Midnight

It is officially midnight, which means today is my first real day of student teaching. As I created my long range schedule I had mixed emotions. I feel like I will be taking over WAY too quickly and yet, there is SO much work to do in that amount of time. Overwhelming. But, I will make it. I have made it through every semester thus far, and this semester there are no exams! At least not any I have to take! So here is the beginning of my student teaching.

Yikes

Summer is almost over, I can hardly believe it. I have my first student teaching seminar on Wednesday. Although my assignment for it is already done, I am petrified to be starting. I know the sooner I start the sooner it is over, but wow, I could really keep doing this summer for a long time, like the rest of my life.

News

I heard two different bits of news today.

On flipped my future upside down and one flipped my past.

It's amazing how quickly your best laid plans can go asunder. My life was planned out at least until next summer. I had a good understanding of where I was going and what was going to happen. I had already looked ahead to see any challenges which would likely be headed my way. I was ready for my planned struggles. Well, I think God doesn't like it when I plan. So the first bit of news turned my world upside down. I will not go into detail on this one.

The second bit of news revealed truth of my past. Presenting an even greater "woulda, shoulda, coulda" into my life. I was provided with a story from a friend about a person who played a major role in my high school and beginning college years. The story I heard was about hazing, perhaps the worst account I have ever heard. I was then informed that this major role person had a major role in the hazing. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Perhaps I would have enjoyed high school more. Perhaps I would have had more friends. Perhaps I would not have neglected my true friends. It seems such a waste now. I know God did huge things in me, but I am disgusted that I was so deeply involved in the manipulation and illusion that I couldn't see the monster before me.

But through both of these bits of news, God keeps whispering to me, "I am faithful". I know he will provide for all I/We need in the future and He certainly has healed me from my past wounds. Regardless of our will, God's will is what counts. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. We can trust in him to do what is best for us, whether we believe it is best or not.

Alone

Ever been completely surrounded by people and felt totally and completely alone?

I got a phone call today. In the time when I was on the phone, I felt so cared about and understood. Amy knows me, and wants to know how I am doing, really doing. She digs deep and won't let me get away with surface level answers. I love that. I have gotten used to this with her and I no longer attempt to give those kinds of answers to her. As I was on the phone, I realized how much I will miss my life on campus. I miss those coffee shop conversations. I miss emergency Amy meals. I miss people knowing me well enough that they don't let me not open up. They force me to tell them what I am thinking and actually care about my thoughts. Beyond that, they provide godly and biblical input on my thoughts and feeling. As soon as I finished the phone call, I felt totally and completely alone again. Scary feeling.

In listening to some music tonight on the ride to the hotel, I couldn't stop the tears.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”

-Praise You In This Storm -Casting Crowns

I throw up my hands.
"Oh, the impossibilities."
Frustrated and tired,
where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
Gather my inefficiencies and place them in your hands.

-For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K

Sorry, rambled thoughts from an extremely emotionally raw girl....

Michigan

Amazing, as always.



Up late, really late every night. We're talking 3 or 4 AM.

Frisbee on the beach at night with a light-up disc.

Praying on the waters edge at night.

Swimming past the sand bar and praying (dependent on God to keep me afloat).

Tate saying to me, "you're going down Kimi Gibbler".

Cracking jokes with Allyson.

Watching random u-tube videos.

Listening to Jack sing "All in All" in the car.

Henna tattoos.

Looking at a beautiful garden in Saugatuk.

Spending time with some of my best friends.

Having Tate and Lucy not only remember a game I played with them four weeks ago, but remember the song I sang during the game, and sing along with me.

Seeing baby Liam smile when I walk into a room.

Watching Pirates of the Caribbean on a huge blow up mattress with four of us piled on top and one behind on the couch.

Being understood and loved without any need for speech.

Listening to Ben preach.

Sweet job.

View

The view from where I sit:

A one year old, holding a rather large foam pirate sword and a tennis ball.
A large black dog watching the ball.

The one year old throws the ball (about a foot). It is retrieved by the big black dog and taken to a different location away from the one year old. The one year old follows and proceeds to hit the dog on the head with the foam pirate sword (hard), until the big black dog relinquishes the tennis ball.

The story ends with the big black dog taking the tennis ball into the big black chair and sitting on it. With the child sitting in front of the dog repeating "ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba" for the following three minutes...

Yup, I love to spend my summers this way.

Thoughts

I do not want to do anything out of God's will.

