Today

Today is the day that I admit to the rest of the world that my brain is not working. I have been struggling a great deal thinking about why God would bring me to life, give me some decent smarts to begin with, then slowly take it all away. I am almost done with the testing portion of college, and now I can't seem to pass a test. Why now? Couldn't I just have graduated first? Then maybe I could be doing something worthwhile while my brain deteriorates. I am trying to figure out what I will be useful for when I am done with school. God gave me a break last week and let me play with some kids. I felt the most at home and the most useful and the most happy I have in a long time. So, anyway, as I was getting ready this morning and resigning to the fact that I will no longer be a "normal" college student after today, a Relient K song came into my head. It used to have a much different meaning for me, but you can imagine the change in the meaning now.

Relient K

-More than Useless

I feel like

I would like

To be somewhere else doing something that matters

And I’ll admit here

While I sit here

My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What’s the purpose

It feels worthless

So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value

I can’t find it

Not in the least bit

And I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all

And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all

But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless

And when I think that I can’t do this

You promise me that I’ll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

So I say if I can’t

Do something significant

I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted

And nothing trivial

That life could give me will

Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look

My date book

Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone

And I bet

That regret

Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

I’m a little more than useless

And when I think that I can’t do this

You promise me that I’ll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless

And I never knew I knew this

Was gonna be the day

Gonna be the day

That I would do something right

Do something right for once

I noticed

I know this

Week is a symbol of how I use my time

Resent it

I spent it

Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine

Without me

Doing anything of any consequence

Without me

Showing any sign of ever making sense

Of my time

It’s my life

And my right

To use it like I should

Like He would

For the good

Of everything that I would ever know

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I would not recommend leaving a comment on this post. Just let it alone. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. This used to be my journal. Then I tamed it down for those who were reading, but it is going back to being my journal again.

Music

I wake up to this song every morning and I sing part of it every night. I have not been doing well lately. Therefore, this song brings me great hope. Although, I do not like the sound of it in the morning (no body likes the sound of their alarm), the song gets stuck in my head and reminds me of who God is.

Chris Rice - Smellin' Coffee

Last thing I remember, sayin’ bye to yesterday

Glad to see it over, pullin’ covers over my head

But what were You doin’ while I dreamt the night away

‘Cause I can tell that somethin’s different and my eyes ain’t even open yet

I’m smellin’ coffee

Bird’s are singin’ just outside

Here comes Your mercy streamin’ in with the morning light

My heart is racing waking up to Your smile

It’s a good morning, yeah

It’s a good morning

Well I remember readin’ You’re the God who never sleeps

And while I’ve been dreamin’ You’ve been singing over me, yeah

Singin’ about my freedom, wakin’ me up to hear Your song,

And now I can’t dance hard enough

‘Cause yesterday is gone, gone, gone!

I’m smellin’ coffee
Bird’s are singin’ just outside
Here comes Your mercy streamin’ in with the morning light
My heart is racing waking up to Your smile
It’s a good morning, yeah
It’s a good morning

Every little breath, every heartbeat

Is a gift of love that You give to me

You keep givin’ even when I’m asleep

‘Cause I know You never stop watching over me

I wake up, my past is gone

‘Cause Your mercy’s new with the mornin’ sun

I’m forgiven, I’m free, it’s a brand new day

‘Cause Your faithfulness is the greatest (hey!)

I’m smellin’ coffee
Bird’s are singin’ just outside
Here comes Your mercy streamin’ in with the morning light
My heart is racing waking up to Your smile
It’s a good morning, yeah
It’s a good morning

As I type this post, my roommate is playing another one of my favorite songs.

Seventh Day Slumber - Caroline

Where do I begin?

There's so much I want to say to make it easier

Tomorrow's on its way

Do you believe I want to take your painful memories?

