Supernothing

I may have strength through Christ. I may be strong. But I am not superwoman. I am not invincible. I may be tough, but I do break. I thought I was strong. I thought with God's help I could endure anything and I know, together we can, but some days I just get distressed. I did something today that I really didn't want to do. I'm afraid that is the way it is going to have to be though. Oh well, I know God has something special for me, but its hard to wait and not be able to see it.

I just talked to my brother about this several weeks ago, but I wish God spoke in neon signs. Or used the lighted arrow at the Family Inn on US 52 like I joke about. I try to follow God's will for my life, but with so many voices, so many thoughts, so many feelings (not emotions, but the "I've just got this feeling", sort of feelings) I just don't know how to sort through it. And I can hear myself responding to my brother in saying "if the decision brings about good fruit, then it is from God" or "If I know the character of God, then I know what His will is." And now I understand why he got so angry with me. That doesn't eliminate the voice, thoughts, or feelings. It just proves to me how lost I am when looking for direction. So I have turned to the more passive aggressive approach in which I sit and say to God, "Since I can't figure out what I am supposed to do, then You do it. You bring whatever it is You desire for my life about." Then as I am sitting and waiting, I again get lost in the "did God bring this about or did I bring this about?" It is an endless cycle of doubt.

I don't doubt God. I don't doubt his plan for my life. I do doubt my ability to decipher which direction he is pulling me.

We have talked in Bible Study many times about overanalyzing and looking too much into the situation and contorting stuff to be whatever we want it to be. So, I know it is not just a common problem to me. And as I was typing I remember the solution we came up with. It was to pray for something in particular whenever we started to over think. Yup, well, I guess that was my answer.

Writing has always been my way of sorting things out. It forces me to think chronologically and logically. Or in the words of Mike Britton, to think in waffles instead of spaghetti. Writing = therapeutic.

I apologize if this doesn't make sense but it helped me.