7/5-7/11 - Prepping for VBS. Organizing materials. Begging for more helpers. Creating Emergency Info Sheets for Children. Finishing Decorating Sets.
7/12-7/18 - VBS. 9AM to 12PM. Friend's Wedding in Lafayette on 18th. Anniversary Party at the Studio.
7/19-7/26 - California. Lessons with Ray. San Diego Zoo. Beaches.
7/27 - --- - Prepping for the Fall
That's the basic outline of what is happening with me for the next several weeks. I find I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do and also the enormous elephant in the room. At least I have something to distract me from the work load.
Michael
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I was greatly saddened by the death of Michael Jackson yesterday. It had been one of my life-long goals to see Michael Jackson in concert. I have determined to see him on this new tour. It's the first and probably only celebrity death which will actually bring me near tears.
It was an interesting day yesterday due to the death. I heard from a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time. Apparently, I leave a legacy of Michael Jackson appreciation with those who I meet and spend time with. I once had a roommate tell me, "I was never really into Michael Jackson and thought he was sort of weird. But after living with you I love the music and find myself defending him too." While I think maybe I should have left a different legacy with people, I am glad to have developed an appreciation for MJ in several people.
Cory and I had lots of good times of singing Michael Jackson songs in the car and I remember watching Dad's MJ laser disks whenever he turned them on. Some of my favorite memories with both people.
It was an interesting day yesterday due to the death. I heard from a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time. Apparently, I leave a legacy of Michael Jackson appreciation with those who I meet and spend time with. I once had a roommate tell me, "I was never really into Michael Jackson and thought he was sort of weird. But after living with you I love the music and find myself defending him too." While I think maybe I should have left a different legacy with people, I am glad to have developed an appreciation for MJ in several people.
Cory and I had lots of good times of singing Michael Jackson songs in the car and I remember watching Dad's MJ laser disks whenever he turned them on. Some of my favorite memories with both people.
Lesson
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I had coaching with Ray on Wednesday. As usual it was amazing. But this lesson was particularly fantastic. He cleaned up a great deal of my basics and we actually delved a little bit into the harder stuff that Tim and I work on.
There is one particular figure in the Tango that we have been battling through that is really difficult. It has an over sway in it. An image of this shape is to the right. I thought I had
a pretty clear understanding of the over sway and how to create that shape. So Ray took me into position and the few steps that go into the over sway, I went where I thought I was supposed to go and thanks to Ray's fantastic skill was far better than I had been doing. But then he tells me to push my thighs further in and hold my pelvis to be square. Ray steps out leaving me in this position and Tim walks in as a sort of stunt double. Ray twists my spine more pushes my upper body further to the right and forces my back to be arched even more. Then he grabs a hold of my neck and pulls it out further from my body and pulls in back. Now if you had any doubt as to the physical aspects of dancing, I assure you that every muscle in my entire body was engaged and screaming for dear life at this point in time. Then Ray begins to talk to me, all the while holding this position which, as he said, "is wringing out my spine like a dish rag." What he said in this moment didn't really hit me until today because I was attempting to hold position, stop my limbs from shaking, and listen.
He was talking about my extension in my back and neck. He demonstrated that I always seem to stop myself. That I had a bit too much rigidity and control. He told me I needed to let go and just let the position happen. Let me head follow the shape my spine is creating and flow all the way into the drama of the dance.
Today this information strikes me as something beyond dance. I love to be in control of myself. I love order. I love patterns. I love predictability. I don't really like emotions because they are hard to control. I work hard to maintain control. This brings about a rigidity in my life and prevents me from ever truly letting go. It prevents me from letting go and allowing God to take control of my life. It prevents me from letting myself enjoy the music and movement in my life. And while a certain amount of self-control is a good thing, I believe I have gone way too far. So, I'll learn to let go some of the times and follow the direction happening in my life.