I know you want to run away

I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline

Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life

Make you feel beautiful again

Caroline

Don't throw it all away

I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Yesterday is gone and

Everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground

I'm here to bring you home

I will always take you back

You haven't let me down

I know you want to run away

I know that you can't see tomorrow

Caroline

Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life

Make you feel beautiful again

Caroline

Don't throw it all away

I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

And when you're feeling all alone and you can't go on

Remember I am here

And when you think you've gone too far

I'll meet you where you are

My arms are open wide

Caroline

Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life

Make you feel beautiful again

Caroline

Don't throw it all away

I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline

Let me wipe away your tears, and give you life

Make you feel beautiful again

Caroline

Don't throw it all away

I'm here tonight, to take away your pain

Caroline

Whatatexas

Kevin was incredibly generous and flew me out to Austin for my birthday. It was an amazing trip. I am going to do a Cory style post and do pictures with commentary. The pictures are unfortunately totally out of order of the trip, but blogger was not really cooperating. Enjoy!

Picture didn't turn out so well, but the moon was so bright.
Portable roasting marshmallows.... amazing....

Lighthouse across from The Oasis
The dam at sunset
The view from the top of a cliff.... The camera couldn't capture the coolness....
The view from the same cliff in the other direction....
Austin skyline at night.

TEXACO! I tried forever to take a picture of this.
Beautiful sunset
More sunset
More sunset
The dam at sunset

Doing a Cory style jig in front of the oldest dance hall in Texas
Awesome view of hills...
They tell me this is a duck... I don't believe it... I think their turkeys have just tricked them...
Beautiful blue and beautiful hills....
BIGGEST STINKING CHAIN SAW EVER!

I guess everything really is bigger in Texas.

A woman taking a picture of me on the bridge as I take a picture of her on the river walk boat.
Waterfall on the river walk
Kevin and I in front of the water fall on the river walk
Texas is the first time I have ever seen a palm tree in person!
Gruene Hall. The oldest dance hall in the state

Star of Texas
A view of the hallway before the court yard of the Alamo
Kevin and I posing in front of the fountain in the court yard of the Alamo
I like to pose with inanimate men....
The river walk in San Antonio

A really cool church in San Antonia
Where's the basement?
Cool tree picture
Another cool tree picture
Yikes... a cannon ball...

Austin city sky line

It was Superbowl weekend even in Texas!
I would like to live on Wonder World Dr.
Awesome church on the side of the road

My first stop in Austin..... What - A - Burger!

Does this symbol look familiar to anyone.

Kevin's house from Kevin's rental car

This was a sign a Rudy's right next to the crazy hand washing thing which is like a spa for your fingers. Kevin made me try it, so I took a sticker that said I have clean hands and proceeded to wear it all day because I forgot I had it on. I like this sign. I may hang it up in my room.

I was amazed at all the layers of highways. I thought I was a big city girl.... Apparently not....

The Snake Farm. 'nough said

Slayter

I wish I had had my camera with me. I wish I could describe to you the amount of people who were on Slayter Hill last night. We had our first real snow yesterday. And you could tell that all of Purdue had been chomping at the bit for the opportunity to play in the snow. I would say maybe about 1,000 (although I am not good at estimating) people were out on the hill for the twenty minutes I was there before the police came and closed down the hill. It was amazing. College life at it's best. Although there was obviously the smell of alcohol in the air, it was not the main focus of the event. This was a time when all types of people on Purdue's Campus could join together for some good old fashion fun.

My favorite sledding device: A dorm mattress covered with plastic bags.
My least favorite sledding device: The hood of some one's car. (Yikes!)

My group of consisting of about eleven of my friends retreated to another hill on campus which we had all to ourselves. We proceeded to sled for two hours. The best group sleds were: two long sled and two stacks of three girls laying on each other and one girls balancing on top of the two stacks; all eleven of us linked together carrying all the rest of the sleds and went down together in one massive blob of human appendages. Quality fun. Again, college life at its best.

Purdue

For all of you who want to know what it is like to go to a secular school when you turn twenty-one, I will give you a brief glimpse.

From PUSH (Purdue University Student Health) - I received a letter telling me to try not to die on my twenty-first birthday along with a nifty wallet card explaining what to do in case I overdose on alcohol.

