Known

Here's a tidbit about me that most probably don't know. It scares me to be known and yet I long for it. There are probably a handful of people who truly know me. A very small group. You might be surprised to discover that you are not on that list. I'm going to say like four or five people. There are some of those people who make me feel safer and appreciated because they know me. They know what I am capable of and what choices I am likely to make and generally what goes through my head. There are a few people who are beginning to know me that make me feel very unsafe and concerned with their knowledge.

I have a general distrust of people. I'm not sure how that started or what caused it, but as a general rule. I don't trust you. I don't care how long I have known you. I still have moments of not trusting you. There are people that my head tells me I can trust and then I have to fight off my emotions of distrust repeatedly. But there are those who prove the point over and over again and they make me glad I have the general rule of distrust.

Due to this distrust I tend to not let anybody in. I don't divulge much about myself. Some might call me aloof. I don't let people get to know me and I don't let people get me emotionally involved. I would much rather listen to anybody tell more about themselves than to tell them what is running through my head. It's scary to me. I guess I dread having my inner most thoughts used against me. Probably why it is easiest for me to blog about external things. Most things are related to my dance or stories that happened to me. But very rarely do you get a blog like today which delves into who I really am.

Recently I have discovered that I am known by someone. I'm not really sure how I let that happen. It grates on my skin anytime a comment is made. I don't want this person to know me. It makes me feel extremely unsafe to have this person call me on things about myself or know my thoughts and motives. Very alarming. I am not sure how to undo this process, but I want to. Badly.

As I am writing, I think these feelings of alarm are generally attached to a gender now that I think about it. I have a much easier time letting women know me. There is one male who knows me and I feel safe in that knowledge, but there are still moments when it freaks me out.

Anyway, all these thoughts were brought on my staring at my new credit card holder which is red with white polka dots. I didn't really know I had a thing for red with white polka dots. I knew I liked polka dots, but didn't realize the preference. Alarming to have this new person point out something that I didn't realize about myself. This is one of the more shallow aspects, but there have been more and deeper character trait analysis that have really gotten under my skin.

Alas, it seems that I am stuck with this problem person for now and mums the word for the future. As a friend of mine used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight". Maybe I'll stop talking after midnight.