Motto

A little nonsence now and then,

is relished by the wisest men.

-Willy Wonka

Pleasure

So, I frequently go through periods of not liking dancing. I think for some reason, it has a bad stigma in my mind. Quite possibly because of how I got started. However, I went dancing tonight and I really love it. It is fun, provided you have a good partner.

I am not sure it is possible to feel more feminine than the way you feel while you are dancing the waltz, provided you dance it well. It is such a graceful and beautiful dance and you feel graceful and beautiful doing it. It looks like you are floating, or as a guy described it, like figure skating. It's fluid and amazing.

Aside from that, any Latin or form of swing is also a favorite. They are fun, active, and quick dances. They keep you constantly moving and constantly thinking. It's a lot of fun.

The partner completely changes the experience. Creepy old man who holds you too closely = bad experience. Young man who is just learning, but tries really hard = decent experiences. Dance instructor = Amazing experience. It is wonderful to dance with a man who knows what he is doing and can lead you into a variety of steps.

Ok, I think I am done on my dancing talk for now. It is just so much fun.

Wait

Wait has and always will be a major message of my life. Almost anytime I pray for something big, the answer I get is wait. No yes, no no, just wait. Almost enough to drive someone crazy. In my past, I hated to wait. I would kick and scream and beg God to give me a clear answer now, right now. And while I am still not a huge fan of waiting, especially when it comes to getting answers. (For those who may not know me very well, I DESPISE not knowing things. My curiosity drives me crazy. I love surprises as long as I am not told a surprise is coming. Once I know there is something for me to know, I need to know it NOW!) But for some reason, this time, when getting the wait signal and understanding that the waiting will be a long process, I am not disturbed. Yes, I would really like to know. I would like my future to be realized, but this time it is worth the wait. Most definitely, this time it is worth the wait.

SUCK

Rest assured everyone, I suck.

I again, missed a deadline. I was supposed to have emailed my lesson plan in by 8. I realized this at 8:15. So I busted my butt and turned it in by 9:10. Suck. I swear I am not going to get my license. I am so organized in some ways, but apparently not organized in other ways. This is so unlike me. I went through a period of this last year too. I work my tail off and no matter how hard I work, I still mess up. There was a lot of stuff going on then and there is a lot of stuff going on now. Maybe I just need to put the rest of my life on hold and concentrate on student teaching. Got that everybody? Nobody do anything that could possibly effect me in any way, negatively or positively, until I am done with student teaching. I just want to graduate.

I feel like
I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here
While I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
What’s the purpose
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it
Not in the least bit
And I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can’t
Do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look
My date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet
That regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once
I noticed
I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It’s my life
And my right
To use it like I should
Like he would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know

-More Than Useless, Relient K

Song

A friend called my attention to this song the other day....

It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now
All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cuz I don't wanna live another day without you now
This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
All I'm gonna have
Is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back
Everything I have in me
Cuz nothing ever felt as right
As this does right now
I'll go back to before we met
Can I erase the past
Try harder to forget cuz
Nothing will ever be as good as here and now
Cuz when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"
And this is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening
This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whoooaaa whooaa)
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
Always knew
I'd find someone
I never dreamt
It'd be like this
You've surpassed
All that I've hoped for (and ever wished)
And I'm tryin'
So hard
WIth all my heart and mind
To make your life
As good as you've made mine
This is the best thing (the best thing)
The best thing that could be happening (the best thing)
And I think you would agree (whooaaa)
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
(The best thing) The best thing that could be happening
(The best thing) I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

-The Best Thing, Relient K

Mix

I am a mix of emotions tonight. Well not really. I am definitely only feeling one, but I wanted to write about how I was feeling earlier today. So God changed my perspective on student teaching. Helped me to see I should be working at it for Him and not for anyone else. He is the only one I should be seeking to please. Who cares if they don't think I am a good teacher? This is where I am at now. God has brought me to this place. I will work whole-heartedly and do the best I can, to bring him glory, until he finds somewhere else for me to be. The first half of today was rather fun. The second half was rather not fun. But oh well. At some point during the day, my mood snapped and now all I have to do is type this....

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real

Midnight

It is officially midnight, which means today is my first real day of student teaching. As I created my long range schedule I had mixed emotions. I feel like I will be taking over WAY too quickly and yet, there is SO much work to do in that amount of time. Overwhelming. But, I will make it. I have made it through every semester thus far, and this semester there are no exams! At least not any I have to take! So here is the beginning of my student teaching.

Yikes

Summer is almost over, I can hardly believe it. I have my first student teaching seminar on Wednesday. Although my assignment for it is already done, I am petrified to be starting. I know the sooner I start the sooner it is over, but wow, I could really keep doing this summer for a long time, like the rest of my life.

News

I heard two different bits of news today.

On flipped my future upside down and one flipped my past.

It's amazing how quickly your best laid plans can go asunder. My life was planned out at least until next summer. I had a good understanding of where I was going and what was going to happen. I had already looked ahead to see any challenges which would likely be headed my way. I was ready for my planned struggles. Well, I think God doesn't like it when I plan. So the first bit of news turned my world upside down. I will not go into detail on this one.

The second bit of news revealed truth of my past. Presenting an even greater "woulda, shoulda, coulda" into my life. I was provided with a story from a friend about a person who played a major role in my high school and beginning college years. The story I heard was about hazing, perhaps the worst account I have ever heard. I was then informed that this major role person had a major role in the hazing. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Perhaps I would have enjoyed high school more. Perhaps I would have had more friends. Perhaps I would not have neglected my true friends. It seems such a waste now. I know God did huge things in me, but I am disgusted that I was so deeply involved in the manipulation and illusion that I couldn't see the monster before me.

But through both of these bits of news, God keeps whispering to me, "I am faithful". I know he will provide for all I/We need in the future and He certainly has healed me from my past wounds. Regardless of our will, God's will is what counts. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. We can trust in him to do what is best for us, whether we believe it is best or not.

Alone

Ever been completely surrounded by people and felt totally and completely alone?

I got a phone call today. In the time when I was on the phone, I felt so cared about and understood. Amy knows me, and wants to know how I am doing, really doing. She digs deep and won't let me get away with surface level answers. I love that. I have gotten used to this with her and I no longer attempt to give those kinds of answers to her. As I was on the phone, I realized how much I will miss my life on campus. I miss those coffee shop conversations. I miss emergency Amy meals. I miss people knowing me well enough that they don't let me not open up. They force me to tell them what I am thinking and actually care about my thoughts. Beyond that, they provide godly and biblical input on my thoughts and feeling. As soon as I finished the phone call, I felt totally and completely alone again. Scary feeling.

In listening to some music tonight on the ride to the hotel, I couldn't stop the tears.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”

-Praise You In This Storm -Casting Crowns

I throw up my hands.
"Oh, the impossibilities."
Frustrated and tired,
where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't.
But, I think you can, I think you can.
Gather my inefficiencies and place them in your hands.

-For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K

Sorry, rambled thoughts from an extremely emotionally raw girl....