Not sure where or how this applies quite yet, but it was an interesting stream of consciousness that I decided to just go with.
Mom also wanted me to delve into some of the other experiences I had with Ray during this lesson, but I am afraid that it would be taken in the wrong way by those who are not used to the dance world and what is involved in it. But suffice it to say, that dancing and specifically coaching with Ray is a stretching experience in every sense of the word.
There is one particular figure in the Tango that we have been battling through that is really difficult. It has an over sway in it. An image of this shape is to the right. I thought I had
a pretty clear understanding of the over sway and how to create that shape. So Ray took me into position and the few steps that go into the over sway, I went where I thought I was supposed to go and thanks to Ray's fantastic skill was far better than I had been doing. But then he tells me to push my thighs further in and hold my pelvis to be square. Ray steps out leaving me in this position and Tim walks in as a sort of stunt double. Ray twists my spine more pushes my upper body further to the right and forces my back to be arched even more. Then he grabs a hold of my neck and pulls it out further from my body and pulls in back. Now if you had any doubt as to the physical aspects of dancing, I assure you that every muscle in my entire body was engaged and screaming for dear life at this point in time. Then Ray begins to talk to me, all the while holding this position which, as he said, "is wringing out my spine like a dish rag." What he said in this moment didn't really hit me until today because I was attempting to hold position, stop my limbs from shaking, and listen.He was talking about my extension in my back and neck. He demonstrated that I always seem to stop myself. That I had a bit too much rigidity and control. He told me I needed to let go and just let the position happen. Let me head follow the shape my spine is creating and flow all the way into the drama of the dance.
Today this information strikes me as something beyond dance. I love to be in control of myself. I love order. I love patterns. I love predictability. I don't really like emotions because they are hard to control. I work hard to maintain control. This brings about a rigidity in my life and prevents me from ever truly letting go. It prevents me from letting go and allowing God to take control of my life. It prevents me from letting myself enjoy the music and movement in my life. And while a certain amount of self-control is a good thing, I believe I have gone way too far. So, I'll learn to let go some of the times and follow the direction happening in my life.
Not sure where or how this applies quite yet, but it was an interesting stream of consciousness that I decided to just go with.
Mom also wanted me to delve into some of the other experiences I had with Ray during this lesson, but I am afraid that it would be taken in the wrong way by those who are not used to the dance world and what is involved in it. But suffice it to say, that dancing and specifically coaching with Ray is a stretching experience in every sense of the word.
Unexpected
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I got a very unexpected complement tonight from a very unexpected source at a point in time when I was feeling like I just had nothing to offer.
I was told that I had a gentle and quiet spirit. This is ironic because it comes from one of the people who can get on my nerves the quickest and has elicited several cutting remarks from me. This person is also incredibly hard on women. His standards and beliefs about what women should be is higher than I have heard from anyone else. So needless to say I was surprised at the comment.
I was feeling pretty all around terrible tonight. Out with the normal crew and feeling like I just wanted to sink into the seat I was sitting in. I knew that I was evoking concern in the people I was with, but I just couldn't pull myself out of the funk.
That's when this person said, "This is the first time I have ever seen you quiet quiet." I was almost tempted to ask what that meant, but settled for an apology. He went on to say, "Which is saying a lot because you are naturally a quiet person." I am rarely quiet in my mind around this person. Again, we do a lot of banter back and forth. He went on to say, "You have a gentle and quiet spirit and that is a very rare find in a woman now a days."
I was overcome with gratitude for the complement and almost lost my composure as my eyes welled up. You see, I know women who have a gentle and quiet spirit. I have always admired them greatly and desired that trait as well. However, I just didn't believe that was a part of who I was. I have too sharp of a tongue and too often speak my mind.
It is a trait that I have tried to work towards, but had seen no progress, so I was delighted to hear that God had also been working in me in that way.
I still feel terrible. I have a lot on my mind and am working through a lot of stuff as mentioned in my last long post, but I am delighted by a brother in Christ noticing a positive feminine trait in me.
