Known

Here's a tidbit about me that most probably don't know. It scares me to be known and yet I long for it. There are probably a handful of people who truly know me. A very small group. You might be surprised to discover that you are not on that list. I'm going to say like four or five people. There are some of those people who make me feel safer and appreciated because they know me. They know what I am capable of and what choices I am likely to make and generally what goes through my head. There are a few people who are beginning to know me that make me feel very unsafe and concerned with their knowledge.

I have a general distrust of people. I'm not sure how that started or what caused it, but as a general rule. I don't trust you. I don't care how long I have known you. I still have moments of not trusting you. There are people that my head tells me I can trust and then I have to fight off my emotions of distrust repeatedly. But there are those who prove the point over and over again and they make me glad I have the general rule of distrust.

Due to this distrust I tend to not let anybody in. I don't divulge much about myself. Some might call me aloof. I don't let people get to know me and I don't let people get me emotionally involved. I would much rather listen to anybody tell more about themselves than to tell them what is running through my head. It's scary to me. I guess I dread having my inner most thoughts used against me. Probably why it is easiest for me to blog about external things. Most things are related to my dance or stories that happened to me. But very rarely do you get a blog like today which delves into who I really am.

Recently I have discovered that I am known by someone. I'm not really sure how I let that happen. It grates on my skin anytime a comment is made. I don't want this person to know me. It makes me feel extremely unsafe to have this person call me on things about myself or know my thoughts and motives. Very alarming. I am not sure how to undo this process, but I want to. Badly.

As I am writing, I think these feelings of alarm are generally attached to a gender now that I think about it. I have a much easier time letting women know me. There is one male who knows me and I feel safe in that knowledge, but there are still moments when it freaks me out.

Anyway, all these thoughts were brought on my staring at my new credit card holder which is red with white polka dots. I didn't really know I had a thing for red with white polka dots. I knew I liked polka dots, but didn't realize the preference. Alarming to have this new person point out something that I didn't realize about myself. This is one of the more shallow aspects, but there have been more and deeper character trait analysis that have really gotten under my skin.

Alas, it seems that I am stuck with this problem person for now and mums the word for the future. As a friend of mine used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight". Maybe I'll stop talking after midnight.

Lesson

So for those of you who haven't heard yet about how my lesson with Ray and Tim went, here is the summation:


I went in extremely nervous. Tim and I had both planned on focusing primarily on smooth. It is my weakest area because it is not my instructors forte.

The lesson started with Tim telling Ray that we wanted to focus on smooth so that Ray could fix my frame. Ray then proceeded to fix Tim's Frame and comment on how my frame and symmetry was beautiful. The lesson pretty much proceeded in that manner. I would be given a few things to work on mostly related to making my height match Tim's and then did more major critiques on Tim. At one point while Tim and I were dancing and were a little further away from Ray, Tim said, "So everything is my fault?" Silence is the only available response to that question.

The rhythm was a different story. That is Tim's forte and that portion of the coaching was very concentrated on fixing me, which is good. But a good 80% of my lesson was spent on fixing things with Tim.

So after the lesson, I had very mixed feelings. Tim's ego tends to be fragile and if it is bruised he tends to take that out on me, so I was afraid of our next lesson. I was ecstatic that Ray had seen so much good in my dancing and I was feeling confident for the comp. I was angry about spending money to train my instructor and yet knew that it was necessary to be able to continue to dance with Tim which I want to continue.

After considering the lesson for a few days, I realized the lesson was completely worth it. It was beneficial for my self-esteem. And in order to keep improving with my instructor, he needs to keep improving. The changes that were made during the lesson will only make me look better in the comp and that is of key importance right now anyway. So, my only fears remaining were dealing with Tim's potential ego problems.

So dancing with Tim on Thursday went well and my lesson on Friday went well. He was concerned about my back and shoulders on Thursday and was very protective of me from the leads who hurt me more than normal. He was also kidding around with me a great deal.

