Thinking

We spend our days in deliberating, and we end them without coming to any resolve.

~L'Estrange



She that fails to command her thoughts will soon lose command of her actions.



Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.

~Clifton Fadiman



It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing.

~Brian W. Aldiss



A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.






In case there was any doubt as to the purpose of this post.... I can't sleep. My mind is running on tangents which it should not be entertaining and therefore will allow me no rest. I tried to find some amazing quote to post to explain better than I am able, but I did not find the perfect candidate. I'm off to watch some Law & Order, to drown my thoughts in until I fall asleep.

Coleman

I miss Coleman.

Read about him in Exponent

Read about him in my blog here and here.

Despite the weirdness of who he is and my experiences with him. He always added a dose of excitement to my life. It was fun hiding from him and talking with other girls who had shared similar odd experiences. I miss his huge water bottle he used to carry around with him.

It's odd the people you miss.

Sunday

I'm sick. Yet another reason why teaching is not for me. Too many germs passing amongst too many kids. But there are things I want to write, so here we go.

Church

Col 2:13-14

Pastor Tim - Truth faith comes from understanding the depth of our sin and the height of God's grace and mercy.

Quality biblical instruction again. I really love that church.

Dance

Severally creepy man who is old enough to be my father who has apparently taken to me, and I'm not talking about a father/daughter relationship. I do not think any person has ever made me feel so dirty or my skin crawl as much as this person and I have only seen him twice.

John and Tim are wonderfully nice guys who helped protect me from the aforementioned creepy old man.

I would love to teach dancing. That may become one of my part time jobs when I graduate.

I miss Jai. He is definitely my favorite person to dance with and it drives me crazy that I have not danced with him in two weeks.

School

There are only one and a half weeks in which I am still responsible for the education of the students. That end will be a large relief, but I still have much to do for Purdue. I should in fact be working on that now, but I am sick and procrastinating. I work well under pressure.

Friends

I sincerely love the Liskeys. I love to be at their house. I love to be in their presence and amongst their family. It provides me with a sense of family which I have never experienced.
They bring me a certain joy and peace which I cannot seem to grasp outside of their home.

I really miss my friends from school. The strength of my faith has been majorly faltering since the beginning of student teaching. I long for the encouragement and butt-kicking from Dawn which kept me striving to grow. I miss the random antics. I do not often ride around in cars for the sake of finding something fun and random, like making animal noises at people who are walking or preventing my poor trapped roommate from going to the bathroom because I was in an odd mood that day. It seems my life has become very predictable. I miss the randomness of college life.

Mom

It is really great to share a passion of dancing with my mom. Last year, it angered me. Dancing was my thing and I felt like she stole my thunder. Now, I almost hate going dancing without her. It is fun and we have a great time causing trouble and pointing out abnormalities. We have a great deal more in common and it is wonderful talking to someone who understands what I am saying and can help to keep me sharp.

Reflection

I've been thinking recently about my many late nights in the living room of Travis and Laura. As I was struggling with massive bitterness combined with low-self esteem and relationship addiction, they asked me to think about if it would be worth while to wait to get married or even remain single for the rest of my life. At the time, I was reasonably surprised at my reaction which was uncontrollable crying. I am not an overly emotional person. Strike that, I am emotional, I just don't show it often. I am one of those time bomb people. I was surprised at how quickly that idea reduced me to tears, and not just tears but sobbing and shaking. The initial questions that brought about the tears?

What if you are not married by the time you graduate?

Some of you may be rather surprised that this was once an expectation of mine. At one point in my life, I seriously believed that I would be engaged by the time I was 20 and married by the time I turned 21. And even though the pictured husband left the picture (thankfully), I still envisioned myself in a wedding dress and 21 years of age. Travis and Laura were the first people who made me face the fact that my five year plan may not happen, and it hurt. Laura, in a final blow on that night two years ago, asked me will you be willing to wait until you are 28 for the man God will bring to you. You can imagine my reaction to this question at that time.

Now, here I am, 32 days away from my graduation and 21 years old. I have missed two deadlines and will shortly miss my last call deadline. How am I dealing with this? I am simply amazed at the work God has done in me in the past two years. Granted, there are days, like tonight, when I find out another one of my friends is engaged or soon to be married, and I am reminded of my goal and I can almost hear my biological clock ticking. But on the whole, I am willing to wait.