From Hilltop (My University Residence Hall) - I received a sucker and a birthday card telling me not to let myself die on my twenty-first birthday.

From Purdue - I received a very long fact sheet about the dangers of alcohol and they also told me that 21 shots in 21 minutes is not a tradition, its just plain stupid.

Apparently, I am supposed to go out an get wasted tonight. Thanks Purdue for making sure I got the memo in time.... (for those of you who can't tell, this is dripping with sarcasm)

Granted, I am glad that Purdue is taking time to warn people. But it is a sad state of affairs that this even needs to happen.


By the way, thank you for all of the birthday wishes I received today!

Year

A year ago today.....

My life changed a great deal a year ago today. I went through a great deal. I think it is important to reflect. Reflect, not dwell.

Just wanted to take a minute to reflect.

I had typed a lot, but I think it is better to provide everyone time to reflect.

Flu

I'm all done with the flu. It is official! I ate my first chocolate chip waffle this morning and I do not feel any nasty side effects! SWEET! Still, not as good as Ben Liskey's chocolate chip pancakes, but its the closest I can get. Anyway, I've decided I am going to be healthy this week. After two (week long) illnesses, I am excited to not be sick and not go to PUSH! Hooray!

School

Well, today is the first day of school.... Again....

So, I thought I would add some lyrics to some school related songs!

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!

-The Wall, Pink Floyd


Back to school!
Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool!
I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight,
I hope I don't get in a fight!
Ohhhh, back to school!
Back to school!
Back to school!
Well, here goes nothing!

-Billy Madison

Someone please save us, us college kids
What my parents told me is what i did
They said go to school and be a college kid
But in the end I questioned why I did

I'm poor, I'm starving, I'm flat broke, I've got no cash to spend
Sell all my books for front row tickets to Dave Matthews band
My girlfriends at another school I know this year will test her
I called, found out she had 3 other boyfriends last semester

[Chorus]And that's why I say
Oh no, not for me, not for me
Call it torture, call it university
No, arts and crafts is all i need
I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree

-College Kids, Relient K

Back when I was in third grade
I woke up late for school one day
I ran around trying to get dressed
I left the house with my hair a mess

I got to class
I was met with a shock
The teacher stood and pointed at the clock
And said "Show and tell, you're the last one left.
You'd better go or you'll get an F."

Got up in front of the whole class
I was sweaty, nervous, thinkin' fast
I had not brought anything to show
So I thought I'd tell the kids what they needed to know-oh!

(Chorus)Took my heart to show and tell
So all the kids could see inside, I
Took my heart to show and tell
And now they know I've got Christ in my life (x2)

I told them Jesus was my best friend
He's there for me to hold my hand
I said that he'd do the same for you
If you'd just believe that he's true

-Show and Tell, Relient K

Disgust

I have another adventures in retail story.

A woman came up to the register looking rather sheepish the other day. The magazine she was purchasing was upside down. This is not really out of the ordinary because many people will turn their merchandise which ever way they think the scanner works (The difference between a scanner gun and a surface scanner). So I didn't really think too much of it. I flip over the magazine and it is the December issue of Playboy. I must have given some sort of look, although I tried desperately to hide my surprise at a woman purchasing this item. She rather sheepishly at first but then with some amount of anger said, "My husband was angry Christmas morning when he realized I did not get him his annual Christmas surprise." Now, I do not know what my expression was at this point, but I was beyond disgusted. That a man would not only accept one from his wife, let alone ask his wife for a Playboy is beyond my imagination. Then, even worse, this man had the gall to be angry at his wife when she did not deliver his porn.