I had spend the entire day on Friday throwing up and having other bathroom issues. I was praying all day for it to stop before my lesson because it is one of my last practices before the comp. The symptoms finally did stop at about 4:30 PM. However, I had lost almost all of my fluids and most of what I had eaten the day before. I had only been able to eat 5 saltines and hadn't been able to drink much.

I went to my lesson simply pleased to be able to stand up straight. I danced well, but not at the top of my game. I was proud of how well I danced despite my bodies physical condition. (April had told me before that is the marking of a truly good dancer, some one who can dance well despite the feeling of dying.) Tim could see that I was not doing well physically and was clearly concerned. He couldn't figure out what my problem was and I didn't tell him the whole truth. We finished my lesson and I ran an errand with mom to cool down and get some beverages and crackers to recharge myself.

I came back to the studio for the party, planning to take it easy on myself. I didn't do the group lesson. (rare) It was salsa. (even stranger that I would sit out) This peaked everyone's interest. I was sitting in my normal spot leaning against the wall and Tim came over and sat right next to me. This is rare as well. Despite the fact that dancing at a high level requires body contact throughout the entire body, most of us operate at a distance from each other off the dance floor. The conversation followed.

T: What are you doing?
K: Sitting. What are you doing?
T: Nothing.
K: I don't buy that. You look mischievous.
T: (Evil Grin followed by a few seconds of silence)
T: So was your coaching what you expected?
K: No.
T: How so?
K: Umm... (struggling with how to respond knowing that he was referring to him being critique more than me)
T: Was it easier or harder than you expected?
K: Easier. He is far more intimidating in the group lessons and such a perfectionist. I was expecting to leave feeling like I sucked, but I left feeling rather confident.
T: (a couple of moments of contemplation) Were you disappointed?
K: (at this point I realized we were talking about the core issue about him receiving the brunt of the teaching) No, I feel more confident about the comp and I think I will do better after getting his coaching.
T: Okay, well next time I will tell him to dig into you too. (said with a smile on his face)
K: (smiling) Sounds good.

This is basically how Tim and I operate. Both of us are extremely non-confrontational and therefore we talk around the issue and yet still get the issues absolved.

So Tim's ego may have been bruised and he seemed rather embarrassed, but he didn't take it out on me. I am ready for the comp dance wise and instructor wise. All I need to do now is get healthy. I need to distance myself from the flu stuff I have been struggling with for a few weeks and this cold that I have which has given me a nasty cough and the inability to breathe.

Six days until the comp!

Fly

I should be asleep. Tomorrow will come very early, but I am just too wired.

My lesson tonight is the very reason why I dance. I had a lesson with Tim. Tomorrow is my lesson with Ray. I have been frustrated a lot and struggling with a lot of specifics with all of my dances. It has weighed heavily on my mind and confidence.

However, tonight as I was practicing with a normal dance partner and I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. Normally, my first reaction is to attack some specific physical aspect, like my acne or my stomach, but tonight, I didn't see that. I looked in the mirror and the only thing that went through my mind was that I looked graceful. My legs and body looked strong and I was moving well. It was nice to see myself in that light. Rare, but nice.

Then I went to eat with my practice partner and relaxed before my lesson, instead of doing the group lesson. When I came back I was relaxed and refreshed. Tim came out and the three of us chatted for a bit before he and I hit the floor. We did each of the 10 dances I am doing twice (the equivalent of what I will be doing that weekend). There were only minor corrections on my rhythm style dancing. I was laughing and having fun and enjoying doing the dances. It didn't feel like work today. Tim picked all of my favorite songs.

Then the last song in the first set of 10 was a Viennese Waltz. This has been my biggest struggle lately. I have been struggling with my frame and something called a natural turn and it is extremely difficult to get the room alignments correct. It is a fast dance and there is not much room for error. A few degrees off on each and you have a big big mess. Anyway, my favorite Viennese song came on. One I wanted to do for a showcase as a matter of fact. I looked at Tim and groaned and he groaned too.