I look at the relationships that surround me. There are a few couples who are engaged that I am fearful of their future. I know their married life will contain massive struggle because they did not wait for what God had planned for them. There are other couples who have been married for a long time, about six months, or are newly engaged, who I can look to and see that a God-centered marriage is totally worth the wait.

I do not really remember what my fears were about being single, but I assure you that my fears of an ungodly marriage are far worse than any I faced two years ago.

It may be a Navigator thing or a result of the seriously bad relationship that I was in, but I think it will be difficult to convince me of marriage now. That is not to say I don't want to get married. I do, badly. But, I want to make sure it is the right one. I hate divorce. It will not be in the cards for me, so if I make a mistake in the selection process, it is my mistake to deal with for the rest of my life. Therefore, I am not taking this relationship thing lightly. I will need to move slowly. I will need some serious praying to happen. From myself, my intended, and my friends and family. My Purdue friends will know what extra type of praying will need to take place before marriage. I will need peace.

Most of all, I will need an insane amount of patience from the man I will marry. There are still scars left from my previous relationship. The bitterness is gone, but there are still side effects from a five year unhealthy relationship. (An aside on my feelings about bitterness about exes and new relationships - Still being bitter and starting a new relationship is a bad idea. You are taking the ex with you into the new relationship. I don't care how amazing the new significant other is, bringing your ex into the relationship through bitterness will put unhealthy strain on the relationship, and chances are the new relationship will not last either.) How exactly these scars will show themselves in a new relationship, I have no idea. I have spent so much time chastising myself over the mistakes I made in the past and working to guard my heart and maintain emotional and physical purity, it may be hard for me to learn to give those away at appropriate times. My biggest fear, is falling into my same patterns and making the same mistakes. The person that I am now, is so different from who I was then, but I fear becoming who I've been. I will need a patient man to understand that and stand beside me as I am exploring what a healthy, God-centered relationship looks like.

However, I hate the idea of being somebodies burden. When I reread the previous part, I sound like high maintenance. I think to myself, yeah right, not worth it. But I love the lyrics from Rent that says, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." The best way to be patient and sympathize is to have gone through it yourself. To know the struggles and difficulties and be attune to the feelings that come with them.

This was a massive amount of rambling which I wasn't expecting. Part of me wants to delete it so I won't have to deal with comments from people, but the original purpose of this was so that I could write my thoughts. So here they are. The cartoons are added for comical breaks throughout the reading process.

Poo

It makes me laugh that my dear roommate thinks of me whenever poo mentioned.

That's quality.

I am not sure what that says about me, but I am okay with it, whatever it is.

Friday

Whew. It's been a day and I still have approximately 3 hours to go. Yucky.

I have had the students write formal business letters regarding the blood drive. Long, tedious project. Apparently they have never ever proof read anything before. So, here I am proofreading 20 letters. These letters need to be corrected and have their final copy submitted within an hour and a half. At this point, I am getting really practical. Does it really matter that their word choice stinks? No! Does it matter that every single one of them has decided I am a Mrs and not a Ms? No! Does it matter that they included things in their letter I specifically told them not to? No! Does it matter that the format, we went over 100 times in not represented in the letter? No! What does matter? Spelling. That's pretty much it. The parents aren't going to know what format I was using. They aren't going to know the details they were or were not supposed to include in the content of the letter. They will probably just think it is cute that all of the students have decided I am married, despite me talking about it and writing my name up on the board. And word choice? Ha. That's a laugh.

So I push past my OCD and fix only the major errors. With about 20 minutes to go before I need to have them all finished. I finish proofreading my last one. Yes, that does in fact mean that some of the student letters about the blood drive which is occurring on Monday will not go home until Monday evening. Do I care at 2:00 PM on Friday. Not at all.

What am I thinking about?

How much I don't want to type up my schedule and how I really just want it to be 5:00PM.

I have been singing a song to myself most of the day. Now that I want to remember it I can't recall it. But it had something to do with trading my red pen for a glass of vodka. I should say. I am not a drinker. I loathe drinking. But at 2 PM on Friday. That's what I am thinking.

Oh, and how I just really want to dance. I have the angry/frustrated/hyperness that Jai likes to see so much when I dance with him. Apparently it makes me a better dancer. So, I am ready. I want to work out my week on the dance floor. But, unfortunately there is still some more week between me and that dance floor.

