Change

I can't play these games anymore.

In thinking about my life this year, I discovered something. I was growing in my faith and happiest last semester.

So, I'm making the change. See you on the flip side.



By the way, we're still looking for the best beaver name, or mom wins by default.

Wait

It seems all my life I have been waiting.

I don't want to be waiting on anyone or anything but God.

However, I don't know how to do this.

Recap

So this post will be all over the place because I have had so much thrown at me in the last couple of days. Therefore I will divide this post into sections.

Wasting Time

Is it just me or do you ever suddenly realize you're wasting time? I'm not talking about I could be doing something for work or school, but instead I'm relaxing. I'm talking about really wasting time.

This occurred to me last Sunday morning. With the help of God, I realized I had been wasting time. Not just time, but a month's worth of time. Part of this realization was getting past my recent apathetic state. It took God giving me a swift kick to my hind-quarters for me to realize I was lacking.

Now my natural response to this is to dwell on what a "bad Christian" I have been. This is rather counter productive because as I sit and think about how much farther I should be in my walk and lamenting about how I have let myself fall, I am not changing my attitude, I'm not praying, I'm not spending time in the word, and I am not letting God forgive me (simply because I can't).

However, once I let God change my heart and allow him to forgive me, I am able to begin to forgive myself. Once I decide to stop wasting time and give God back the reigns, I see the way God works and wonder why I ever start wasting time.

Coloring

This is just one way God showed himself to me. In my last post, I mentioned returning to a more child-like state. So today, in my three hundred level, college, power hour, math methods course, we are assigned to use a shape to create a drawing and then we are provided with crayons and asked to color our picture. I'm sure most of the people reading this will be unfamiliar with the significance of this, but this type of work is called tessellation. I used to do these everyday in high school to revert myself to a child-like state to pass the time during school. So for the hour and fifteen minutes which comprises a power-hour, I was assigned to color. This was unavoidable because we had to turn in our pictures. So, perhaps because I had not taken the time on my own, God assigned me to color for a period of time in my three hundred level math methods course.

Friends

Another example of God's work: Yesterday evening I was bummed, really bummed and I couldn't really explain why. My friend (who I had not seen in a month) called me because she had nothing to do that night and wanted to catch up. I was able to sit in McDonald's, play cards, and talk about things which really matter like God's plan, faith problems, and other struggles. I left this time with my future roommate on an incredible high!

Today, as I was standing outside waiting for my bus. Freezing and really needing to use the use the restroom. I had about another twenty minutes to wait, and I suddenly hear my name. I turn around to discover two more of my friends. The friend who is discipling me and the friend who is my bible study leader. It has also been a long time since I have seen both of them. They offer me a ride home because they are headed out that way and we chat all of the way home. It was so great to see both of them.

Beaver

So, I'm not entirely sure how this fits with God, other than he created the little guy, but I have had another beaver sighting. I think this must be the same beaver as before and he must live nearby. Kevin, I did try this time to take a picture; however, my cell phone was too full and I didn't have time to clear anything out. But, my phone is clean and waiting for the next beaver sighting. I think I shall name him. Let's have a contest..... What's the best beaver name you can come up with?

Moments

Sometimes little moments in life can change your mood, your direction, and your outlook.

Moment 1

Last night as I settled into bed, feeling delightfully relaxed due to my lack of homework, despite my stomach ache, I decided to watch "The Princess Diaries" (which is a movie I used to love to watch before going to sleep). The opening song to this movie, is one of my favorite songs (it kind of fits with my wonder woman/submissive self. Anyway, here are the lyrics and I will explain after.

Sometimes I have dreams
I picture myself flying
Above the clouds
High in the sky
Conquering the world
With my magic piano
Never being scared
But then I realize

I'm supergirl
And I'm here
To save the world
And I wanna know
who's gonna save me?

I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone

Seems like a dream
But there's one thing missing
nobody's here with me
To share in all that
I've been given
Never being scared
But then I realize

Hey ooh I need someone
I wont stop till
I find the one
Who will start
Belonging in my life
I need someone
I wont stop till
I find the one
Who will start
Belonging in my life

I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
who's gonna save me

I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone
I'm supergirl
I wanna know
who's gonna save me

I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world

Ok, on to the moment. So I'm laying in bed, not facing the TV, but humming along with the music. Thinking "YEAH! Who's gonna save me?" meaning this with a human guy emphasis. Then I get stuck on the word "save." And it occurs to me, I have been saved. I am not alone! God is all I need and he is my Savior, my knight in shining armor.

This thought was brought up again this morning as I am listening to Barlowgirl on my iPOD. These are some of the lyrics....

I've had enough of living life for only me
And reaching for the things
That keep destroying me
So sick of envying the lives of so many I see
Somehow believing that they have what I need

(Chorus:)
My God's enough for me
This world has nothing I need
In this whole life I've seen
My God's enough, enough for me

So in summation, the first moment was a moment of realization that I am looking for happiness in the world, and that nothing outside of God can bring that happiness.

Moment 2

So earlier yesterday I was playing around. I was in total kid mode. Laughing so hard. It was so refreshing. Explanation of significance of moment. I sometimes feel as though I am much to much of a grown-up for my tender age of twenty. I thoroughly enjoyed the break from the adult life and decided I need to do that more often. I need to color (I love to color). I need to giggle and find the silly in everything. I need to get back to the child-like, carefree Kimi.

