Work In Progress

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Dream

Pathetic who sings the song, but right where I am at right now.


I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
But theres a voice inside my head sayin
You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
lost with no direction
My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high

Theres always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
I Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,


There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

Yeah-yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side
It's the climb

Yeah-yeah-yea

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
Baby

It's all about
It's all about the climb
Keep your faith
Keep your faith


-Miley Cyrus

Surprise

Have I ever mentioned I hate surprises? With a passion? Thought I had a week left before Ray came so I could have a few more hours to work on my Viennese. April just called. He's here tonight and my lesson is at 9. I have a bum leg and am so not ready. Surprise. Crap!!

Hectic

Wow. I just realized that I haven't blogged in a long time nor have I read anybody else's blogs. So I did some reading catch up and thought I would explain my absence.

First: I have another showcase coming up. I picked a dance that is without a doubt my weakest in order to challenge myself. My instructor picked choreography that is way way way over my head. So I am busting my butt to try to be ready. Showcase is May 17th. I have a lesson with Ray to prep for the showcase on April 22nd, so I have to get a huge chunk of it done and ready to be critique by then. Yikes. Between Monday and Tuesday, I had spent 7 hours in the studio practicing. I have been dancing at every opportunity possible to further develop technique and skill to get me closer to me end goals.

Second: Easter is coming. It is without a doubt the busiest time in the church. Last weekend for example, I was at the church on Sunday from 7:30 AM to 9:30 PM. Long day. I had regular church stuff, taught dance at the church for a couple hours, then had to set up and run "The Bunny Hop" for the remainder of the evening.

Third: A very dear friend of mine is in a very bad place right now. I don't really want to disclose too much information on here, but he is not well and my closest friend in the world is his only advocate right now. So I have been trying to help out where I can and stay informed.

Fourth: I have resumed as rigorous of a workout schedule as time will allow again. I am headed to San Diego California in July to spend some time training with Ray Rivers in his own studio and spending some time on the beach. Therefore, I need to get a better beach body and improve my core strength for several concentrated hours of coaching with Ray. I am really really looking forward to this trip, as it will be the first real vacation I have ever taken.

Fifth: VBS is just around the corner. Ok, its in July but the preparations for VBS have already begun. I also have to find teachers for the summer for Sunday School and try to line some up for the Fall. Busy Busy Busy.

Sixth: I am still trying to maintain some sort of a social life and spend as much time with Liskeys and dance friends as possible.

Seventh: Still doing early morning Job which messes up my sleep schedule and means I am sleeping while most people are awake.

Determined

Things on the Determined List:

  • Tell John and April I want to teach and ask what I need to do to get there.
  • Take more lessons with Ray.
  • Practice no less than 4 hours a week in the studio outside of regular groups and private lessons.
  • Focus on technique
  • Work on Arm styling and Facial Expressions
  • Do not settle for inadequacy in my dancing
  • Watch more dance videos
  • Watch and observe instructors during groups and parties to pick up technique
  • Read my bible everyday
  • Go to church every Saturday
  • Stay positive about church job and continue to work as though for the Lord
  • Stay on top of my laundry
  • See Liskeys as much as possible
  • Keep house cleaner
  • Save as much money as possible for dance
  • Lose twenty pounds by July.
  • Lose twenty more pounds by December.
  • Start eating more vegetables and fruits
  • Drink a Nalgene full of water everyday

Rivers

I sure do love when Ray's in town. I had a great couple of nights of dance. It's amazing how much he has caused me to improve from just group lessons. I can't wait to take more coaching from him.

He finally knows my name! That's a seriously exciting thing for me. I have moved well beyond "girly". YES!

Stab

This is one of those posts where I blog about my feelings because it always helps me to write. If you don't like those, discontinue reading. If you decide to read, please don't comment.



It's 4:22 AM. I have not slept yet and don't plan on it before I go to work in one hour.



Ever had one of those days when God just threw you a curve ball?



I have been having a rough couple of days, that much is true. But I was coping well today. I was determined not to let my usual problem, get me down. And I didn't. I was successful. I played the game the right way and was rewarded with no reverbs.



I was almost heading home feeling at peace for the first time in days. I finally felt like I could handle things. Felt like everything was out in the open and was feeling good resting in some truth.