We started doing a few hesitation steps then went into some reversal (similar to the naturals, but much easier as far as alignment goes). All was well. Then we approached the long wall and did a change step. This is a maneuver to change which foot is free. Then we went into naturals and for the first time, they felt good. I was excited, but afraid it was a fluke. Another change step, more reversals, an explosion (a turn in Viennese - called an explosion because the dance is so fast that breaking apart to turn looks a lot a explosion throwing the two people apart), another change step and more naturals. These felt good too!

I gave into the music and finally felt Viennese the way it is supposed to be. We were taking huge strides and the movement was coming easy and I felt it. I felt like I was flying. I felt above all of the stress and exhaustion. I felt like I was above all of the injuries and fears. I felt the exhilaration that this dance is supposed to encompass. Amazing! The song ended Tim threw me into another explosion and we finished in an open position. I was completely out of breath! I had to refocus and bring myself back down to earth. It was incredible. I felt free. The rest of the lesson went really well. I laughed and kidded around.

I feel completely relaxed for the competition. If I have more lessons like that then I will not be remotely nervous. I am nervous to see what Ray will throw into the mix, but I know he will add a lot to my dances. But tonight, I am excited (not nervous, excited) for the comp and loving every minute of what I do! Yay!

Checklist

Okay... This is really only for my benefit... I need to do a mental checklist of things I need to get done before the competition weekend.

Church

• Create and Print out new attendance sheets for March 1st
• Find a replacement for myself for March 1st
• Ask Julie if she will replace my Nursery worker for March 1st
• Ice skating outing on the 22nd. (I will not be skating for fear of injury right before the comp)
• Get Kiddie Kamp up-to-date
• Order 1st shipment of bibles
• Get church card paid off so I can buy bibles
• Talk to Pastor Mark about aid for Kindergarten Teacher
• Talk to Pastor Mark about aid for Kiddie Kamp
• Record Attendance for 22nd.
• Record perfect attendance for the month of February
• Select new song for kids to sing during offering
• Change bulletin board for new unit
• Create calendar for month of March
• Call Personal Journeys and Desperate Housewives small groups to remind them I need an attendance count every week.

Personal

• Wash and put away all clothes
• Clean clutter out of bedroom
• Vacuum bedroom
• Get Danno's Birthday Gift

Dance

• Coaching with Ray Rivers on 2/18
• Group lessons with Ray on 2/18 and 2/19
• Lesson with Tim on 2/20
• Final Lesson with Tim 2/24
• Pack for the hotel stay
• Try on dresses again
• Find appropriate undergarments for final selection of dance dresses
• Find a cover up to wear over gowns for the evening
• Decide how to wear my hair for both days of competition
• Pack beautifying stuff (hair, makeup, false eye-lashes)
• Test out putting on fake eye-lashes
• Manicure and Pedicure
• Tan four or five more times
• Chip in my portion for hotel stay
• Charge up Camera
• Pack highlighters for program
• Pack dresses in garment bag
• Pray and try to eliminate my nerves.

Marathon

Kevin, I'll be looking for some feedback on this one...

In talking with one of my dancing friends about my current back and shoulder problems, she compared our prepping for a competition to that of a marathon runner prepping for a marathon or a body builder prepping for a competition.

She has run a few marathons in the past and explains that after months and months of training, the competitor is often in their worst condition on the day of the competition. Bringing with them an array of icy-hot patches and pain killers. They are likely nursing an injury caused by gearing up their training.

If that is the case, then I am right on track. Currently, both shoulders are hurting (normally it is just my right) and my back is really hurting (normally just my lower back). I been trying to cram for this competition. I have been trying to drill in the correct frame for the smooth style of ballroom, which is an incredible unnatural pose for the woman. This is not totally new, but has not been emphasized this much in the past. I am trying to force this position to feel natural and comfortable enough to hold this position despite changes in my lower body. In order to do this it takes extreme strength in my back and shoulders which I have never had. Therefore, the muscles from my elbows down and my hind quarters up feel as though they are tied up in massive knots.