I try not to have a cynical view of men. I know not all men are like this despicable character. However, it is the actions of these few men (animals is more like it, for they do not even deserve such a title as men) that make me terrified of marriage. I know many Christian men exist that are pure-hearted, loving, and selfless. My hope and prayer for all of the women I know is that we may avoid, resist, and even flee from any man that is less then the aforementioned standard. That we may not put ourselves out into the world to "date" around with someone who is any less than someone with these standards. It is too easy to fall into a relationship because you are lonely or need some companionship. Then before you realize it, you are not the one in control of yourself. You are not in the relationship for companionship. You are stuck and you cannot get out. So you wind up buying this person porn, though every fiber of your being tells you not to and you hate yourself for allowing your self to be pushed into this act. Women, do not let yourselves fall victim to some stupid boy who is any less than the perfect man which God has ordained for you. Do not let your hearts be trampled upon by some narcissistic boy. Wait for God's man who will allow you and even help you to become the strong, beautiful (interior), and holy women you were designed to be.

For those of you, who have already experienced a relationship as seen the sad example from my job. Do not fear. I know the feeling, I understand that you believe you have too much baggage for anyone to ever be able to overcome. I know you have gotten to the point where you hide from relationships because you don't want someone else to have to deal with your crap. You'd rather save them from the pain of trying to overcome all that you have tried and failed to overcome for all these years. But, if you are able to somehow trust another male figure. God, can take you and break down your walls. He can soften your scar hardened heart. And he can take away your baggage, one pound at a time. He can heal your wounds. He will be the love you have always longed for and at some point, when you are most satisfied in him. He will bring the man he intended into your life and this man will be a tangible example of the love of God. I do not want to say that I have reached this point, although it may improve my credibility if I had. But, I am deep in the trenches and I will fight my way out along side of any other women who is fighting. With a powerful and, above all, loving God we can still be healed.

I will finish with some song lyrics. I pray that for most women, that you would see these lyrics and learn from them, so these lyrics will never be such a representation of your life as they have been for mine.

"Stupid Boy"

Well, she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in

Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind

She let her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy, stupid boy

Oh

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it push it around

I guess you build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

She let her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost

The only thing that ever made you feel alive

Yeah, yeah

Well, she let her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

Yes, ya did

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old

Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run

But when she did, she was long gone

Long gone, long gone

Retail

Adventures in Retail

Twas a few days before Christmas and all through the store, the shoppers were scurrying and collecting their gifts. When all of sudden mid-transaction, a man at the next register said hello. Okay, that is enough "Twas the Night"ing..... So we are insanely busy at the register and I am working with this lady on a rather complicated order, when the customer at the next register says, "ma'am? hi". I say hi back and think uh-oh. So I continue with my transaction, trying to look as busy as possible, then he says "what's your name?" I say Kim. It is now fully decided that this will not end well. I continue with my transaction, trying to forget that he is staring at me. I'm struggling to pay attention to what is going on in my transaction. Next thing I know, he asks me if I am "seeing anyone". I say no (I don't want to lie, so I just sort of breathe out the no) and continue with my transaction. I was hot before and I am now on fire due to embarrassment. The fellow employee that I kid around with who is working below me at my feet is now snickering with delight at my situation. The guy now says, "Can I give you my number". In as un-encouraging tone as I can make I say, "If you want." I go back to my transaction. Thoroughly embarrassed. He then asks for a piece of paper. I tear out some register tape and hand it to the employee next to me to give to the man. The customer I am with adds to the trauma of the situation by saying, "Ahhh, how sweet! Love is in the air!" I am now horrified at the proceedings. (Did I mention that this guy is at LEAST ten years older than me?) So "Angel" as we will call him (not for any reason other than that is reminiscent of his name) gives me the piece of paper with his name on it. I say thank you. And again continue with the transaction I am working on. He then asks for my number. My customer is smiling about how cute she thinks the whole situation is. I reply with, "I don't give mine out." He lady in front of me stops smiling. She has now realized I am not interested. He says OK and thank you and walks out. As I am writing this, I recall, that last year at my last place of employment, this same "Angel" came in the store and asked for my number. I told him at the time that I did not live in town and that I did not have a land line at my home. (I left out the information about my cell phone.) Weird. Anyway, just wanted to share some of my adventures in retail.