Then, I discovered that the truth, which I had believed for a long time was in fact not accurate. One source had willfully deceived. The other unknowingly deceived. Anger instantly welled towards the first source, but the deceit is an easier pill to swallow in that case. The other's unknowing deceit left me feeling foolish, naive, and like I had been slapped in the face. The sting of the second is far worse. I had let myself believe and trust in the second based on the deceit of the first. Apparently the one falsehood told by the first, killed the trust in faith in the second.



I had started to let myself feel. I don't do emotions. Emotions are overrated. I block them out whenever possible to avoid pain, and yet, I had allowed myself to start to feel. The result? Pain. I am hurt. I am angry. I am so frustrated at God for bringing something in my life that caused some stirrings in places I thought were dead, only so that when I opened up just enough, that I could be stabbed so very thoroughly as to drain the fresh blood that had only just begun to flow in those places.



I have been trying. Really trying to follow God recently. I had fallen away for a long time, but have been clawing my way back. I have been reading the word, found a church I can go to on Saturdays to get fed, and have been praying again. And just when I was resting in God, the sins of others come and knock me out of God's cradled hands. Not that they are new sins that I was unaware of, just that they were longer lasting than I was aware of. I found I have lost trust all over again and I feel like a fool. I had already forgiven that which I knew of, but with the additional months of sin, plus the deceit on the first source's part, I find I am almost back at square one. I doubt the determination and strength of the second.

I know I must and will forgive both. However, the first is a poison that needs to be removed from my life. The second terrifies me and even more so now.

I am disappointed. I am hurt. I hate to be hurt. I hate to cry.

Thoughts

A few more stories from the Challenge.

On Saturday morning, while I was heading over the the bullpin for one of my heats some random lady stopped me. She said to me, "I just wanted to let you know that you look absolutely beautiful in your dress and I have been watching you yesterday and today and I think you are doing an amazing job!" I could have kissed her! I was so discouraged by my dancing the day before and feeling very fat and ugly. She made me feel amazing!

I just talked with Debbie tonight. That is Tim's other student. She just told me that the Newcomer heats that Tim put us in on Saturday morning, he paid for them all, out of his own pocket. That is seven extra heats. Three for Debbie and Four for me. Each heat is thirty-five bucks a pop. Incredible. No other instructor would do that for his students. He knew I was discouraged by the day before and Debbie had not received any award stickers and she really wanted one. I am floored that he would do that for us.

So here are my overall thoughts about the competition.
  • I was able to see just how much work I have ahead of me. It gave me the swift kick in the butt I needed to continue to work as hard as possible. Everyday to get better and better. I was also able to watch people who were strong in the areas of my weaknesses and be able to see exactly what I need to be doing better.
  • I was able to get a glimpse of the life I want to have. It gave me the taste of living a life in the world of ballroom and I love it and want it! I love the ballroom, the gowns, the chandeliers, the people, the music, the movement. I want it all!
  • I was incredibly pleased with my instructor for the entire weekend. He behaved exactly as I would have wanted my instructor to behave. He was by my side the entire weekend and talking to me about the dancing we were seeing. He was encouraging me while I was competing and helping me to laugh to de-stress when it wasn't going well. He stepped up in a huge way and gave Debbie and I and incredible gift to boost our confidence. He was willing to hear the long laundry list of things Debbie and I want to work on in the coming months and was excited at the prospect of getting better.
  • I was pleased to discover I had lost more weight then the scale showed and I am changing shapes. That knowledge and seeing lots of half naked women gave me the encouragement I needed to keep losing weight and set a goal for next year's challenge.
  • The Challenge provided and amazing opportunity which I will never forget and hope to relive many times. It stretched me so much further than I knew I could go. I stretched my body physically to its very limits. I stretched my girly side and found today that I missed looking like a girl. I stretched my emotions and internal strength and learned to fight nerves and work to maintain a positive outlook in the face of failure. I stretched my imagination further into the dream I have for myself which I am even more unwilling to give up on.
  • There are pictures of me online taken by professional photographers and the smile on my face in some of the pictures are pure evidence of the joy I get from dancing. I am so pleased with what I am doing and pleased that someone was able to capture the sheer joy I felt during those days.

Three

Indiana Challenge - Saturday

I woke up at 5:30 AM to begin the process of getting ready. Shower, Make-Up, Fake lashes, and getting dressed. Shawn did my hair again. I headed downstairs at seven feeling much calmer than I did the day before. I think having a clearer understanding of where I was going to stand took the pressure off. I was competing against the same girls as the day before so I expected not to place and was simply going to enjoy the time. Tim and I did our warm up and I put my warm up clothes back on thinking I had a significant amount of time before my first heat.