Try it: Here is the position for the women. 1. Stand up as straight and tall as possible both feet together with whole body facing forward. 2. Bend knees maintaining the length through the rest of your body. You should lose about 3 inches in height. 3. Roll shoulders as far back as they can go and then press them down into your core. 4. Bring arms up to be parallel with the floor. Continually push them forward applying constant pressure through your entire arms. 5. While keeping hips and feet facing forward, rotate your upper body to the right to almost a 45 degree angle. 5. Arch your lower back and lean backwards approximately 20 degrees. 6. Turn head left just shy of the left shoulder. Extend neck as high up as possible and look upwards. Meanwhile, maintain all of the length created in the first step. Now imagine changing the direction of travel, changing hip direction and concentrating on steps all while maintaining this incredibly unnatural position. This is what I am cramming.

I am just getting over the stomach flu and I have my lesson with Ray this week. I am just short of terrified. Tim is a pusher. He doesn't settle for anything less than my best. In fact sometimes he doesn't even settle for my best. He will be my partner during this lesson. Then there is Ray. Who is an incredible wealth of knowledge and also known to be a pusher. He is also known for putting you in the frame you need to be in and causing extreme soreness the next day. While I know this experience will be invaluable, I am so nervous. I want to make sure I am dancing at the best of my ability so as to get the most out of the hour I can.

We are in the count down until comp. Just a mere 11 days until I am competing. Yikes!

So Kev, do you agree that you are in your worst physical condition right before a race?

Waiting

It's been a long month. I have been struggling with balance this month. I have meant to write several times because I have had lots of thoughts, but very little time. So this is going to be sort of pieced together for the month.

I have been struggling quite a bit with balance lately. My life seems to be constantly running out of time. My daily schedule looks something like this (provided it has not recently snowed or it starts much earlier):

• 4:45 alarm starts going off
• 5:15 roll out of bed
• 5:30 leave the house
• 6:00 arrive at parkinson's house
• 6:15 parents have left, power nap
• 6:40 wake up kids, return to family room and power nap
• 7:10 pester kids to get moving faster
• 7:20 get kids breakfast
• 7:30 get their backpacks ready
• 7:40 walk to bus stop
• 7:45 kids get picked up, and i head home
• 8:20 back to my bed
• 11:35 alarm starts going off
• 12:00 roll out of bed
• 12:30 workout
• 1:30 tan
• 2:00 shower
• 2:30 head to church to pick up files
• 3:00 work at home
• 5:00 head to studio
• 11:00 home from studio
• 12:00 roll back into bed
• rinse and repeat

I long to spend time with Carrie and her family. I rarely get to do that anymore. The best that I can usually fit it in is to go work at her house instead of mine or see her at the office when we both have to be here. I long to just sit and watch a movie. To veg and relax and simply do nothing. I love to stay out late at night. I am by nature a night owl. I want to go out after being at the studio, but know I will pay for it in the morning. I want to read the three books I have sitting next to my bed. I want to study my bible more.

Here is where the catch-22 comes in. If I gave up my job babysitting early in the morning, I would be able to sleep like a normal person and get all 8 hours of sleep in one setting. I would be able to start my church work and workout routine earlier and be able to see the Liskeys more often. However, this job with the Parkinson's is the difference between me being able to advance in my dancing and simply taking a lesson. I wouldn't be able to swing it without the job. I want nothing more than to be able to dance for the rest of my life. I want to teach. I want to turn pro. I just feel like there isn't enough of me to go around and some days I get massively discouraged.

One week, when I was struggling deeply with the balance issue, I declared to myself, "Why can't I?" Most people live their whole lives doing something they don't enjoy. Most people never discover what it is that they truly love to do. Why can't I work for my dreams and make it happen. I WANT to make it happen. I realized that meant making some sacrifices. I would do my best to spend time with the people who I need to spend time with, but I would accept that there will never be enough time to do it all. I will accept that I will continually feel on the edge of illness due to exhaustion because someday I will be good enough to be hired on by a studio and I will be able to stop the job that is wiping me out.