I was told that I had a gentle and quiet spirit. This is ironic because it comes from one of the people who can get on my nerves the quickest and has elicited several cutting remarks from me. This person is also incredibly hard on women. His standards and beliefs about what women should be is higher than I have heard from anyone else. So needless to say I was surprised at the comment.
I was feeling pretty all around terrible tonight. Out with the normal crew and feeling like I just wanted to sink into the seat I was sitting in. I knew that I was evoking concern in the people I was with, but I just couldn't pull myself out of the funk.
That's when this person said, "This is the first time I have ever seen you quiet quiet." I was almost tempted to ask what that meant, but settled for an apology. He went on to say, "Which is saying a lot because you are naturally a quiet person." I am rarely quiet in my mind around this person. Again, we do a lot of banter back and forth. He went on to say, "You have a gentle and quiet spirit and that is a very rare find in a woman now a days."
I was overcome with gratitude for the complement and almost lost my composure as my eyes welled up. You see, I know women who have a gentle and quiet spirit. I have always admired them greatly and desired that trait as well. However, I just didn't believe that was a part of who I was. I have too sharp of a tongue and too often speak my mind.
It is a trait that I have tried to work towards, but had seen no progress, so I was delighted to hear that God had also been working in me in that way.
I still feel terrible. I have a lot on my mind and am working through a lot of stuff as mentioned in my last long post, but I am delighted by a brother in Christ noticing a positive feminine trait in me.
Disillusioned
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I have always been a cynic. Not really sure when or how that started, but that is the way I have operated for a least 10 years now. My motto has long been, "better to expect and plan for the worse and be delightfully surprised, then to expect the best and be let down." A fantastic self-preservation technique and the motto has served me well for many years.
However, I have realized that the cynic in me is dying. That I'm starting to trust and believe the best in people. Part of me really like this development and part of me was screaming warnings to myself. I keep my guard up so high and so strong that I am almost impenetrable, but I could feel those walls eroding away and it scared me.
Now, I find that I have been let down. I was believing the best and found that I should have been planning for the worst. I am kicking myself for my stupidity and reassuring myself that the walls and barriers were in fact a good idea. We are after all, all sinful humans and will of course constantly let each other down. So why would I hope for someone to not let me down when it is inevitable that they will?
And yet, even as I am begging myself to refortify and repairs the walls that have started to tumble down, I find that part of me is unwilling. I am struggling between my desire to maintain my hard and tough exterior to protect myself and actually strangely enough enjoying being softer. While the idea of vulnerability and setting myself up to be hurt and disappointed sounds stupid when I am so skilled at avoiding it, I don't want to escape back into bitterness.
God has clearly been doing a work in me and I didn't see it until now, literally, as I write this. The initial intention of this blog was to be a scathing bitter tirade to express my raw emotions and then be done with it. But God had a different plan for this time of self-reflection.
It amazes me to think that only three years ago I didn't believe in love in any format. I certainly didn't believe in romantic love. I had seen a ton of marriages disintegrate and been a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I didn't believe my friends loved me. I honestly believed I was just a pity friend, someone they kept around because they felt bad for her. And worst of all I didn't believe God really loved me. I thought when God said He loved and sent His son to die for all, I imagined that He had several favorites in mind and I just sort of held on the the legs of one of those people to be included in the bunch.
But now I find and overwhelming desire to believe that there may in fact be some type of fairy tale for me. That maybe there is someone in the world who finds me attractive. Whether I am in the height of my glory or a hundred pounds over-weight, only wearing sweats, with my hair tied up and no makeup on my badly broken out face. I want to believe that God did in fact lovingly design me and created me to look exactly the way that I do and that there is a man who is designed to find me attractive.
