Waiting

It's been a long month. I have been struggling with balance this month. I have meant to write several times because I have had lots of thoughts, but very little time. So this is going to be sort of pieced together for the month.

I have been struggling quite a bit with balance lately. My life seems to be constantly running out of time. My daily schedule looks something like this (provided it has not recently snowed or it starts much earlier):

• 4:45 alarm starts going off
• 5:15 roll out of bed
• 5:30 leave the house
• 6:00 arrive at parkinson's house
• 6:15 parents have left, power nap
• 6:40 wake up kids, return to family room and power nap
• 7:10 pester kids to get moving faster
• 7:20 get kids breakfast
• 7:30 get their backpacks ready
• 7:40 walk to bus stop
• 7:45 kids get picked up, and i head home
• 8:20 back to my bed
• 11:35 alarm starts going off
• 12:00 roll out of bed
• 12:30 workout
• 1:30 tan
• 2:00 shower
• 2:30 head to church to pick up files
• 3:00 work at home
• 5:00 head to studio
• 11:00 home from studio
• 12:00 roll back into bed
• rinse and repeat

I long to spend time with Carrie and her family. I rarely get to do that anymore. The best that I can usually fit it in is to go work at her house instead of mine or see her at the office when we both have to be here. I long to just sit and watch a movie. To veg and relax and simply do nothing. I love to stay out late at night. I am by nature a night owl. I want to go out after being at the studio, but know I will pay for it in the morning. I want to read the three books I have sitting next to my bed. I want to study my bible more.

Here is where the catch-22 comes in. If I gave up my job babysitting early in the morning, I would be able to sleep like a normal person and get all 8 hours of sleep in one setting. I would be able to start my church work and workout routine earlier and be able to see the Liskeys more often. However, this job with the Parkinson's is the difference between me being able to advance in my dancing and simply taking a lesson. I wouldn't be able to swing it without the job. I want nothing more than to be able to dance for the rest of my life. I want to teach. I want to turn pro. I just feel like there isn't enough of me to go around and some days I get massively discouraged.

One week, when I was struggling deeply with the balance issue, I declared to myself, "Why can't I?" Most people live their whole lives doing something they don't enjoy. Most people never discover what it is that they truly love to do. Why can't I work for my dreams and make it happen. I WANT to make it happen. I realized that meant making some sacrifices. I would do my best to spend time with the people who I need to spend time with, but I would accept that there will never be enough time to do it all. I will accept that I will continually feel on the edge of illness due to exhaustion because someday I will be good enough to be hired on by a studio and I will be able to stop the job that is wiping me out.

I decided that the reason why most people give up on their dreams is because it is not the easiest route to go. It is much easier to settle for less. It is much easier to accept mediocre, but I want the abundant life. John 10:10. I don't want to settle for the easy road and I don't want to waste the natural ability I have been given.

My birthday was an interesting time. I was still deeply in the midst of this internal struggle and completely and totally exhausted. I remember saying to Carrie that I wasn't ready for the weekend. I was tired from a week of work and the weekend was going to be very VERY busy. My birthday weekend was a good one though. Mom allowed me to do what I love best and I danced every day that weekend. We went to dinner on Sunday and she gave me the amazing gift of no pressure. She was relaxed and let schedule the weekend in the way that was easiest and best for me. Thanks mom! Not to mention I now smell beautifully.

However, Carrie and Danno gave me some amazing gifts. As I have said, I have been unable to be as present as I have been in the past. The increase in dancing time has affected the Liskey clan more than anyone else. I was constantly riddled with guilt. But they gave me a gift which was far beyond the actual material gifts. They gave me support and encouragement. Carrie is writing me a children's book for me to read to my children one day about my journey into dancing. She also gave me a notebook full of inspirational dancing quotes to use as I teach and continue to learn. Danno gave me a dance book which has technique and figures in it. Amazing gifts, but they speak far beyond their materials. Carrie told me she was proud of me and amazed that I was pursuing my dreams. It was incredibly valuable to me to know that the person I feel like I am most letting down is not begrudging my decisions, but supporting them. Amazing.

Last week was a rough one again. I had a series of really rough lessons with my instructor. He has not competed in several years and I think the pressure may be mounting on him as well. We normally get along exceedingly well, but he was down right mean the last two lessons. He would laugh in my face as I made a mistake or would explain my mistake, then proceed to show me how stupid it looked, and then continue on in the action until I caved. My confidence was shattered. I was frustrated by how hard I was working and yet apparently still sucked. I didn't sleep at all. I was running through routines and I was very hard on my body as I fought to regain the technique I was told that I lost.

Right before my lesson this Friday, I watched Fireproof. It is an incredible movie, but more than that it has a great song in it.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You,

Lord And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

- While I'm Waiting - John Waller

This song spoke to me of waiting on the Lord. Being patient and believing He is in control despite how much it sucks. I headed to my lesson feeling stronger and more at peace than I had in a long time. I was able to stand up for myself to Tim and explain that I couldn't handle him laughing at me. We normally kid around a lot, but it had gone too far. He was fine and I had a good lesson. He still pushed really hard, but I left feeling capable of making the changes that needed to be made.

On the 18th, I will have my first coaching session with Ray Rivers. I am completely terrified, but I know that I will drastically better for the experience. It is a lot of money, but it further puts me on the track of where I want to be.

The comp is coming up. I will be competing on the mornings of Feb 27th and 28th. I am nervous, but the focus has overcome the nervousness.

That's enough thoughts for now.