I decided that the reason why most people give up on their dreams is because it is not the easiest route to go. It is much easier to settle for less. It is much easier to accept mediocre, but I want the abundant life. John 10:10. I don't want to settle for the easy road and I don't want to waste the natural ability I have been given.

My birthday was an interesting time. I was still deeply in the midst of this internal struggle and completely and totally exhausted. I remember saying to Carrie that I wasn't ready for the weekend. I was tired from a week of work and the weekend was going to be very VERY busy. My birthday weekend was a good one though. Mom allowed me to do what I love best and I danced every day that weekend. We went to dinner on Sunday and she gave me the amazing gift of no pressure. She was relaxed and let schedule the weekend in the way that was easiest and best for me. Thanks mom! Not to mention I now smell beautifully.

However, Carrie and Danno gave me some amazing gifts. As I have said, I have been unable to be as present as I have been in the past. The increase in dancing time has affected the Liskey clan more than anyone else. I was constantly riddled with guilt. But they gave me a gift which was far beyond the actual material gifts. They gave me support and encouragement. Carrie is writing me a children's book for me to read to my children one day about my journey into dancing. She also gave me a notebook full of inspirational dancing quotes to use as I teach and continue to learn. Danno gave me a dance book which has technique and figures in it. Amazing gifts, but they speak far beyond their materials. Carrie told me she was proud of me and amazed that I was pursuing my dreams. It was incredibly valuable to me to know that the person I feel like I am most letting down is not begrudging my decisions, but supporting them. Amazing.

Last week was a rough one again. I had a series of really rough lessons with my instructor. He has not competed in several years and I think the pressure may be mounting on him as well. We normally get along exceedingly well, but he was down right mean the last two lessons. He would laugh in my face as I made a mistake or would explain my mistake, then proceed to show me how stupid it looked, and then continue on in the action until I caved. My confidence was shattered. I was frustrated by how hard I was working and yet apparently still sucked. I didn't sleep at all. I was running through routines and I was very hard on my body as I fought to regain the technique I was told that I lost.

Right before my lesson this Friday, I watched Fireproof. It is an incredible movie, but more than that it has a great song in it.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You,

Lord And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

- While I'm Waiting - John Waller

This song spoke to me of waiting on the Lord. Being patient and believing He is in control despite how much it sucks. I headed to my lesson feeling stronger and more at peace than I had in a long time. I was able to stand up for myself to Tim and explain that I couldn't handle him laughing at me. We normally kid around a lot, but it had gone too far. He was fine and I had a good lesson. He still pushed really hard, but I left feeling capable of making the changes that needed to be made.

On the 18th, I will have my first coaching session with Ray Rivers. I am completely terrified, but I know that I will drastically better for the experience. It is a lot of money, but it further puts me on the track of where I want to be.

The comp is coming up. I will be competing on the mornings of Feb 27th and 28th. I am nervous, but the focus has overcome the nervousness.

That's enough thoughts for now.

Challenge

We are in the count down to the Indiana Challenge.





Yes, I am still going to do it. Yes, I am still going to dance as many dances as I can. I am determined to live out my dreams. I will not settle for less or let myself be discouraged from following my passions.





Anyway, by my count there are about seven weeks til the competition. I am getting nervous. I am not sure why. I will be competing way below my level, so I should be ok, but nervous still. It should be interesting, my teachers has not competed in several years. It should be interesting to see him gear up for competition.





Life is busy busy busy in the meantime. Hard to believe what all I manage to cram into each day. Oh well, workin hard to make my dreams come true. Go Big or Go Home!

