Wistful

Apparently I am in a sort of wistful mood today.

I was driving home from my doctor's appointment and I heard an old favorite dance song.

May I Have This Dance by Scott Krippayne

Then I was completely surprised by a song I didn't realize I had downloaded.

So She Dances by Josh Groban

I love this song. It is beautiful. I want nothing more than to be this woman. Gorgeous song.

Challenge

It has been an amazing weekend.

I was able to watch several of my friends compete this weekend and see absolutely incredible dancing.

I danced hustle in front of about 300 people. I followed everything and didn't mess up any of my steps. I have a video, but only a precious few people will see it for purposes other than watching me dance.

Dancing tonight gave me a glimpse of a life I really want. It was incredible to be dancing and thinking, yes, this is it. This is something I want to do for the rest of my life. Odd occurance.

I think April is being sneaky. I'm pretty sure of it. I can see her being a schemer and I am pretty sure I was part of a scheme tonight. Oh well! I enjoyed every minute of it.

My favorite song for the evening went with one of my favorite Pro-Am dances....

All I Ask of You -Phantom of the Opera

RAOUL

No more talk of darkness,

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here, nothing can harm you

my words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom,let day

light dry your tears.

I'm here with you, beside you,

to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE

Say you love me every waking moment,

turn my head with talk of summertime...

Say you need me with you now and always...

Promise me that all you say is true

that's all I ask of you

RAOUL

Let me be your shelter

let me be your light

You're safe, No one will find you

your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE

All I want is freedom,

a world with no more night

and you, always beside me,

to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL

Then say you'll share with me

one love, one lifetime

let me lead you from your solitude

Say you need me with you here, beside you...

anywhere you go, let me go too

Christine, that's all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...

say the word and I will follow you...

Share each day with me,

each night, each morning...

Say you love me...

RAOUL

You know I do...

BOTH

Love me - that's all I ask of you

Anywhere you go let me go too

Love me - that's all I ask of you...

I'm pretty sure I want to dance to this song during my wedding reception. Yeah, my mind is running like crazy tonight. Having a video to relive it doesn't really help either.

Dance

I'm beginning to think that Miranda was right, and worse than that, I am beginning to be okay with that.

Dancing is so much fun, to do, to watch.

Love it!

Whew

Ok, so this guy was in the store again today.

I tried my best to stay clear of him, but there I was stuck behind the register and he comes almost running up to me. I instantly start backing away and trying desperately to find some excuse to do something that could take me away from him.

However in a rather angry voice, I hear "Where is the manager for this place?" I happen to be standing next to the manager on duty and I point at her and conitnue to back away.

He is violently angry about some kids selling candy outside our door. We have already heard about it and sent Tom to go yell at the kids. Apparently, they haven't left. The guy goes back to look for Tom.

He returns even more angry and yelling this time about how it is just not right. He works hard for his money and doesn't want to have to deal with it. He then yells if we do not do something about it, he will handle it himself. The manager on duty is alarmed at this statement. I take over the transaction she is working on and she follows him.

As he is walking with her towards the back of the store, I hear him yell, "You have a ton of problems in the store tonight. There is a couple making out over there in the erotica section."

I hear nothing for almost a half hour and then the manager returns to tell me that she has handled the candy selling kids and warned the couple and the angry guy has left.

I then explained to her who this guy is and how glad I am that I never took him up on his offer.

Wait

Sometimes best action is inaction.

Sometimes the only way to make sure something is done right is to let go of it.

Sometimes the only answer is to wait and give it up.

So, here I am, totally confused.

I feel as though I am simultanuously being pulled in two opposite directions.

Several years ago, in some desperate prayers, I asked God to force His will upon me. I do not trust my own mind. I am too weak and too flawed and this is too important a decision to make a mistake. Therefore, God will have to force His will upon me because I am not going to do anything. I choose inaction. God can drop either option in my lap, or not, but I am not working towards any option. I'll wait and give it up to Him who knows WAY better.

Swing

Apparently I am starting to swing back. My friend Miranda at work called it. She told me I would.
A song from Finian's Rainbow comes to mind. "If I'm not near the girl...."

In other news, I find I am completely addicted to a hustle song... Mom knows the one I am talking about. I listen to it about five times a day, sometimes all five are back to back.

Creepy old man John, tried to show me his butt in too tight of pants tonight. I put my head down and wouldn't look at him. I then shot back a couple of quick, discouraging comments and I think I surprise him. Good. Maybe he'll leave me alone.

I am getting a jacket from Premiere. I can hardly wait. Is that pathetic? It will have their logo and my name on it. Yup, pathetic, but I am okay with it.

I was running at 101 degree temperature this morning and throwing up, but I went to work so that I could go to the latin basics class tonight.

Yup, I am obsessed.

Echo

I had a thought tonight, I am afraid to want or hope for anything. Now, unless you are Dawn Taylor, that will not mean much of anything to you, but I can't even imagine how many times I heard Dawn say this last year. It was odd to hear her voice echo in my own head.

