Echo

I had a thought tonight, I am afraid to want or hope for anything. Now, unless you are Dawn Taylor, that will not mean much of anything to you, but I can't even imagine how many times I heard Dawn say this last year. It was odd to hear her voice echo in my own head.

That's it. Just wanted to share my feeling of deja vu.

Hat

I want no comments on this post. Whether online, phone, or otherwise. If you do comment online, I reserve the right to delete it guilt-free if I so choose. I started the blog to help me deal with things and I need to cope. So, if you can't handle a lack of sunshine and butterflies in my posts, then stop reading because they will not exist in this one.

We'll start with the explanation that I am wearing a hat right now. If you knew me at all during my college years, you know that does not bode well for my current emotional state. However, the hat is just another effort to make myself feel better. I can hide and be anonymous in a hat. The world cannot hurt me in a hat and everything just looks better from underneath one. But it takes a seriously bad day to send me into one. So thank you to anyone who has ever provided me with a one, it has provided me with a certain amount of refuge that nothing else can provide.

So, my mom is sick. Potentially with cancer, we have to start back over with the testing because of some knife happy local surgeons. She also has been running a nasty fever with bronchitis. My birthday is quickly approaching, I have really not had a pleasant birthday in about five years, so my hopes are not high for this one. That day has become one that I dread. I just basically was dropped off the back of the college truck with a major which I will not be using and joined the work force to work long shifts with relatively unappreciative people. There are other major sources of stress which I cannot delve into on the blog because of various readers, but allow me to assure, I was just shy of a major emotional break down at the beginning of work today. In fact, I said that exact phrase to my boss this morning as she asked how my mom was doing.

Which brings me to the straw that broke the camels back.

I posted a while ago about people who think it is helpful to comment about my acne. In case you thought that was an isolated incident. I have had about 16 of those incidences in the last two weeks. I realize these people are not doing it out of mean spirit (except the rude teenagers who snicker and giggle as I walk by) but it is not helpful. I don't understand why people think it is okay to say this stuff to me. If you are appalled by my face. Fine, make comments to your friends, chuckle about it, great. But do not let me hear it and do not assume that I choose to have my face look this way. It's not like I am not constantly thinking about it anyway. Even if I was able to forget the appearance factor. My face is in a constant state of pain due to the acne. So believe me, I don't the need comments to remind me that I am unfortunate looking, I am well aware, every second of the day.The most frequent comment involves some miracle cure, which I have already tried.

Today, the man said, "well, aren't you taking some kind of medicine for that?" Yeah, those are the first words this man said to me. I responded, "not anymore". He then proceeded to name off about six different kinds of medication, which I had all taken and they had not worked. Then he launched into various topical treatments, which I had already used. Meanwhile, this is in front of two other co-workers and a long line of customers waiting to be helped. I finally said to the man, "I've tried it all, do you honestly think if there was something that would help that I wouldn't have tried it at this point?"

And usually after an event like this, which is frequent for me, (Kids asking their moms "what happened to that girl? Why is her face like that?" People taking a double take and obviously looking at the blemishes on my face with a disgusted look. Other miracle cures. Teenagers making fun of me as I walk by saying words like disgusting and giggling to each other.) I can shake my head and pull myself back together. But today the embarrassment was too great, there was too much stuff already on my plate, and just one too many person had confirmed my deepest fear. I could not disappear. No amount of make-up can cover what I have got. I can't cover my face to eliminate any future comments. I am stuck. Ugly face and all.

And as I was driving home talking to my good friend, I said "all females are sure that they are ugly in some way shape or form, and we try our best to shut up the voices in our head, but what do you do when those voices are not in your head. When the voices are complete strangers commenting about your nasty, scarred, face. Then what?" I'll tell you what happens. The battle to shut up the voices in your head stops. The voices win. They were right all along. You are ugly. The world agrees. The voices gets louder and more vicious and attack you just where it hurts the most. And I can't do anything about it, because I have been told, by an external source, I am ugly. And this is what the voices say, "You are ugly. No male will ever find you attractive. The general public finds you to be disgusting. Don't even think about inner beauty, because no one will ever be able to get beyond the nasty exterior to see anything of value on the interior. Quit. Give up and do the world a favor and put a bag over your head."

And unfortunately no amount of external praise can ever counteract that. My friends, family, etc can say all they want that it is not true, and the voice in my head will then always tell me, "they have to say that, they're your family or friends." I am stuck believing what I have been told by sixteen complete strangers. So, if in the future, you are ever tempted to comment to anyone about some deformity, or illness, or what have you. Don't. It doesn't help. It only hurts more. Leave your mouth closed. I can assure they have done it all or tried it all and they do not need their worst suspicions confirmed. To the general public, I am nothing more than a face full of acne. The end. End of story.

I just don't understand how people feel like it is okay or even helpful.

Excited

I start lessons with Tim tomorrow. I can hardly wait! More stories to come I'm sure.

Busy

Yup, I'm pretty sure I am busier than ever before. It amazes me, but I am learning to balance. I guess that is part of post-undergrad life.