I want to believe that God didn't just save me in the same lump as a billion other faceless blobs of flesh, but that He is actually active in every part of my life and cares about every tear that I cry and every time someone breaks through my barrier and then disappoints me. I want to believe that He has a plan for my life and He is carrying it out whether I understand the direction or not. I want to believe that my overwhelming desire to have someone truly know and understand me is in fact fulfilled in my heavenly Father and He actually desires to know me and be known by me. I want to believe all these things and for the first time in my life, I think they may actually be sinking in as truth.
I do believe that I have friends who truly love me. With no strings attached or conditions or stipulations. A very select few, but they do exist. And I find that the easiest way to feel that love is to love them as best as my heart knows how. I am forever appreciated by the constant love and support from them.
There are days like today, when I am almost overwhelmed with sadness and frustrated by letting myself be disappointed, and it's hard to focus on the broader perspective. And while the softening process hurts more than I can say and as much as I hate letting myself be wounded when I can simply avoid it by "not doing emotions," I like who I am becoming. I like the softer Kimi. I like the loss of the cynical hard-butt who never lets anyone close enough to hurt her or see her cry.
So God, continue in the molding and softening process and help me to be content and focused on you and your will in my life.
However, I have realized that the cynic in me is dying. That I'm starting to trust and believe the best in people. Part of me really like this development and part of me was screaming warnings to myself. I keep my guard up so high and so strong that I am almost impenetrable, but I could feel those walls eroding away and it scared me.
Now, I find that I have been let down. I was believing the best and found that I should have been planning for the worst. I am kicking myself for my stupidity and reassuring myself that the walls and barriers were in fact a good idea. We are after all, all sinful humans and will of course constantly let each other down. So why would I hope for someone to not let me down when it is inevitable that they will?
And yet, even as I am begging myself to refortify and repairs the walls that have started to tumble down, I find that part of me is unwilling. I am struggling between my desire to maintain my hard and tough exterior to protect myself and actually strangely enough enjoying being softer. While the idea of vulnerability and setting myself up to be hurt and disappointed sounds stupid when I am so skilled at avoiding it, I don't want to escape back into bitterness.
God has clearly been doing a work in me and I didn't see it until now, literally, as I write this. The initial intention of this blog was to be a scathing bitter tirade to express my raw emotions and then be done with it. But God had a different plan for this time of self-reflection.
It amazes me to think that only three years ago I didn't believe in love in any format. I certainly didn't believe in romantic love. I had seen a ton of marriages disintegrate and been a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I didn't believe my friends loved me. I honestly believed I was just a pity friend, someone they kept around because they felt bad for her. And worst of all I didn't believe God really loved me. I thought when God said He loved and sent His son to die for all, I imagined that He had several favorites in mind and I just sort of held on the the legs of one of those people to be included in the bunch.
But now I find and overwhelming desire to believe that there may in fact be some type of fairy tale for me. That maybe there is someone in the world who finds me attractive. Whether I am in the height of my glory or a hundred pounds over-weight, only wearing sweats, with my hair tied up and no makeup on my badly broken out face. I want to believe that God did in fact lovingly design me and created me to look exactly the way that I do and that there is a man who is designed to find me attractive.
I want to believe that God didn't just save me in the same lump as a billion other faceless blobs of flesh, but that He is actually active in every part of my life and cares about every tear that I cry and every time someone breaks through my barrier and then disappoints me. I want to believe that He has a plan for my life and He is carrying it out whether I understand the direction or not. I want to believe that my overwhelming desire to have someone truly know and understand me is in fact fulfilled in my heavenly Father and He actually desires to know me and be known by me. I want to believe all these things and for the first time in my life, I think they may actually be sinking in as truth.
I do believe that I have friends who truly love me. With no strings attached or conditions or stipulations. A very select few, but they do exist. And I find that the easiest way to feel that love is to love them as best as my heart knows how. I am forever appreciated by the constant love and support from them.