That said, waiting for and deciphering God's will is really difficult sometimes.

I firmly believe that God gives me a flat out kick in the butt sometimes to assure me of and turn me back to his will for my life. I also believe that God often whispers His will or even waits to reveal it to me until he is sure I will not accept anything that is not of His will.

I have two problems with that. One, I suck at listening for the still small voice. My life is too loud, my own thoughts are too loud, and I just can't seem to focus on that quiet voice. Two, I really want to follow God's will, but sometimes I like to think that just because I will it, must mean God wills it too. Not the case. Ecc 5:7 So I am not a patient waiter so I impose my own will and call it God's, instead of waiting to be sure of what comes from Him.

I am thankful for friends who kick me in the butt (Dawn) when they see I am following my own will and not God's. I believe He placed people like that in my life to quiet my heart and mind so I can listen and wait. All in all, it comes down to what Carrie has always said to me, "Be still."

So, here I sit, being still and waiting for God to give me some direction. Not even a toe of movement in any direction until God shows me His will for my life. I simply cannot trust my heart. Jer 17:9

Cory

I must say I cannot wait until December. When Kevin, Cory, and I can once again be united. Cory really is the key to the random fun times. Kevin and I can be fun and random at times, but we are not match for Cory. Throw him into the mix and it is bound to be a good time.

Assortment

I don't really have any one thing worthy of a post, but I have several bits of stuff.

Tate: While in Michigan watching the Liskey kids, I got to be a favorite of the two youngest boys. I assure you that has all changed again and neither really want anything to do with me when mom or dad is around. Anyway, I did not get a great deal of sleep while I was there, all kids were sick and some where home sick. Alright enough background information. Tate was sleeping so I headed into our room to nap while he was asleep. I walked in and he was staring at me. (poop). I smiled at him, told him I wasn't feeling well so I was going to come in and lay down. I asked him if he was ready to get up and he said no. So I went to the bathroom. I came back in and saw him scooting in his bed. I thought it was odd, because all the Liskey kids like to sleep in the middle of the bed, but headed for my bunk. He then said I scooted over for you. I stared at him and contemplated telling him I wanted to lay in my own bed. But then he patted the pillow for me to lay on and gave me the sweetest smile. How could I not. So I climbed into bed with him. Now my head still felt like exploding, but so did my heart. There is nothing better than the love of a child.

Cory: I am really really really excited to see my brother and to go on a brother/sister date and get a clenilla steamer.

PT: I went and talked to PT the other day. PT being Pastor Tim. He is an amazing man. He is so incredibly biblically based and so wise. I am so glad mom and I switched to this church. It feeds me and is refreshing each week.

Calli: My puppy is huge. She doubled in size while I was in Michigan. She still is small. But seems so much bigger now. She is full of energy and is having the puppy life she should have had. She is still sick, but I hope someday soon she will be worm free.

Friends

For the past week and a half I have felt rather alone. I never thought I was one who depended so deeply on contact with my friends, but I do. I have been basically out of contact with all of my friends from Purdue for the whole summer. Carrie has been gone on a mission trip. While Ben has been around after work, I haven't really been able to talk to him much.

Carrie is my heart. When I am struggling to put something into perspective she provides usually one sentence which is just what I need to hear to show me the truth. She gives me energy and joy. I adore her. I can go to her house feeling completely exhausted, destroyed, and overcome and leave with a smile on my face and laughing at some comment. She provides me with a glimpse of Christ's unconditional love. Through stupid times of neglecting our friendship and letting a bad relationship take precedence, she was still there loving me and welcomed me back once I regained my senses. She has invested in my life greatly and shown me the love of God and has shown me how to follow and make my relationship with Christ my own. I can't imagine my life without Carrie as a part of it.

Dawn, my dear roommate, made a wonderful effort to try to see me on Tuesday. It turned out miserably, but it was great to have someone to make such an effort for me. Dawn has shown me incredible love. She regularly would search her quiet time to come up with some name to call me. Such as, My wonderful roommate who has been endowed with the splendor. She was there when I didn't believe in love and she encouraged me and cried for me and stood by me. She watched and helped me to overcome my bitterness. She has challenged me in my faith and been a wonderful example. She calls me out when I am being stupid. She is blunt. She thinks this is a bad thing, but it is sometimes the only way to get through to me.

I find that my life just feels empty without being able to talk to these two. God has blessed me greatly to have these two wonderful women in my life. But, it is very hard to go without them.