my attitude and treatment of Chris.

I didn't ever let him know how greatly I appreciated him, how hard he worked to provide for me, how hard he worked on the house, how much effort he put into trying to appease my every criticism, and most of all how he loved me unconditionally despite my negativity towards him. Once I decided that I was going to be his biggest fan and make sure he knew it everyday, then things began to change. Not so much in the way Chris related to me, although it seems as though I am much easier to love when I am not so negative. But, I went from finding almost everything my husband did horribly annoying and frustrating to now having a hard time coming up with anything that frustrates me about him.

I have always been terrified of going into a relationship with rose colored glasses and then finding something scary when they came off. But I did the exact opposite with Chris. I went into the relationship seeing each and every one of his faults and then in the process, I became something scary. So, after almost three months of marriage I have decided to put my rose colored glasses on. I have decided to only focus on the amazing parts of my husband and how wonderful he is. I have decided to encourage, uplift, and strengthen my husband with my words. Now I will say I am only about a week into this process and I'm sure I will struggle with my tongue. It always has been one of my biggest downfalls, but I am blessed to have God intervened so quickly in our marriage so that this cycle would not have continued longer and created bigger walls and resentment. I have never felt more in love with him or more connected to him. He is my superman, my jack-of-all-trades, my knight in shining armor, my price charming, and my everything.