There are days like today, when I am almost overwhelmed with sadness and frustrated by letting myself be disappointed, and it's hard to focus on the broader perspective. And while the softening process hurts more than I can say and as much as I hate letting myself be wounded when I can simply avoid it by "not doing emotions," I like who I am becoming. I like the softer Kimi. I like the loss of the cynical hard-butt who never lets anyone close enough to hurt her or see her cry.
So God, continue in the molding and softening process and help me to be content and focused on you and your will in my life.
Concussed
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Things that are not okay:
Hitting my head eight days before my showcase in which I am doing a routine which involves spinning constantly for two and a half minutes at an incredible rate of speed. Super.
Ironically, I told Tim about two weeks ago that it was vital that I not hit my head before the showcase, so he was not allowed to teach certain moves in the Highland group.
In addition to now being concussed and dizzy, I had a surprise visit from a "friend" which I was working to avoid until after the showcase. Now I am dizzy, nauseous, and cramp-y. Fantastic Timing.
Ugh. I'm going to have to take it easy this week so I can be as healed as possible by Sunday.
Hitting my head eight days before my showcase in which I am doing a routine which involves spinning constantly for two and a half minutes at an incredible rate of speed. Super.
Ironically, I told Tim about two weeks ago that it was vital that I not hit my head before the showcase, so he was not allowed to teach certain moves in the Highland group.
In addition to now being concussed and dizzy, I had a surprise visit from a "friend" which I was working to avoid until after the showcase. Now I am dizzy, nauseous, and cramp-y. Fantastic Timing.
Ugh. I'm going to have to take it easy this week so I can be as healed as possible by Sunday.
Countdown
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Lets see.... I have eight day left until my showcase.... My viennese is crazy fast and crazy difficult.. I have two hours to learn and master the ending of my routine as well. Yikes. I'm not as nervous as usual though. I guess I am getting used to performing.
I talked with Tim the other day for a long time about teaching and how people get to do that. It was a good talk and I have a bit of a game plan now.
I have officially lost 40 lbs since my highest weight. Pretty exciting. 45 more lbs to go though. I am determined to be done with all of it by December.
I talked with Tim the other day for a long time about teaching and how people get to do that. It was a good talk and I have a bit of a game plan now.
I have officially lost 40 lbs since my highest weight. Pretty exciting. 45 more lbs to go though. I am determined to be done with all of it by December.
Odd
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I'm in an odd place right now.
I'm experiencing emotions that I really thought were dead. I continue to be surprised by my thoughts. I didn't think I had it in me anymore. While I find I really like these emotions, they scare the dickens out of me as well. I am continually trying to reality check as a self-preservation, but my spidey senses are tingling.
I love my rational, unemotional side. It tends to win out 90% of the time. I like to force it to win sometimes.
So, I'm fighting right now. Fighting to maintain rationality. Fighting to keep emotions at bay.
Praying to maintain wisdom and discernment and for God to take control so I don't have the opportunity to screw myself up.
I'm experiencing emotions that I really thought were dead. I continue to be surprised by my thoughts. I didn't think I had it in me anymore. While I find I really like these emotions, they scare the dickens out of me as well. I am continually trying to reality check as a self-preservation, but my spidey senses are tingling.
I love my rational, unemotional side. It tends to win out 90% of the time. I like to force it to win sometimes.
So, I'm fighting right now. Fighting to maintain rationality. Fighting to keep emotions at bay.
Praying to maintain wisdom and discernment and for God to take control so I don't have the opportunity to screw myself up.
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About Me
- Kim Smith
- I am a work in progress. Gold being purified through these flames.
My Blog List
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He That Has the Son Has Life5 years ago
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Red River Gorge11 years ago
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I couldn't make this up if I tried13 years ago
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Rickshaw tribute14 years ago
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prayer and petition14 years ago
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speaking of Earth Day15 years ago
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Madison16 years ago
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雪 It's Snowing 雪16 years ago
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It's Live17 years ago
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