Tim finished practicing with Debbie. They cleared the ballroom and we came back in and sat down. Tim disappeared for a few minutes. That was unnerving for me. He reappeared and told me that he had put Debbie and I in the newcomer level today. He hadn't done it previously because the cut off is supposed to be 50 hours of lessons, Debbie and I had both gone over this amount, but as we had seen the day before, that apparently was not a rule they stuck to. Therefore, Tim added a bunch of heats for us that we did not have to pay for. My third surprise for the weekend from Tim. (He shaved his goatee, entered me in the compulsory event on Friday, and then added these heats)

So I quickly took of my warm ups and got ready to go. There are no call backs in newcomers. I headed out to the floor. We did Waltz, Tango, Foxtrot, and Viennese Waltz. I felt good. In fact at one point during the Viennese as I was looking up at the chandeliers I thought "This is a living the dream moment". I was completely happy to be where I was and doing what I was doing at that exact moment. It was amazing! I was pleased with my dancing, as we headed back to our seats I was greeted with approval from the people from my studio. John told me my dance position looked great and that he was proud of me. Big words coming from John!

First awards ceremony. I got third place in all three of my newcomer dances. I finished directly behind the girl Tim and I had researched. I was really really pleased with that placement. Then I did my bronze 1 heats. I did the same dances. This time I got a call back on my foxtrot. Which means I was in the top six out of eleven girls. I was pretty pleased with that as well! Second award ceremony and I didn't place but I felt very very good. Bronze 2 heats - no call backs. No awards. But I had lots of fun and didn't want to stop dancing. It was a great time! I was pleased to know I finished right after someone who was dancing at the open silver level.

I headed upstairs to change clothes and remove some makeup and head out to meet Carrie and Danno and company for lunch for Danno's birthday. I struggled a little bit with the quick change and had some culture shock issues. I headed back to the hotel and started getting ready for dinner. Saturday night is another gown, typically even dressier and an amazing dinner. After dinner, we headed down to the ballroom for some more competition. My favorite pro couple were there again competing a multi-dance latin comp. I was completely thrilled to be able to watch them.

Then there was the professional show. I had already seen this couple several times and I was not so thrilled. They do more lifts and tricks than actual dancing, so I was a little bored with them. The show ended and April started asking around for a camera. When I asked what she was doing she said she wanted to go take pictures with my favorite pro couple. I begged to tag along feeling fully like a groupy. We searched the hotel and right as we were about to give up, they came out. They were very nice (although I doubt how much they understood our talking) and we got pictures. We all did some very girly excited dancing once they left. I felt like a twelve year old girl meeting N*SYNC. This is the most star struck I have ever been.

Then we sat around and talked for a little bit and headed upstairs to our room. Normally I would have stayed up and talked, but I was wiped from all of the adrenaline and lack of sleep. I went to sleep around 3:30 AM, which was not too much later than the show ended.

Sunday Morning

I woke up at 9:00 AM and got dressed in pants! It was amazing to put on pants first thing in the morning. I headed down to the ballroom to watch the kids compete. They were truly amazing. I left the Radisson around 3:30 PM totally exhausted but not ready to return to the real world.

It is late and I am tired. I will write my overall reactions to the weekend tomorrow in a separate post. But this is the general results.

Two

Indiana Challenge - Friday

My alarm was set for 4:45 AM, but I woke up in full panic at 4:30 AM. I got up and got in the shower. Then started the process of make-up, fake eye-lashes, and getting dressed (which involves way more than you could ever want to know). Fortunately, my friend Shawn had agreed to do my hair in a style we had seen the night before once I got to the Radisson.

I finished getting ready and left the house at 6:50. A whole twenty minutes later than I had intended. Glad I woke up early. I got to the Radisson at 7:10 AM and headed straight to the ballroom. I set down my bags and got my hair stuff out for Shawn to do it. Tim showed up and warmed up with Debbie. Shawn finished my hair and Tim took me out on the floor to warm up. They cleared the ballroom and we all re-entered with our tickets. More warm up. My warm up was sloppy and I tried not to panic.

My first three heats came and went in the Bronze 1 Category. This is the level right about very very very beginner. Cha-Cha, Rumba, East-Coast Swing. I followed well and I was really into the Swing. We finished and went off the floor. The posted the call backs. I was not called. I was a little perplexed and my confidence was crushed. I thought I had danced really well.