Showcase

So, it has been a long time coming. I apologise. I had some technical difficulties with the video camera. For those of you who could not attend the showcase. Here are the video clips of me dancing in order of their occurrence. Please do not post these anywhere else, as I do not really want anyone who doesn't know me to see them. I will also be deleting them shortly off of the website that is hosting them. So I would suggest saving it to your computer or I can try to make you a copy of the video, but the DVD transfer is not going well. Thanks.

First Up:

Advanced American Style Waltz Freestyle

(Freestyle implies that there are multiple couples on the floor and that the dance is not choreographed. It is strictly lead and follow. No pre-established plans.)

This is in night vision. Mom couldn't figure out how to turn it off. And therefore I look enormous. Oh well.

Waltz

Second Up:

Advanced American Style Tango Freestyle

This is in night vision. Mom couldn't figure out how to turn it off. And therefore I look enormous. Oh well.

Tango

Third Up:

Dancing with James. General Dancing. The only non-showpiece I got to do all night. Hustle

Fourth Up:

American Style Bolero Solo

(Solo implies just one couple on the floor and the routine is choreographed and rehearsed. Bolero is only an American style dance and one of the most romantic of the rhythm dances.)

This one is a large disappointment to me because Tim forgot the ending the routine and could not recover. I was so bummed. I had done a perfect routine up until that portion.

Bolero

Fifth Up:

American Style Cha Cha Freestyle

This dress was a lot of exposure for me, so I held back quite a bit on this dance for fear a wardrobe malfunction.

Cha Cha

Sixth Up:

American Style East Coast Swing Freestyle

Same dress problem. Held back a lot of my normal swing attitude.

Swing

Seventh Up:

Formation

(These are a variety of warm-up routines which Ray Rivers has taught us. The first portion is a samba. The second a rumba. The third a cha cha. This was the cha cha that I had demonstrated for Ray a few months back.)

I must say I am very proud of my cuban motion in this one. (Cuban Motion refers to hip movement)

Formation

That in a nutshell is the showcase. I am now starting to focus on the next event. Which is hopefully The Indiana Challenge at the end of February. It is at the Radisson in Merrillville. However it is going to be a really really tight squeeze money wise. I need about $1,000.00 alone to do the competition. That does not include the cost of lessons to prep for it. So if there was any doubt about what I would like for Christmas or my birthday, all I want is to be able to do the Competition. Any and all donations towards the goal are greatly appreciated!

Exhausted

Yeah, I'm pretty much feelin' like this kid.

Waiting

I feel as though I am waiting for my life to begin. Waiting has often been a common theme in my life. I am working towards the things I want in my life and I am working hard to make it happen. I have taken on a second job to make enough money to continue to learn enough about dance so I can teach someday. I will soon be keeping crazy hours to make sure I can get the money I need, dance, and still be able to spend time with my favorite children in the world. Just FYI, please do not call me before 2PM on Saturdays as this will be my day to catch up on sleep.



So what am I waiting for?



To be "discovered" and asked to teach.

To earn enough money so that I don't have a panic attack every other week.

To perform in my showcase and competition and be able to pay for both events.

To find someone who loves me. Yes, yes, singleness freak-out. But, I spend 90% of my time with people who are older than me and already in the married stage of their lives and I find myself over eager to be "in love".

So, as I have been wasting time looking for comics to match the thoughts, it occurred to me, I am comparing myself to others. The people who I graduated with are either, still in school and thus haven't started "The Real World", or are getting married, or have started their dream career that their schooling prepared them for. I don't fit in any of those scenarios. I guess I am one of those modern kids, who is looking for something beyond ok or normal. I want a job that I absolutely love to do. I want to wake up and be excited to go to work. The job at the church is great, and I do find satisfaction in it, but it isn't the "perfect" job for me. I am not willing to settle on somebody who is less than what God has for me for a mate. I believe God has someone who he created just for me. So, here I am waiting for my life to begin. Trusting that God, who created me with the passions and talents that I have, will bring about an abundant life for me. In the mean time, I do the best I can, to serve, love, live, and be the best I can.