Smile

I am walking back out onto the sales floor after my break, when a work friend of mine notices me. She is with a customer. She gives me an odd look. I continue with my business. About a minute later she is done with her customer and is at my side. She says in a loud whisper, "So, who is he?" I turn around and look at her, then around the store to see who she is talking about. She notices my confusion and she says, "you are glowing and you look like you are about to jump through the ceiling, who is the guy that made that happen to you." (I've been having a really rough week emotionally at work because there is too much time to think, this work friend has been helping me cope). Now, I can feel the grin on my face get even bigger as I say, "I just had a really great phone conversation." She then gets a sly look on her face and says, "with a guy?" I now have begun to back peddle a little because she is getting the wrong idea and explain the reason for my apparent goofy grin.

It was Jai that called me during my lunch break. I was ten minutes late for returning from my break because I did not want to get off the phone. We talked for forty minutes. If you know anything about me. I am not a big phone talker, at all. I basically hate talking on the phone with anybody with the exception of a few people. Anyway, we did the obligatory small talk for about ten minutes then started talking about dancing for the last half hour. He told me about some clubs in Chicago he wanted to take me to. We talked about dancing with bad partners. We talked about him starting some new lessons in Northwest Indiana and about me being his co-teacher/demonstrator. Then he talked about how I should move to Chicago to dance. He explained that I could easily get a job in child advocacy there and could work at the Borders there in the mean time and dance with him and start teaching some classes up there. We talked about odd moments of being caught dancing by unsuspecting people. He talked about what a great dancing pair we make and how well we work together. We talked about starting my lessons back up soon and starting some group lessons in the area.

I know most people will not understand the excitement of that phone call, but I was bouncing off the walls. After realizing how drastically this phone call change my mood, I began to feel the ridiculousness of it all. I turned and looked at my work friend and said, "I think you are only supposed to be this excited when the love of your life has recently proposed." But I was in a fabulous mood for the rest of my time at work, short of one nasty incident with my manager.

It was amazing. All I can think about right now is dancing.

Reading

I have just started reading Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot. Cory and Katie gave me this book for Christmas. Katie has been recommending it to me for quite some time and I really wanted to read it.

I have liked what I have read so far. However, while reading it, I was hoping that I would be distracted from other things or led to give up other things. But, this has not been the case, my mind has been more focused than ever. This is really vague, I know. I just really needed to say something.

I hope through prayerfully reading this book, I will find some wisdom and guidance for my heart and mind.

Weird

I just got some other news which makes me not want to post these stories, but I promised Dawn I would.

Dawn, I need to talk to you soon....

Story 1:
I wrote about this last year, here.

This guy is back. He has been in the store the last two days. He has watched me as I have hurried around the store. Weird.

Story 2:
I work with some interesting people at Borders. That is the premise for this story. I rushed into the bathroom yesterday, despite being busy because I really "had to go." I then rush back out of the bathroom and collide with this person who I believe to be Victor, a guy who I work with. I would not put it past Victor to purposely collide with me. I had been body checked twice already that day by two different male employees. So, I just sort of roll away from the guy. Then I hear a deep, "I'm sorry, are you OK?" At this point, I realize that it is not Victor and become incredibly embarrassed that I didn't apologise first. I mumble, "yes, I am okay" and rush on to my section of the store.
I felt guilty most of yesterday. Today, I am working in the kids section, and a man walks in. He walks directly up to me and says, "Hey, I ran into you yesterday, literally, as you were coming out of the bathroom." I turn about eight shades of red and say, "Oh, I am so sorry about that." He brushes it off and says, "So, how are you doing today?" I'm confused and answer, "fine, and you?" He again brushes off my answer and introduces himself. I don't remember his name. I introduce myself, despite my name tag and tell him it was nice to meet him. He then turns around and starts to walk away. I say, "could I help you find something?" He says, "No, I just really wanted to talk to you." He smiles. I smile. End of story.

Story 3:
There is a guy at work who is just a lot of fun to joke around with. In the past several days he has made several comments about my beauty. They have all been made while joking, but they all have been positive.

Now it's time for the perspective which I obtained as I was driving home.

The last several weeks, I have felt disgustingly hideous. My acne is worse than it has been in years and I am still much larger than I would like to be. I have pretty much decided that it doesn't matter who I really am, that most people cannot see beyond the acne and fat to anything positive inside of me.

So, here's my thought, which has been confirmed the more I think about occurrences in the last several days. I feel hideous and sure that people cannot see anything good beyond my physical appearance, so God plants three different men in my way to prove to me that there is more to me than my fat and acne. That someone can, in fact, find me attractive. And while I am not even remotely interested in any of the aforementioned males, it is amazing the way God has provided a glimpse of what He sees when he looks at me.

Woohoo

I am a college graduate! SWEET!

No more school..... ever.....

Ignorance

I have a gripe.

I get really frustrated with people speaking out while being completely ignorant of the effects of their comments..

A man came up to me today at work. A complete stranger said to me, "You should really wash your face with Product X. It will help to clear up your face."

I admit this has happened to me before, but it struck a different chord today.

Why? I woke up feeling ugly. I looked in the mirror and had my suspicions confirmed. I thought, "can anybody see beyond my acne or is that all anyone can see?" I had to get a new driver's license today. What was the first thing a noticed about my picture? Yikes, my face looks horrible.

I realize the man was trying to be helpful, but it was so much more detrimental than helpful. I had in fact used the product before and every other product anyone has ever mentioned to me. Just a word of advice, before you offer a suggestion to a random stranger, consider that the person may not want their most sensitive flaws pointed out by complete strangers.

This man confirmed my suspicion that people cannot in fact see beyond my acne. They just see my ugly, scarred, red face. Thanks mister.

Done

I am done! Officially!!!! YES!!