My next heat was coming up. Bolero - Bronze 1. We headed out to the floor, but for some reason we weren't sure whether it was my heat or not. They were skipping around in the order a lot. We stopped and asked the person in charge of the bull pin which heat they were on. They said heat 143. I was heat 153. We walked back off the floor. As it turned out, that was in fact my heat. I missed it. The entire weekend, they counted the numbers of couples on the floor and called the number of missing couples, but not my heat. Nope, they didn't wait for us.

Next two heats. Salsa and West Coast Swing. I had one other person competing against me in the Salsa and it was just me for the West Coast Swing. I was kinda bummed to not have any competition on my West Coast because I believe it is my best dance. I did my salsa and west coast and headed off the floor.

First awards ceremony. I didn't place in my first three dances. No surprise because I didn't make call backs, but I was feeling like I was a terrible dancer. I, of course, didn't place for my bolero because I didn't dance. I got a second out of two for the Salsa and a First out of just me for my West Coast. Basically participation awards. Although I found out later that they are supposed to actually grade you still and give you an estimated placement.

We watched the dances until my next heats and noticed a lot of people were doing illegal moves that were above the level they were competing at. I was frustrated. Tim and I dumbed down the stuff that we normally do, so that we would be in the level I was competing. You are supposed to be docked points for dancing out of the category.

At this point I was really bummed and didn't want to go out again. I would now be dancing all the same dances at a higher level against better dancers. I knew I would not placed so I was determined to just have fun and try to get into the music. So same first three dances and didn't make call backs. Big surprise. The callbacks were the heats right before my bolero. So as I headed out for my bolero, all of the same girls who had smoked me in the first three were already out. I was distraught. Tim saw it and tried to boost my confidence. It was during this dance I made my one mistake for the entire weekend. I didn't follow on one cross-over break. I wasnt too upset by that because I knew I would not have placed anyway.

Then I had an uncontested Salsa and West Coast. At this point I figured that since I was uncontested that Tim and I could have some fun so at my request he threw in two or three illegal moves in. I was pleased.

Awards ceremony. I didn't place in my first four dances and got a First in my Salsa and West Coast because it was just me competing. I was bummed and really really done dancing for the day, but Tim had signed me up for a compulsory event which he didn't tell me about until the day of the competition. I would be dancing cha-cha and rumba and you are only allowed to do five different figures this is to test technique. As I write this, it occurs to me that this is a big complement from him that he believed my technique was that up to par. I was uncontested again for this heat so I took a First again in the awards ceremony.

I watched a few more events and then went up to my hotel room to change into pants for a few hours.

Friday Night was pleasant. I had to be in a gown for about six hours, but the dancing was amazing. We had a buffet dinner and then watched a professional showdance competition in which my absolute favorite professional competed and won. Then I watched some of the Latin events that my friends were competing and headed upstairs to try to get some sleep.

I had just fallen asleep and my roommates came in and woke me up. They fell asleep within five minutes, but I was up for another two hours. I was not happy. I fell asleep around 2:30 AM


During Friday night, Tim looked through the program book to research the girls I competed against. He looked at one name in particular. We discovered that she competed in Open Silver. Ballroom dance competition is supposed to be leveled. Starts with newcomer. Then bronze 1, bronze 2, full bronze, closed bronze, open bronze, silver 1, silver 2, closed silver, open silver, and open gold. Then you move into getting to the process of becoming a professional competitor. So, this girl competed in newcomer on up to open silver in three different age levels, which means she wiped out a ton of people. Not fair and not cool in something that is supposed to be a "gentleman's sport." I felt a little better knowing that the reason I didn't place was because I was competing against a bunch of girls who were way way way above my level.

One

Indiana Challenge - Thursday

After getting about two hours of sleep prior to this day due to packing and finishing work on dresses, I went to the Challenge at about 5 PM. My plan was to watch April and John and their partners in the "Dancing with the local stars" contest and buy some fishnets for the next day. I got there more than early enough and as I was walking into the ballroom, a heat was just beginning. Which means that couples were walking out onto the floor. I had a instant panic attack realizing that that would be me the next day. I watched a bunch of higher level dancers and began to feel really really nervous. I bought my fishnets and some body glue and watched John and April. John's girl won. She did a great job! I left at about 10:30 PM. I went home and finished the last minute packing and headed to sleep around 1:30 AM.