Moment 3

This occurred last Wednesday and Thursday. So despite my true wishes, I am in the schools two days a week. Most of the time, it is barely tolerable (I really don't want to be a teacher) but it is events like this that make my classroom experience worth while. I have a heart for kids, all kids, but especially "bad" kids. I have a heart for kids who hurt or have gotten a bad wrap and take it out in their actions and attitudes for people. You see, I believe these kids are not "bad" as they are labeled, but just need someone to see them, really see them. I believe if you just spend sometime with these kids and they will open up to you and become like perfect angels.

Case in point: In school Wednesday, all of the kids who completed their assigned amount of reading were able to go to an assembly. This was rather lame and really not a reward at all, most of my kids were bored stiff. But anyway, I had one boy in my class who was not allowed to go because he did not complete his assigned reading. This kid is labeled as a "bad" kid. He gets into a great deal of trouble, does not do particularly well in school, and I have heard for myself that he has a bit of a potty mouth on him. I was left to essentially babysit this student while the classroom teacher took the rest of the students to the assembly.

This student was to write a story during this time. He was sort of just goofing around while I was supposed to be grading papers. So, I decided to start up a conversation with him to get him on track with his assignment. I asked him what he was going to write about and he lifts up a book entitle "Robots". I ask him then if he is going to write about the book, and he replies that he is not going to write about the book, but about robots. He LOVES robots. He proceeded to tell me that he has read six books about robots now and that he has already built several by himself. I ask him what they do and he says he has made some that walk and turn themselves on and off and he has even made one that uses magnets to climb up a refrigerator. He tells me this is what he wants to do when he grows up. He then tells me that he will be designing a robot in his story and make a story about it. The regular teacher walks in and he tries to look busy as though our discussion was not productive.

The next time I am at the school I am teaching a math lesson to the entire class. In the middle of one of my sentences, this same boy says to me, "Miss Driver, you're going to be an awesome teacher." I finish my sentence then turn around back to the student smile and say, "Thank you, _________." I finish the lesson and am once again grading papers. The student comes up to me and asks if I have seen his paper yet. I tell him no, but I will get to it when I get to it. He says, "no, not that paper. The math paper we just turned in." This paper was the one that went with my lesson which I collect to use as student data. I tell him I will look at it later, in case there is something inappropriate on it and I also need to finish grading the papers.

So after school, I find his paper and read it. It says again that I will be a great teacher and then it is signed with his name. It occurs to me at this point. That all it really takes to reach a kid is simply to talk to them. It was not my lesson he was commenting on, because it stunk (not being hard on myself, but we are required to use a certain format of math lesson, which I think is ridiculous and doesn't actually teach anything). He was commenting about me being an excellent teacher because I took the time to talk to him. This student just wanted to believe someone cared about him and was interested in him. Isn't that a basic human need? So synthesis of moment three: I realized I have a heart for the kids who need to know they are cared about. The kids who don't feel like anyone cares or all they attention they get is negative attention.

Ok, so those are three recent moments which have caused me to pause and dig deeper.

Beaver

I saw another Beaver yesterday. Maybe these wildlife sightings will not be so random.

Sucker

The simple pleasures of life:

I bought a sucker today. One of those really good round ones that comes in the clear plastic wrapper. I got a bubble-gum flavored one. I have been waiting all day to eat it.

I was saving it for while I was writing a paper in order to soften the blow of writing a paper.
And finally the time has arrived! I get to eat my sucker!

Wonder

Wonder of wonders..... miracle of miracles....

I wish that I could fully explain, but I just want to say God is seriously amazing.
God brought about things which I thought were seriously impossible and hadn't even thought to pray for. Very cool!

On a different note. I have discovered if you have the tiniest piece of material near the charger on your phone. The charger will not work. I was sort of stressing out just thinking about driving around without a cell phone when I discovered the piece of matter in the phone. Thank heavens for the pen cap which rescued me from driving without a phone for three of four weeks.

Pain

I hate when people post their feelings, but I just need to say it.

I hurt. Seriously and Badly. My heart is worn, exhausted, torn, and scarred.

Sorry friends, but this is the best that I have for right now. I could use some prayers.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

-Beauty From Pain Superchic[k]

Winner

Well, I think we have found a winner for the stomach problems....
I definitely don't really have anything good to say, at least nothing that can top the beaver.





I went and saw Superchic[k] and Seventh Day Slumber in concert a couple of days ago. Superchic[k] did another amazing performance, as usual. The lead singer of Seventh Day Slumber gave an amazing testimony. I had heard this once before but he went into much greater detail this time and his testimony never fails to amaze me. God truly moves and can make us all into a new creation.

It is only Monday of my spring break, so I am off to do what you are supposed to do when spending a spring break at home. I am going to lay on the couch and watch some TV.

Random

Today was a rather random day. Case in point:

1. I saw a live beaver while walking home.
2. I blew something up in my "How to teach Science" class. (This was not planned)
3. I slept for an hour and a half on a couch in the union.
4. There is a currently a show on Nick called "The Wonder Pets" which is about a duck, turtle, and hampster as superheros. (What will they think of next?)