That's it. Just wanted to share my feeling of deja vu.

Hat

I want no comments on this post. Whether online, phone, or otherwise. If you do comment online, I reserve the right to delete it guilt-free if I so choose. I started the blog to help me deal with things and I need to cope. So, if you can't handle a lack of sunshine and butterflies in my posts, then stop reading because they will not exist in this one.

We'll start with the explanation that I am wearing a hat right now. If you knew me at all during my college years, you know that does not bode well for my current emotional state. However, the hat is just another effort to make myself feel better. I can hide and be anonymous in a hat. The world cannot hurt me in a hat and everything just looks better from underneath one. But it takes a seriously bad day to send me into one. So thank you to anyone who has ever provided me with a one, it has provided me with a certain amount of refuge that nothing else can provide.

So, my mom is sick. Potentially with cancer, we have to start back over with the testing because of some knife happy local surgeons. She also has been running a nasty fever with bronchitis. My birthday is quickly approaching, I have really not had a pleasant birthday in about five years, so my hopes are not high for this one. That day has become one that I dread. I just basically was dropped off the back of the college truck with a major which I will not be using and joined the work force to work long shifts with relatively unappreciative people. There are other major sources of stress which I cannot delve into on the blog because of various readers, but allow me to assure, I was just shy of a major emotional break down at the beginning of work today. In fact, I said that exact phrase to my boss this morning as she asked how my mom was doing.

Which brings me to the straw that broke the camels back.

I posted a while ago about people who think it is helpful to comment about my acne. In case you thought that was an isolated incident. I have had about 16 of those incidences in the last two weeks. I realize these people are not doing it out of mean spirit (except the rude teenagers who snicker and giggle as I walk by) but it is not helpful. I don't understand why people think it is okay to say this stuff to me. If you are appalled by my face. Fine, make comments to your friends, chuckle about it, great. But do not let me hear it and do not assume that I choose to have my face look this way. It's not like I am not constantly thinking about it anyway. Even if I was able to forget the appearance factor. My face is in a constant state of pain due to the acne. So believe me, I don't the need comments to remind me that I am unfortunate looking, I am well aware, every second of the day.The most frequent comment involves some miracle cure, which I have already tried.

Today, the man said, "well, aren't you taking some kind of medicine for that?" Yeah, those are the first words this man said to me. I responded, "not anymore". He then proceeded to name off about six different kinds of medication, which I had all taken and they had not worked. Then he launched into various topical treatments, which I had already used. Meanwhile, this is in front of two other co-workers and a long line of customers waiting to be helped. I finally said to the man, "I've tried it all, do you honestly think if there was something that would help that I wouldn't have tried it at this point?"

And usually after an event like this, which is frequent for me, (Kids asking their moms "what happened to that girl? Why is her face like that?" People taking a double take and obviously looking at the blemishes on my face with a disgusted look. Other miracle cures. Teenagers making fun of me as I walk by saying words like disgusting and giggling to each other.) I can shake my head and pull myself back together. But today the embarrassment was too great, there was too much stuff already on my plate, and just one too many person had confirmed my deepest fear. I could not disappear. No amount of make-up can cover what I have got. I can't cover my face to eliminate any future comments. I am stuck. Ugly face and all.

And as I was driving home talking to my good friend, I said "all females are sure that they are ugly in some way shape or form, and we try our best to shut up the voices in our head, but what do you do when those voices are not in your head. When the voices are complete strangers commenting about your nasty, scarred, face. Then what?" I'll tell you what happens. The battle to shut up the voices in your head stops. The voices win. They were right all along. You are ugly. The world agrees. The voices gets louder and more vicious and attack you just where it hurts the most. And I can't do anything about it, because I have been told, by an external source, I am ugly. And this is what the voices say, "You are ugly. No male will ever find you attractive. The general public finds you to be disgusting. Don't even think about inner beauty, because no one will ever be able to get beyond the nasty exterior to see anything of value on the interior. Quit. Give up and do the world a favor and put a bag over your head."

And unfortunately no amount of external praise can ever counteract that. My friends, family, etc can say all they want that it is not true, and the voice in my head will then always tell me, "they have to say that, they're your family or friends." I am stuck believing what I have been told by sixteen complete strangers. So, if in the future, you are ever tempted to comment to anyone about some deformity, or illness, or what have you. Don't. It doesn't help. It only hurts more. Leave your mouth closed. I can assure they have done it all or tried it all and they do not need their worst suspicions confirmed. To the general public, I am nothing more than a face full of acne. The end. End of story.

I just don't understand how people feel like it is okay or even helpful.

Excited

I start lessons with Tim tomorrow. I can hardly wait! More stories to come I'm sure.

Busy

Yup, I'm pretty sure I am busier than ever before. It amazes me, but I am learning to balance. I guess that is part of post-undergrad life.