Good news?

21 days left of being responsible for the education of these children!

Tidbits

We are working on history skits in school. Names changed for obvious reasons.

George: "Miss Driver, do you like my mustache?"

Me: "Why do you have a paper mustache?"

George: "Because I am a Frenchman in the play!"

Me: "So, all Frenchmen have facial hair?"

George: "Yes!"

I continue to circle around the room and come back to this group about 10 minutes later and overhear.

Leanne: "Why do you have a beard? Frenchmen don't have beards?"

Me: (They all have mustaches, but no beards.... hmm... I love children stereotypes.)
George: (Stroking his paper beard with an incredibly serious face) "I think it makes me look distinguished."

Some song lyrics I am enjoying.

Oh come and dance with me, my baby

Let's dance, do it, go crazy

The night is young and so are we

Let's make love and dance the night away
-Debelah Morgan (A song to which I recently learned to Tango).

There are only 39 days until I graduate and 24 days until I am officially done with my responsibilities in the classroom. I'm pretty excited.

After feeling blacklisted last week at our Friday dance. I am really looking forward to trying it again. I have some confidence in my dancing back and am now willing to leave if the blacklisting continues.

Count

Forty-six days and counting!!!! :) Yay!

Stunning

This is a video of one of the coolest nights I have ever had. This is my stunning friend Danno. He was picked out of the crowd to go up on stage with Relient K for "Sadie Hawkins Dance". I apologise for the lame video quality. I was so excited, I was shaking and the music was too loud for my poor camera to handle.

Symbol

I was thinking in church today about dancing again and connections to faith and our walk with God. This is more specific to the waltz and the basic ballroom etiquette.

The Invitation -

This is often done without words. The man places his hand out for the woman to either accept or reject. In this simple gesture, the man is asking, "Will you trust me?" and "Will you allow me to take you on this journey?". In the acceptance, the woman is putting her trust and whole self in the care and protection of the man. She is acknowledging that he is in charge and she will follow him wherever he goes.

The Beginning -

In the Waltz, once the woman is led out to the dance floor. Her hand is dropped and the man assumes dance position. This position entails the man once again holding his left hand out to the woman and holding his right arm open waiting to take her into his arms. His weight is on his left foot with his right foot pointed off to the side. The woman moves toward him and takes his left hand with her right. She rests her left arm on his right shoulder as he wraps his right arm around her. At just the right time during the introduction, the couple shifts their weight. The man to his right leg, the woman to her left. The woman's gaze shifts to look over the man's right shoulder. In this moment, both parties have completed the final agreement to take this journey together. The two have now become one and are ready to begin.

The Dance -

The dance begins slowly. The man is completely in charge and is responsible for making his and her movement fit the music. The man is simply the worker. He understands that all of the beauty and purpose of this dance, rests in the woman he holds in his arms. The music fades in and out, reaches a fevered pitch and calms again. Throughout this time, the woman follows the man's desires for her, trusting him to make her look as beautiful and perform the very best she possibly can.

The Ending -

The dance ends with a turn for the woman in which the partners separate to form a parallel line with the observers. The couple then turns toward each other and a mutual, "Thank You" is expressed. The man is thankful for being trusted and allowed the privilege of taking the woman on this journey. The woman is delighted to have been personally chosen and carried away. The dancers walk off of the floor and wait to meet again for yet another wonderful occasion.

The Connection -

The invitation for our relationship with Christ is a standing invitation, which we must either accept or reject. In the time of the invitation, Christ is asking us to trust him to allow Him to take us on a journey to bring us on towards completion. In our acceptance of Christ, we are promising to let him lead our lives and follow him wherever He takes us.

At the beginning of our walk, we acknowledge that we no longer exist. We die to ourselves and Christ lives in us. Two have become one.

Throughout the dance or walk of faith, there may be moments of confusion. In which we are confused about the direction we are being led. We may take a few wrong steps, but because our lead is the ultimate leader, he guides us back to the right pattern and step and continues to lead us. He works to make us become the very best we can be. He works to prefect us and leads us to do everything He desires.

Although, there is never an end of our walk of faith, there are moments that exist in our lives when the follower looks to their partner, their leader, and is grateful. Grateful for being chosen to be saved from the certain effects of their sin. Grateful for the leader who never fails and is always steady, capable, compassionate, graceful, and helpful.